Rockford, IL-On Saturday, an area man appeared to mean fucking business at the gym as he smugly paraded around in, what anyone training to do a moronically themed 5K would wear, Vibrams 5 Finger shoes. The shoes, which were originally believed to be a pair of crudely fashioned gardening gloves by other gym attendees, turned out to be none other than a shoe that somehow looks equally as idiotic.
Nonetheless, the shoe instantly let everyone at the gym know that this guy planned to make his workout appear extremely difficult. Constant trips to the water fountain, lots of audible, labored breathing and uncomfortable staring at other gym members and most importantly, having his elaborate routine span across no less than 70% of the available gym equipment, making it virtually impossible for anyone else to actually workout.
“You think our ancestors had a goddamn pair of Nike’s when they trained for a Turkey Trot or Shamrock Shuffle or Allstate Hot Chocolate Run/Walk or Spartan Blast or Enron Elephant Walk?” said Terry Mitchell briefly pulling out one of the ear buds on his pair of Dog the Bounty Hunter, Oakley MP3 sunglasses.
“Think again asshole, I don’t fuck around with my for-profit fun runs,” continued Mitchell, taking off one of the shoes to reveal a disfigured hoof and noting that the shoes were helping him reach the next stage in human evolution.
As long as for-profit, Instagram bloated 5K’s exist, so will people who prefer to wear a foot condom over actual shoes.
Chicago, IL-A man of humble constitution was seen frantically weaving in and out of morning commuters as he attempted to commence his regular, shirtless morning jog on one of the busiest streets in Chicago. He definitely hadn’t been preparing his entire life for this moment. He definitely didn’t just hit L.A. Tan and certainly didn’t lightly mist his body with extra virgin olive oil for a perfect sheen.
There’s absolutely no chance he could have anticipated people accidentally gazing up at him as he pranced about while screaming the words left and right. His face contorting into an abyss of pain and anguish caused by a lifetime of eating $18 Açaí bowls and wearing only Lululemon. Decades spent perceiving himself as the messiah of leisure running.
He didn’t want any of this. He only wanted a seamless, half-naked jog on one of the most crowded streets in the city in which the pedestrians would simply stand motionless and worship his physique in silence instead of go about their normal daily routine. Inconsiderate little insects.
At least he can go to bed knowing that several people unwillingly looked at his nipples. Rest easy sweet prince, for you convinced several people you’ll never see again that you contain some moderate athletic ability.
XSPORT Fitness, Chicago, IL-On Wednesday, a guy who looked vaguely like Girard Butler’s paunchy cousin during the 2007 shooting of 300 but perceived himself as looking like Girard Butler himself, offered up some ill-informed weight lifting tips to a woman who absolutely didn’t need them.
“Yeah, I finished huffing my pre-workout sock full of rubber cement and saw this helpless chick sitting on the leg press machine, and though I was seeing double and had never used the machine myself, I figured she would appreciate me interrupting her workout to explain how a real man uses the machine, someone who’s watched the movie 300 over 20 times,” said Terry Horvath, loading the machine with several hundred pounds in weights.
The conversation itself ended rather abruptly, just as Terry was explaining and demonstrating how the key to leg pressing was hyperextending your knees and locking them up at the top of the rep, said knees both exploded into a million pieces, Achilles tore like breadsticks in a goddamn Olive Garden commercial and melted onto the floor below and Horvath wept openly, screaming THIS IS SPARTA as the ambulance wheeled him away. One of the braindead trainers picked up the mess left behind and tried to sell it to another member as a great new way to build mass.
“Though I only got one rep in before my knees collapsed…I think she got the idea, she’ll probably ask me to take her to GNC soon, I know a guy that can hook me up with 5% off with purchase of a 300 lb protein jug” continued Horvath, during another week at rehab. Doctors say that with a lot of hardwork and a little luck, he may be able to walk again.
Chicago, IL-A man wearing newly minted luxury workout gear, a visor and athletic shades was seen absolutely giving it to an elliptical machine late last Thursday. He remained on the machine for hours as onlookers stared on in horror at the flailing mass of limbs, his legs moving so quickly at times that they slipped from the idiotic looking foot holders of the elliptical, which was set at a zero resistance setting. His agonized face searching for absolutely anyone to make eye contact with. So that he could, without bothersome words, express juts how hard he was giving it to that elliptical machine.
Sweat poured down as the man performed classic elliptical tricks like stopping and going in reverse and standing on one foot while using only his arms to propel himself, all universally understood to be completely ineffective at actually burning calories. All designed to look as frisky as humanely possible.
The neon yellow tank top, oversized Beats by Dre wireless headphones and long tights underneath running shorts all contributed to the intensity of fitness illusion, as each horribly executed revolution of the elliptical inched his knee closer to a career ending blowout. As he finally climbed off the machine that he had driven into the ground for the last two and a half hours, he looked back in satisfaction, neglecting to wipe the pool of sweat that had gathered on the monitor.
58 calories burned in two and a half hours, time well spent under the fluorescent lights of an XSPORT Fitness.
Chicago, IL-We’ve seen it all when it comes to yoga studios finding new ways for students to relax. From goat yoga to beer yoga consumers are always looking for ways to light time and money on fire in an effort to capture a boastful Instagram picture. But one yoga studio is maintaining pace with the current state of humanity and relaxing its customers in the zaniest of ways…with cans of duster!
That’s right, Duster Yoga is here and it ain’t going nowhere! For only $300 a session, customers are given a burlap sack full of shredded newspaper to lounge on, a loosie cigarette and full canister of duster! And with over 20 different brands of high-end duster available, there’s a flavor out there for even the most sophisticated duster enthusiast!
Lay back and forget your daily worries, your stresses and concerns, and the last 10 years of your life, as you burn over 20,000 brain cells in the first 10 minutes of class! Let legendary duster shaman, Alphonso Knudson, guide you in a life-changing brain-dead meditation as you seize helplessly in a nest of old newspaper before quietly submitting to unconsciousness for 18 straight hours.
Join the latest craze today and get downward dusted!
Chicago, IL-A new fitness center located in River North of Chicago is causing quite the stir amongst the several wealthy people that can afford classes there. “It’s a community and a family, with absolutely no judgement, no pretense and a love for all walks of life,” said one member dabbing his forehead with a freshly caught lobster.
The boutique studio is known only as Theory X and is described as a tibata and barre hybrid with a splash of hot yoga and a garnish of spin with a colonic finish.
Each class is a wholesome, one of a kind experience, which occurs four times a day at hundreds of identical locations across the country. Tailored specifically to instill a sense of purpose, community and undying hubris that absolutely anyone able to pay $300 a class is more than welcome to enjoy.
“All members are required to wear brand new Lululemon to every class, with tags being heavily scrutinized, so the workout ends up being about $450 per,” said another member daintily sipping a slightly chilled acai infused Figi water, positioning herself for yet another post-workout selfie, the slight glisten on her forehead serving as a beacon of hope for anyone stupid enough to simply run outside.
“You can’t put a price on fitness though! Or instagram content for that matter!” Continued the member forgetting that fitness is objectively free. The promotion to buy 10 classes then also pay for the 11th, and then be locked into a 5-year-long blood contract has almost expired, so ask yourself…are you ready to #Theory?
Chicago, IL-Like committing to a New Year’s resolution of physical and spiritual wellness but know that moderation in any aspect of your life is virtually impossible? Know that you’re going to let yourself go a mere week into the New Year? Enjoy biodegradable clothing that disintegrates into fish food one week after purchase? Lululemon has you covered!
The newest completely unreasonable line from Lululemon called “It’s a me year”, promotes an existence of all-consuming excess that benefits only you for an entire year. The high performance athletic cloths are designed to empower and instill confidence in men and women by encouraging that it’s completely ok to just give up.
The cloths are constructed to withstand three moderately paced workouts before crumbling into a flakey powder that serves as a nutrient for most aquatic life. The days of unused workout cloths plaguing your closet are over and the days of a healthier, more robust fish tank have just begun.
So live selfishly, dress out of your means, and just quit…after all…it is YOUR year!
The economy sized kettle of hazardous looking workout supplement sitting on your counter is ruining much more than just your digestive track, thyroid gland and sexual drive. Experts are now speculating that the supplement jug thought to merely cause severe constipation and retreating genitals is also directly tied to plummeting property values. Not only is the protruding red vat covered in caution tape a festering wound that visually spoils virtually any room, it also leads to unsettling assumptions about the owner’s themselves which in turn cause the property value of the location as a whole to plunge.
“The toilet is a complete throw away, not only will the pipes be shot from those anguished protein dumps, but the rest will also be caked with self-tanner and hair from botched man-scaping.” Said one real-estate cautiously creaking open the bathroom door. “You can really feel the years of sexual frustration and over compensation in these marble counter tops, those will definitely have to go as well.” Continued the agent pausing to consider the depravity.
This coupled with the lingering smell of Axe Body Spray and failed dreams make the residence nearly uninhabitable.
Escaping the suffocating clutches of a conglomerate combination gym/tanning salon is by all accounts the ultimate demonstration of the enduring human spirit. A universal testament to gym members everywhere that at some point or another you must rise above the unruly creatures that have slithered from the sewers and taken up residence on the squat rack. That you must reach deep and transcend the stifling futility of it all. Acting human should not make you an outcast.
The snarling beasts swaddled in their designer workout rags know not what they do, the pre-workout supplements and engulfing narcissism has driven them to madness. Let the corpulent franchise owner with thinning hair and athletic sunglasses lead them to their predictable demise with unlimited tanning and overpriced sessions with questionable trainers.
There were of course lapses is conviction, breaking points even. Coming to the grim realization that the multi-million dollar renovation that was promised for the better part of a decade included nothing more than a skin toned paint job and some burlap carpeting was as heartbreaking as you would imagine. The money was instead used to hire a new demon army of trainers, ready to swarm on any pile of flesh stupid enough make eye contact. After reckoning with this, I began considering the prospect of something better existing. Could I really escape the demons that had haunted me for so long?
Yes! I was baptized in a whey protein shake from a drinking fountain of youth! A beautiful fountain unscathed by loogies and self-tanner. Cleansing me of the sins of a thousand other gym members. I’ve repented and wept in that fountain. Basked in its undying glory. There is a place out there where weights are re-racked, where protein farts are kept at bay, where leering is frowned upon and where unchecked testosterone and hatred are vanquished. I have seen that place. You too can have the strength and courage to send an archaic piece of certified mail for $5 to Xsport Fitness to officially cancel your membership. You too can achieve eternal spiritual clarity.
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