Chicago, IL-A man wearing newly minted luxury workout gear, a visor and athletic shades was seen absolutely giving it to an elliptical machine late last Thursday. He remained on the machine for hours as onlookers stared on in horror at the flailing mass of limbs, his legs moving so quickly at times that they slipped from the idiotic looking foot holders of the elliptical, which was set at a zero resistance setting. His agonized face searching for absolutely anyone to make eye contact with. So that he could, without bothersome words, express juts how hard he was giving it to that elliptical machine.
Sweat poured down as the man performed classic elliptical tricks like stopping and going in reverse and standing on one foot while using only his arms to propel himself, all universally understood to be completely ineffective at actually burning calories. All designed to look as frisky as humanely possible.
The neon yellow tank top, oversized Beats by Dre wireless headphones and long tights underneath running shorts all contributed to the intensity of fitness illusion, as each horribly executed revolution of the elliptical inched his knee closer to a career ending blowout. As he finally climbed off the machine that he had driven into the ground for the last two and a half hours, he looked back in satisfaction, neglecting to wipe the pool of sweat that had gathered on the monitor.
58 calories burned in two and a half hours, time well spent under the fluorescent lights of an XSPORT Fitness.
Chicago, IL-We’ve seen it all when it comes to yoga studios finding new ways for students to relax. From goat yoga to beer yoga consumers are always looking for ways to light time and money on fire in an effort to capture a boastful Instagram picture. But one yoga studio is maintaining pace with the current state of humanity and relaxing its customers in the zaniest of ways…with cans of duster!
That’s right, Duster Yoga is here and it ain’t going nowhere! For only $300 a session, customers are given a burlap sack full of shredded newspaper to lounge on, a loosie cigarette and full canister of duster! And with over 20 different brands of high-end duster available, there’s a flavor out there for even the most sophisticated duster enthusiast!
Lay back and forget your daily worries, your stresses and concerns, and the last 10 years of your life, as you burn over 20,000 brain cells in the first 10 minutes of class! Let legendary duster shaman, Alphonso Knudson, guide you in a life-changing brain-dead meditation as you seize helplessly in a nest of old newspaper before quietly submitting to unconsciousness for 18 straight hours.
Join the latest craze today and get downward dusted!
Chicago, IL-A new fitness center located in River North of Chicago is causing quite the stir amongst the several wealthy people that can afford classes there. “It’s a community and a family, with absolutely no judgement, no pretense and a love for all walks of life,” said one member dabbing his forehead with a freshly caught lobster.
The boutique studio is known only as Theory X and is described as a tibata and barre hybrid with a splash of hot yoga and a garnish of spin with a colonic finish.
Each class is a wholesome, one of a kind experience, which occurs four times a day at hundreds of identical locations across the country. Tailored specifically to instill a sense of purpose, community and undying hubris that absolutely anyone able to pay $300 a class is more than welcome to enjoy.
“All members are required to wear brand new Lululemon to every class, with tags being heavily scrutinized, so the workout ends up being about $450 per,” said another member daintily sipping a slightly chilled acai infused Figi water, positioning herself for yet another post-workout selfie, the slight glisten on her forehead serving as a beacon of hope for anyone stupid enough to simply run outside.
“You can’t put a price on fitness though! Or instagram content for that matter!” Continued the member forgetting that fitness is objectively free. The promotion to buy 10 classes then also pay for the 11th, and then be locked into a 5-year-long blood contract has almost expired, so ask yourself…are you ready to #Theory?
Chicago, IL-Like committing to a New Year’s resolution of physical and spiritual wellness but know that moderation in any aspect of your life is virtually impossible? Know that you’re going to let yourself go a mere week into the New Year? Enjoy biodegradable clothing that disintegrates into fish food one week after purchase? Lululemon has you covered!
The newest completely unreasonable line from Lululemon called “It’s a me year”, promotes an existence of all-consuming excess that benefits only you for an entire year. The high performance athletic cloths are designed to empower and instill confidence in men and women by encouraging that it’s completely ok to just give up.
The cloths are constructed to withstand three moderately paced workouts before crumbling into a flakey powder that serves as a nutrient for most aquatic life. The days of unused workout cloths plaguing your closet are over and the days of a healthier, more robust fish tank have just begun.
So live selfishly, dress out of your means, and just quit…after all…it is YOUR year!
The economy sized kettle of hazardous looking workout supplement sitting on your counter is ruining much more than just your digestive track, thyroid gland and sexual drive. Experts are now speculating that the supplement jug thought to merely cause severe constipation and retreating genitals is also directly tied to plummeting property values. Not only is the protruding red vat covered in caution tape a festering wound that visually spoils virtually any room, it also leads to unsettling assumptions about the owner’s themselves which in turn cause the property value of the location as a whole to plunge.
“The toilet is a complete throw away, not only will the pipes be shot from those anguished protein dumps, but the rest will also be caked with self-tanner and hair from botched man-scaping.” Said one real-estate cautiously creaking open the bathroom door. “You can really feel the years of sexual frustration and over compensation in these marble counter tops, those will definitely have to go as well.” Continued the agent pausing to consider the depravity.
This coupled with the lingering smell of Axe Body Spray and failed dreams make the residence nearly uninhabitable.
Escaping the suffocating clutches of a conglomerate combination gym/tanning salon is by all accounts the ultimate demonstration of the enduring human spirit. A universal testament to gym members everywhere that at some point or another you must rise above the unruly creatures that have slithered from the sewers and taken up residence on the squat rack. That you must reach deep and transcend the stifling futility of it all. Acting human should not make you an outcast.
The snarling beasts swaddled in their designer workout rags know not what they do, the pre-workout supplements and engulfing narcissism has driven them to madness. Let the corpulent franchise owner with thinning hair and athletic sunglasses lead them to their predictable demise with unlimited tanning and overpriced sessions with questionable trainers.
There were of course lapses is conviction, breaking points even. Coming to the grim realization that the multi-million dollar renovation that was promised for the better part of a decade included nothing more than a skin toned paint job and some burlap carpeting was as heartbreaking as you would imagine. The money was instead used to hire a new demon army of trainers, ready to swarm on any pile of flesh stupid enough make eye contact. After reckoning with this, I began considering the prospect of something better existing. Could I really escape the demons that had haunted me for so long?
Yes! I was baptized in a whey protein shake from a drinking fountain of youth! A beautiful fountain unscathed by loogies and self-tanner. Cleansing me of the sins of a thousand other gym members. I’ve repented and wept in that fountain. Basked in its undying glory. There is a place out there where weights are re-racked, where protein farts are kept at bay, where leering is frowned upon and where unchecked testosterone and hatred are vanquished. I have seen that place. You too can have the strength and courage to send an archaic piece of certified mail for $5 to Xsport Fitness to officially cancel your membership. You too can achieve eternal spiritual clarity.
Good at relentlessly pressuring unassuming friends and relatives into buying fictional weight loss products? Ever wanted to create your very own imaginary business, selling imaginary products to real people? What about making marginal amounts of money in a sophisticated pyramid business structure? Well what’re you doing still sitting there? Sign your soul over to us at ItWorxxx Bodzzz and create enough debt for a lifetime of hawking our chicken shit products.
Once you sign up you will be sent over $250,000 of completely non-refundable merchandise that you must sell within a month or you are sent another $250,000 of non-refundable merchandise. This will continue until you die in which case your family will inherit the entirety of your debt and the responsibility for selling body wraps. That’s right every person in your life will be enjoy this horrible burden as their own!
In the unlikely scenario in which you exceed $250,000 in sales by selling dirty bandages that allegedly trigger immediate weight loss, you will be rewarded with an ItWorxxx Bodzzz lanyard, t-shirt and commemorative mug. You’ll also achieve the completely arbitrary and illusive Quadruple Diamond ranking to add to perceived importance. We totally trust you to meet the goal though because YOU are special and YOU deserve this! Did we mention how great it feels cramming your body into a couple feet of Vaseline laden saran wrap? Like ground beef into a sausage casing! A positively pleasant wrap experience!
And what about the unlimited amounts of spamming material for any and all social media outlets? We hired acclaimed author Dan Brown, to write only the finest materials to assail loved ones with. Be prepared to drop a nuclear bomb of Caps Lock ridden nonsense that will cause everyone on your feed to question whether or not you’ve been committed to a loony bin.
So sign up with ItWorxxx Bodzzz now and watch your Facebook friends, Instagram followers and bank account all vanish!
A kettlebell that had remained dormant for years has finally been stirred. Having sat stationary for well over a decade, located in a spot that at the time seemed optimal for working out, the dust riddled kettlebell was painstakingly moved to another corner of the house. Its old location now inhabited by a standing lamp. “I think after this move I’ll definitely start working out with it every day.” said Terry Roberts who had solemnly promised the exact same thing 10 years earlier.
Like most people that own kettlebells the purchase was prompted immediately after seeing the movie 300. Momentum was lost almost instantly after a singular misguided, poor formed workout yielded neither a hulking chest nor 8-pack of washboard abs. “I don’t think I’m naïve in thinking that I should have looked like I was carved out of marble after that workout…maybe next time it will.” reminisced Terry, exultantly looking at the new placement of the kettlebell.
Since it’s widely known that moving the kettlebell from place to place every 10 years qualifies as part of the 300 workout, Terry should be completely shredded without any other alterations to his lifestyle in the next 40-50 years.
The signs at the gym that claim to offer memberships as low as $5/month are some of the most mysterious signs in existence. They almost seem ominous, well not really almost, they are extremely ominous and often shrouded in a horrible web of deceit for that matter. Given that cancelling your membership involves several pieces of certified mail, a fight to the death with the gym manager and sacrificing your first-born child, what stipulations could possibly cause membership rates to be that severely discounted?
A former gym employee who has chosen to remain anonymous confirmed that not only is the contract a literal blood oath, but it also requires an elaborate ancient ceremony ripe with chanting, plague doctor masks, candles and pre-workout supplement fueled orgies. No wonder bench felt more slippery than usual yesterday…was that a glory hole crudely carved into a 50lb dumbbell?
If a ceremony that makes the Illuminati look like the Mickey Mouse Club wasn’t enough, some of the more alarming aspects of the fine print within the perverse and bizarre contract are outlined below.
- Must live within the confines of the gym for no less than 10 years, or until 10,000 memberships are sold. Leaving the premises or contacting anyone from the outside world, especially family, is strictly forbidden
- Member is afforded a singular locker that will function as living/sleeping quarters
- Must exist exclusively on Stacker 2 and No-Xplode, veins will become ropes and complexion will become jaundice
- Working out is forbidden until ten years has passed, at which point a 5 year probationary period starts in which you are only allowed to do leg days
- Member will have perpetual athletes foot from 10 years of questionable showering conditions
- Trimming of finger and toenails strictly forbidden
- Must use tanning beds for a minimum of 4 hours a day, and religiously use Britney Spears signature tanning oil
- Must repair all clogged toilets using a 5lb dumbbell
The slightest deviation from any rule is seen as a breach of contract and will require you to live out the remainder of your miserable existence in the gym.
After what was assumed to be a restless night, a Fitbit erased any lingering doubt as it gleefully informed its owner he had slept a mere two hours the night before. “Yeah, I wasn’t sure how much I had slept, but thanks to the Fitbit, I can really quantify how bad my day is going to be.” said the downtrodden man as he hastily prepared for work. “I’m absolutely devastated, I can’t believe it was only two hours.” he continued hollowly.
Before the Fitbit we could really only guess how much we’d slept and then convince ourselves that it had been more than it actually was. Now with an actual hour amount we can officially calculate how intolerable the next day will be. A way to measure the magnitude of the impending doom that we are completely and utterly helpless to. This remains one of the most popular functions of the Fitbit; being made fully aware that you’ll be in PowerPoint heavy meetings all day running on fumes and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
“Days that the Fitbit tells me I got enough sleep but I still feel tired are almost more depressing,” said the man “It’s still a truly innovative device that everyone should own however! Knowing your sleep schedule is both insightful and healthy!”
Reporting on sleep isn’t the only feature that opens up a new and exciting world of obsessive neurosis and hyper monitoring. You’ll constantly be kept in the know about how aggressively stationary you are during the day and you’ll be crucified for not drinking enough water. So instead of actually working out, strap on that Fitbit and nickel and dime your way to an arbitrary step goal!