Subway has pushed the boundaries of edible food for the better part of a decade and their new protein bowl continues in that long lost tradition. We all assumed that several slices of reflective deli meat flaccidly layered inside of a bread adjacent womb, drowned in chipotle-ranch mop bucket water and resurrected by a suspiciously fast microwave was the pinnacle of lunchtime sadness…and we were wrong.
Subway’s new Protein Bowl comes with all of the malnutrition of traditional Subway products without the hassle of actually having to taste the regrettable purchase, as it is the first protein bowl ever designed to be consumed as a suppository.
“Other companies have tried to make their food more pleasant, we’re not interested in that. We’re interested in pushing the boundaries of human suffering, if you’re eating at Subway, you’re already sad, we’ve created a bowl and method for consumption to reflect that sadness,” said Subway spokesperson Eli Wax.
Customers are encouraged to either enter restaurants with their pants off, or disrobe after their order, no utensils are provided, and there are several crudely fashioned drains around the restaurant with poorly drawn directions of how to inhale the meal via suppository.
There is also a Plant Fitness style “lunk alarm” for anyone attempting to eat the meal orally and employees are trained to taser and drag out anyone non-compliant with the suggested consumption method.
“No one wants to taste food anymore, they want an experience, they want something they can tell friends and family about, and we’ve created that with our new Protein Bowl,” continued Wax watching a pathetic customer clenching his ass tightly around the bowl in an effort to consume the last bit of knuckle steak.