The Rock’s new movie is called Diesel Fist

Hollywood, CA-Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has one of the most diverse film portfolios of any actor in history. From being fully oiled up and trying to murder a giant ape in the upcoming film Rampage to having his heaving muscles lubed up and playing a half scorpion demigod in the movie The Scorpion King, The Rock has truly delved into the most twisted depths of method acting.

It’s actually been rumored that he turned down the lead in There Will Be Blood, claiming the role lacked depth, complexity and shirtless scenes, noting that being shirtless, wielding a mini-gun and being covered in oil would have looked objectively badass. And as all greats do, The Rock is pivoting yet again, his new endeavor is called Diesel Fist and is set to launch the day after Rampage and Skyscraper.

The plot to Diesel Fist is simple, a massive, prehistoric flaming asteroid is careening towards earth, spelling an almost certain demise for humankind. But as global leaders meet, they realize something else is taking place on the asteroid, two fully nude men, smothered in arm butter, wage a battle of life or death of their own.

The Rock starring as, retired NYC police officer, Snake Dasher and Vin Diesel starring as, Columbian drug lord, Titus Rains are settling an age old vendetta that is never quite accurately explained throughout the silent film’s duration. But what the fuck does that matter? DIESEL FIST.

The entire world watches as the two nude men wage war with a variety of weapons that are inexplicably and conveniently located on the asteroid. As blood spills and uncomfortable grunting reaches a frenzy, the world realizes that the outcome of the battle has no bearing on the fact that they are all going to die. But as they say, die doing what you love, which for humanity is watching two oiled up dudes exchanging haymakers on a flaming asteroid.

The movie’s tagline is predictably “Get Diesel Fisted,” so buy a ticket today.

Fans livid about Bridesmaids remake where Larry the Cable Guy plays every character

Hollywood, CA-Outrage is a default emotion at this point for humanity, a resting state of fury and frustration ready to pulverize anything with even the slightest scent of creative expression. Most notably were the recent protests surrounding the movie Paddington 2, in which a friendly talking bear became a messiah for communism and a champion for Joseph Stalin by wearing a red hat.

With outrage perpetually spewing forth like last night’s Taco Bell, it can difficult to distinguish a salvageable nacho chip from the generalized pile of guts and filth. For the record, accusing a fictitious, rain boot wearing bear of being a bastard communist is legitimate outrage.

However an even more contemptuous movie is now under the same fire from an array of different activist groups.  Universal Studios announced that it will be remaking the movie Bridesmaids even though it is only 7 years old. The catch? Larry the Cable Guy has been cast as every character. Men and Women’s rights groups have formed an unlikely united protest.

“Unfortunately Larry the Cable Guy should only be cast as 1/3 of the characters in any given movie, it’s an important bylaw written in our very logical, not at all overcompensating or unfounded Men’s Rights Bible,” said prominent men’s rights activist Terry Mitchell, as he crawled serpentine up the basement stairs for his mom to spoon feed him Pizza Rolls.

Women’s rights activists agreed on that oddly specific stipulation while also noting that really nothing in this world deserves to suffer the burden of Larry the Cable Guy, especially an objectively hilarious movie.

So come see the remake of Bridesmaids this summer where Larry the Cable Guy will Git Er Done in full bridal attire! Hilarious!

Cast for Manchester by the Sea II to include Dane Cook, Ali Larter, Gerard Butler, Kevin James, Steven Seagal, a Tim Allen hologram and Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow, directed by Tyler Perry

Hollywood, CA-After the unforeseen success experienced by the heartbreaking epic, Manchester by the Sea, Hollywood executives have decided to create a sequel of the film with the intent of making it a more digestible experience to the lowest common denominator of humankind, which happens to be the majority of film goers in the United States.

The sequel is being called Manchester by the Sea II: Fully Loaded, and features a powerhouse cast covering virtually every meaningful film genre over the last 20 years. From movies involving four grown adults pissing in a kid’s pool to films about Gerard Butler’s oiled up abs, MBTS: Fully Loaded is jammed up and ready to blow harder than a crudely fashioned glory hole at Buffalo Wild Wings.

Part of the film is shot in black and white and entirely silent, as Dane Cook and Kevin James work as ailing chimney sweeps in 1940’s Russia. But after they discover a treasure map sent from Ben Franklin, played by a shirtless, greased up Girard Butler, their entire world changes as they are sent on mission to find the resurrected corpse of a prominent Free Mason, alien high priestess capable of eluding death. (Ali Larter)

Watch as this fast paced, action packed examination of the human spirit, piledrives a thousand emotions into your brain at once and finishes with a CGI battle for galactic supremacy between a Tim Allen hologram and Jack Sparrow from the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.

Critics are calling Manchester by the Sea II: Fully Loaded “A rare glimpse into Steven Seagal’s butthole,” and “Fully loaded, more like fully bloated, in terms of the out of shape, has-been cast,”

So see Manchester by the Sea II: Fully Loaded today!

Die-hard Star Wars fans finally get the Darth Maul shower scene they’ve wanted

Devote Star Wars fans have found something inherently wrong with every film release to date. Inconsistencies in timelines, character relationships, technical specs surrounding building a weapon capable to destroying entire planets, and perhaps most notably the controversy surrounding Darth Maul’s genitalia.

A topic more controversial than “Who shot first?” conspiracy theories and more fervently debated than the mysterious origin story of Boss Nass, finally gets the attention it deserves in the latest addition to the Star Wars franchise The Last Jedi.

Though there is plenty to love about the new movie, the highly anticipated Darth Maul shower scene is ultimately the only thing bolstering the critical praise of the movie.

During an emotional discussion involving the origin of the force itself and its evolution and demise over the years, BB-8 projects an unprompted video of Darth Maul showering off after hitting the elliptical machine at the XSPORT Fitness on Tattooine. The video is excruciating in both length and content, as Luke is forced to look on in horror at the steamy video clearly meant for the SnapChat DMs of a Zeltron on Hoth.

The scene is rather abrupt and completely irrelevant to the overall plot of the movie, and some fans have complained that the presence of Darth Maul’s hog really detracted from an otherwise positive experience. But critics agree that the beautifully animated CGI was necessary on every level and makes the movie more avant garde than previous offerings.

One fan commenting “If you’ve ever wondered if the carpet matches the drapes….well spoiler alert…it does!!!!!!”

Tammy

Movie: Tammy
Rating: 0/10

Nothing like the goons in Hollywood pinching off another reheated type casted dog loaf.  Doesn’t appear to be a clean break either. It’s a day ruiner type of dog turd. One that as you slide seamlessly across the grass, you know both your shoe and that patch of grass will never be the same. No tweezers or damp Q-Tip will savage the shite maze residing in the intricate soul of your shoe.  As this thoughtless diaper bursting with tired jokes, played out characters, hay, the breath from an ostrich at Potawatomi Zoo, three day Long John Silver’s Cod Pieces and a glass of water from a standing runoff in Gary Indiana slowly circles in the microwave you’re left wondering why the hell this abhorrent concoction was ever created. It’s an indigestible reanimated mess, the look of it, only to be matched by the horrible eye stinging stench. Appears to be one of those movies where you end up throwing away the Snow Caps you splurged on, being unable to finish them after watching McCarthy inhale and promptly fart out an entire McDonalds cherry pie. Blowing her ring piece into the Stone Age.

It can’t get any funnier than seeing a bloated, sweaty McCarthy rolling her belly button lint, pondering the existence of Mark Twain and getting hit in the face with a 2×4 or having a cinder block dropped on her head. The Jet Ski scene looks like a true classic too. I guarantee it involves her crop dusting a batch of seagulls who look up, confused, before succumbing to the horrible stench and fainting. Tammy will become immensely sad, falls in love, and her undying quirkiness will ultimately be accepted…I would imagine that’s the entirety of the script, which was plundered from Lenny Kravitz’s septic tank.

Can we please get a new character here? Anything at all would work. Something that doesn’t involve a completely depleted character that’s been sucked dry of anything original. I won’t be seeing this movie because I just predicted exactly what would happen above, woops guess I should have prefaced it by saying Spoiler Alert. I would rather wear around a pair of neon orange Skechers Shape Ups then be caught watching this.

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Drinking Buddies

Drinking Buddies
Rating: 5%
Rotten Tomatoes: 85%

Drinking Buddies makes a truly inspired attempt at dethroning Couples Retreat as the worst movie ever created in Chicago. There’s a gorgeous spread of insufferable moments, dialogue and characters that grate, plod and flounder through what seemed to be an eternity in a mundane existence in Chicago.

Several hipster alcoholics exchange what they believe to be quirky one liners and hopelessly flirt with one another. The movie had summer blockbuster written all over it, they should have hired Michael Bay to direct this thing. They really should have. Somehow billed as a comedy I laughed more times watching JAG reruns. Each character is more loathsome than the next, all vying for most annoying Chicago stereotype. The raspy voiced bro-ey party girl that’s just one of the guys. The moody, self gratifying bearded hipster with a Chicago flag tattoo and Old Style trucker hat. Their all there and all severely annoying. It’s a real treat to watch people I actively avoid. Give me a Jimmy Eat World cover band and a bucket of Reds Apple Ale at the lowly Cubby Bear over taking a Malort shot with these dicks. I hate watching actors act drunk it’s as though none of them have ever taken a bottle of Parrot Bay directly to the dome. Someone needs to master the thousand mile vacant stare STAT. I also don’t buy for a minute Olivia Wilde or the guy from office space were drinking Revolution beers, those were almost certainly Miller 64’s.

The portrayal of the hangover itself is vexing. It’s not a hard message to get across. It involves laying on a couch and pinching off eye stingers until you can muster up enough strength to get Chipotle, which generally compounds the war being waged in your stomach and skull. In Drinking Buddies the hangovers are at worst a chipper tickle fight, and they pass in an instant. Not the grueling war of attrition that happens in real life.

One salvageable moment was the accuracy of frustration experienced while moving to a new apartment in Chicago. It was captured perfectly and I found it agreeable watching a meandering doofus take a nail to the hand. I also enjoy drinking Revolution beer which happens to be in the movie. Other than that it’s an unsalvageable pile. Pauly Shore showed a greater character arch in Jury Duty than any of the ones found here. It could not be more uninteresting.