Friendship based solely on making plans to hang out

Chicago, IL-The existence of a genuine friendship is most commonly rooted in years of significant life experiences, hilarity, hijinks and the unique happiness experienced in the presence of that friend. But one friendship has defied all odds and exists solely on the threat of at some point hanging out and complaining to each other via text about the infrequency of time spent together.

“We’re planned this SUPER fun girl’s night! We’re going to do a fancy dinner and then dancing all night and Instagraming the whole thing with its own unique hashtag!” said Nicole Cox already considering excuses for why they’d have to reschedule.

“I suggested the third week of June but she has improv that whole week, so she said she was free the second week of August, but I’m in Wisconsin Dells for a Dan Brown writing workshop that week, ultimately we landed on the third or fourth week of February 2025 #cantwait!” continued Cox shopping for the perfect little black dress that will never be worn.

The next 8 years will be spent meticulously crafting texts of excitement for the impending hang out and remorse that they both feel like they haven’t seen each other in forever. This will continue perpetually, reaching climax immediately before their scheduled rendezvous, in which one of them will inevitably cancel…much to the relief of the other. And the cycle will begin once again.

 

Grudge Match may be the saddest movie to ever exist

The mere prospect of a movie like Grudge Match existing causes me immense sadness. Perhaps even sadder is considering what sort of warped, depraved and lonely degenerate would spend $10 to see this on Christmas day. Sitting in a caved in theater chair, watching two decaying actor’s careers slowly circle the drain in a urinal at Dave and Busters. Nothing says Christmas like two paunchy, jaundiced and inaudible old men exchanging futile punches and dim jokes. Whenever I watch elderly people squabbling, I always think that 1.) I should film it and 2.) That I should charge people money that film and 3.) Kevin Hart is definitely marginally funnier than Dane Cook, and he’s hosted the MTV movie awards so he should also be somehow be featured.

It would be interesting to see how well Sly’s sagging flesh is adhering to his incredibly unnatural HGH fueled old man muscles, or to see how bumpy Deniro’s bulging stomach appears, but frankly not worth the price of admission. The movie is uncanny, because the plot seems to be loosely unfolding in real time, in each actor’s respective floundering careers. I’ll be spending my money on Madea’s Christmas this holiday season.