Los Angeles, CA-A sea of protesters enveloping the entirety of Los Angeles has officially turned violent according to sources. What was originally thought to be a protest involving either the corrupt nature of our current government administration, extensive gender inequality, institutional racism, or the systematic destruction of our plant, actually turned out to be a demonstration advocating the return of Brenden Frazer to the Mummy franchise.
In what is being called the largest protest ever recorded, nearly a third of the entire country migrated to Los Angeles to advocate the fair treatment of Brendan Fraser. According to protesters, the previously listed issues are trivial at best and generally have no impact on the human race as a whole. Whereas tainting a staple in American history like The Mummy franchise could have lasting emotional and physical effects on the country.
“Just put him back in the damn movie,” said one protester wearing a prosthetic that made his lower half appear like a scorpion. “The other stuff don’t matter, you think we have time to deal with that shit while the glorious name of The Mummy gets tarnished! I voted for Trump to prevent this shit!” he continued adjusting his Bluetooth headset.
As the protests wage on, solace can be found in America’s ability to create a united front against oppressive and imperative issues threatening to derail humanity.
Washington, D.C.-Appearing youthful and vital isn’t easy. Ask Vice President Elect Mike Pence, who looks about as good as anyone could for being 570 years old. That’s right, originally thought to be 57, Pence clarified in a recent interview that he was in fact over half a millennium old.
His secret? Easing himself into a boiling hot Jacuzzi full on anaconda blood at the end of every day. Pence maintains that a mere ten hours in the blood tub combined with three metric tons of Touch of Gray for Men, a thousand feet of ace bandage smothered in Bengay and one soul, he can go from a shriveled embryo to a loose interpretation of human.
The ritual, much like his social constitution, was developed almost 5000 years ago in a quaint vampire village, off the coast of Scandinavia, that the vice president was born and raised in. Eternal life via snake blood baths and CVS convenience products wasn’t the only wisdom imparted in that small village.
The impressionable Pence learned everything he knows now from a group of bigoted vampire, including the right to marry farm animals and a game called “Creepy Crawly” in which you see who can shove the most spiders down their pants in three minutes.
Years later when Trump discovered Pence in a basket outside of his hotel, in a cocoon of scorched human flesh, molting like a snake, he know he had a vice president candidate worth a damn.
Hammond, Indiana-Very little was learned at the first presidential debate where two anemic candidates traded feeble body blows that were vaguely inconsequential to the country as a whole. Though the debate failed to reach the viewership of the Two and a Half Men reruns that routinely run on Monday nights, it did have a singular moment of salvation in the waning moments of narcissism and boredom. The brain like creature that is controlling the poorly made exo-suit that resembles an elderly bigot, announced that if elected, it will systematically eliminate any and all remaining Ninja Turtles and their rat mentor Master Splinter.
Though understood by the country as a whole, that a repulsive alien known as General Krang is controlling the unfeeling, humanoid, Republican candidate, it still came as a shock to many that an age old vendetta with four carefree turtles and an elderly rat still burned so deep.
“Look, I’m fine with the wall, the women hating, the fear driven patriotism, the soul crushing ignorance, and the prospect that we may all be dead a year after election…I’m even fine with using tax dollars to fund the search and slaughter of four crime fighting turtles…but not Master Splinter….not him,” said a tearful Billy Cody, before putting an “I’m with her” bumper sticker on his ATV and riding off into sunset.
Other Trump supporters applauded the prospect of dead turtles, maintaining that it would send a message to other countries that the United States meant business. That the bloody heads of four turtles would be the true definition of making America great again.