Chicago, IL-The intricate history of humanity’s evolution in cultureless office environments just became even more nuanced. With desirable physical manifestations like stained teeth, poor posture, aggressive beigeness, smooth lifeless hands and deteriorating vision already mainstays in the transformation to crippled desk troll, this new evolutionary attribute is a game changer that could complete the transition to docile office lackey.
In a double blind placebo study conducted across indistinguishable digital entities in Chicago, it was found that most employees could completely evacuate themselves in less than 25 seconds. Comparatively time on spent on the crapper at home breached 10 minutes with regularity.
The difference of 9 minutes and 35 seconds is attributed to the paranoia that the other indifferent employees in the office would become aware of the prolonged absence and thus privy to the ruthless war being waged atop a nest of cheap toilet paper in stall three of an office bathroom. Assuming that all coworkers are constantly seeking an opportunity to envision someone they work with struggling on the can.
The fear of judgement for a bodily function, from a group of people that are forced to tolerate each other on a daily basis, has caused productivity to skyrocket across the city as the era of a leisurely pooping while doing 200 pages of Moby Dick is facing certain extinction.
A self-proclaimed social media visionary has inspired three people since posting a picture of someone else’s inspirational quote yesterday. The oddly vague quote was accompanied by a carefree font and setting sun, which automatically qualifies anything as something with the potential to inspire.
It garnered three likes, and one comment. Two of the likes were from her parents and one from an account created for someone’s pet dog. The comment was from her mom and read “You said it sister!”
“I post a quote when it’s a ME day…which is pretty much every day!” said Ashley Murray-Parker, who routinely posts other people’s photoshopped pictures of other people’s quotes.
“I never know what the quote will be, and I generally don’t even know where the quote came from, I just google image search “Inspirational Quotes” and voila I’m ready to inspire the world!” continued Murray-Parker. She steadfastly maintains that her reposting the picture of the quote is far more important than having actually written or created something.
“Absolutely no one can find pictures quotes like I do, you have to be able to Google image search, and be able to save down pictures to your desktop before posting…it can be a lot of work, but it’s all worth it considering I’m changing people’s lives!” said Murray-Parker, the words broken up with severe giggling fits.
The most likes she has ever gotten has been 5, but she knows that no nothing comes easy when it comes to posting pictures of quotes. She hopes to post one that inspires 8 people before year’s end.