I sold the last shred of humanity I had to a Plato’s Closet in Northern Indiana along with a pair of low-rise Aeropostale jeans that I had only shit in ONCE, so needless to say, I haven’t been wearing a mask. I’ve been mainly eating brunch pizzas and partying.

So when I went to buy a new panama hat and a crocheted bikini from H&M for Walmart Coachella, you could imagine my surprise when the asshole manager had the nerve to confront me for not wearing a mask. It was like he didn’t even know that a hologram of Daughtry’s racist cousin was going to be playing Bon Jovi covers. ANYWAYS.

I go back outside and this homeless guy is out there begging for money. I tell him I’ll give him this 5% off coupon for Sephora if he gives me the bloody mask he’s holding. With some pouty lips and smoky eyelashes, he eventually reluctantly hands it over…let’s be honest who wouldn’t?

I put the mask on and am all the sudden the happiest I’ve been in my life. Light headed and carefree, the way we were all meant to go through life! At points I felt like I was losing consciousness and had to grip handrails and other customers to prop myself up. It was truly glorious, the perfect shopping experience.  

After I bought a handful of edible lipstick, I went back outside snacking on my new purchase and asked the homeless guy why this mask was making me feel so good and he pointed to a can of spray paint next to him. Vegan.Paleo.Non-GMO.Gluten-Free.0 calories. OMG too good to be true!

So anyways, I wear a mask ALL the time now. Even to sleep. For those of you not wearing masks, try spraying a little spray paint or computer duster in and huff away…you WONT regret it. OMG #LifeHacks #Adulting