Washington, D.C.-Appearing youthful and vital isn’t easy. Ask Vice President Elect Mike Pence, who looks about as good as anyone could for being 570 years old. That’s right, originally thought to be 57, Pence clarified in a recent interview that he was in fact over half a millennium old.
His secret? Easing himself into a boiling hot Jacuzzi full on anaconda blood at the end of every day. Pence maintains that a mere ten hours in the blood tub combined with three metric tons of Touch of Gray for Men, a thousand feet of ace bandage smothered in Bengay and one soul, he can go from a shriveled embryo to a loose interpretation of human.
The ritual, much like his social constitution, was developed almost 5000 years ago in a quaint vampire village, off the coast of Scandinavia, that the vice president was born and raised in. Eternal life via snake blood baths and CVS convenience products wasn’t the only wisdom imparted in that small village.
The impressionable Pence learned everything he knows now from a group of bigoted vampire, including the right to marry farm animals and a game called “Creepy Crawly” in which you see who can shove the most spiders down their pants in three minutes.
Years later when Trump discovered Pence in a basket outside of his hotel, in a cocoon of scorched human flesh, molting like a snake, he know he had a vice president candidate worth a damn.