Chicago, IL-The intricate history of humanity’s evolution in cultureless office environments just became even more nuanced. With desirable physical manifestations like stained teeth, poor posture, aggressive beigeness, smooth lifeless hands and deteriorating vision already mainstays in the transformation to crippled desk troll, this new evolutionary attribute is a game changer that could complete the transition to docile office lackey.
In a double blind placebo study conducted across indistinguishable digital entities in Chicago, it was found that most employees could completely evacuate themselves in less than 25 seconds. Comparatively time on spent on the crapper at home breached 10 minutes with regularity.
The difference of 9 minutes and 35 seconds is attributed to the paranoia that the other indifferent employees in the office would become aware of the prolonged absence and thus privy to the ruthless war being waged atop a nest of cheap toilet paper in stall three of an office bathroom. Assuming that all coworkers are constantly seeking an opportunity to envision someone they work with struggling on the can.
The fear of judgement for a bodily function, from a group of people that are forced to tolerate each other on a daily basis, has caused productivity to skyrocket across the city as the era of a leisurely pooping while doing 200 pages of Moby Dick is facing certain extinction.