Hammond, Indiana-Very little was learned at the first presidential debate where two anemic candidates traded feeble body blows that were vaguely inconsequential to the country as a whole. Though the debate failed to reach the viewership of the Two and a Half Men reruns that routinely run on Monday nights, it did have a singular moment of salvation in the waning moments of narcissism and boredom. The brain like creature that is controlling the poorly made exo-suit that resembles an elderly bigot, announced that if elected, it will systematically eliminate any and all remaining Ninja Turtles and their rat mentor Master Splinter.
Though understood by the country as a whole, that a repulsive alien known as General Krang is controlling the unfeeling, humanoid, Republican candidate, it still came as a shock to many that an age old vendetta with four carefree turtles and an elderly rat still burned so deep.
“Look, I’m fine with the wall, the women hating, the fear driven patriotism, the soul crushing ignorance, and the prospect that we may all be dead a year after election…I’m even fine with using tax dollars to fund the search and slaughter of four crime fighting turtles…but not Master Splinter….not him,” said a tearful Billy Cody, before putting an “I’m with her” bumper sticker on his ATV and riding off into sunset.
Other Trump supporters applauded the prospect of dead turtles, maintaining that it would send a message to other countries that the United States meant business. That the bloody heads of four turtles would be the true definition of making America great again.