Die-hard Star Wars fans finally get the Darth Maul shower scene they’ve wanted

Devote Star Wars fans have found something inherently wrong with every film release to date. Inconsistencies in timelines, character relationships, technical specs surrounding building a weapon capable to destroying entire planets, and perhaps most notably the controversy surrounding Darth Maul’s genitalia.

A topic more controversial than “Who shot first?” conspiracy theories and more fervently debated than the mysterious origin story of Boss Nass, finally gets the attention it deserves in the latest addition to the Star Wars franchise The Last Jedi.

Though there is plenty to love about the new movie, the highly anticipated Darth Maul shower scene is ultimately the only thing bolstering the critical praise of the movie.

During an emotional discussion involving the origin of the force itself and its evolution and demise over the years, BB-8 projects an unprompted video of Darth Maul showering off after hitting the elliptical machine at the XSPORT Fitness on Tattooine. The video is excruciating in both length and content, as Luke is forced to look on in horror at the steamy video clearly meant for the SnapChat DMs of a Zeltron on Hoth.

The scene is rather abrupt and completely irrelevant to the overall plot of the movie, and some fans have complained that the presence of Darth Maul’s hog really detracted from an otherwise positive experience. But critics agree that the beautifully animated CGI was necessary on every level and makes the movie more avant garde than previous offerings.

One fan commenting “If you’ve ever wondered if the carpet matches the drapes….well spoiler alert…it does!!!!!!”

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Tammy

Movie: Tammy
Rating: 0/10

Nothing like the goons in Hollywood pinching off another reheated type casted dog loaf.  Doesn’t appear to be a clean break either. It’s a day ruiner type of dog turd. One that as you slide seamlessly across the grass, you know both your shoe and that patch of grass will never be the same. No tweezers or damp Q-Tip will savage the shite maze residing in the intricate soul of your shoe.  As this thoughtless diaper bursting with tired jokes, played out characters, hay, the breath from an ostrich at Potawatomi Zoo, three day Long John Silver’s Cod Pieces and a glass of water from a standing runoff in Gary Indiana slowly circles in the microwave you’re left wondering why the hell this abhorrent concoction was ever created. It’s an indigestible reanimated mess, the look of it, only to be matched by the horrible eye stinging stench. Appears to be one of those movies where you end up throwing away the Snow Caps you splurged on, being unable to finish them after watching McCarthy inhale and promptly fart out an entire McDonalds cherry pie. Blowing her ring piece into the Stone Age.

It can’t get any funnier than seeing a bloated, sweaty McCarthy rolling her belly button lint, pondering the existence of Mark Twain and getting hit in the face with a 2×4 or having a cinder block dropped on her head. The Jet Ski scene looks like a true classic too. I guarantee it involves her crop dusting a batch of seagulls who look up, confused, before succumbing to the horrible stench and fainting. Tammy will become immensely sad, falls in love, and her undying quirkiness will ultimately be accepted…I would imagine that’s the entirety of the script, which was plundered from Lenny Kravitz’s septic tank.

Can we please get a new character here? Anything at all would work. Something that doesn’t involve a completely depleted character that’s been sucked dry of anything original. I won’t be seeing this movie because I just predicted exactly what would happen above, woops guess I should have prefaced it by saying Spoiler Alert. I would rather wear around a pair of neon orange Skechers Shape Ups then be caught watching this.

6-25-2014 4-14-18 PM

Drinking Buddies

Drinking Buddies
Rating: 5%
Rotten Tomatoes: 85%

Drinking Buddies makes a truly inspired attempt at dethroning Couples Retreat as the worst movie ever created in Chicago. There’s a gorgeous spread of insufferable moments, dialogue and characters that grate, plod and flounder through what seemed to be an eternity in a mundane existence in Chicago.

Several hipster alcoholics exchange what they believe to be quirky one liners and hopelessly flirt with one another. The movie had summer blockbuster written all over it, they should have hired Michael Bay to direct this thing. They really should have. Somehow billed as a comedy I laughed more times watching JAG reruns. Each character is more loathsome than the next, all vying for most annoying Chicago stereotype. The raspy voiced bro-ey party girl that’s just one of the guys. The moody, self gratifying bearded hipster with a Chicago flag tattoo and Old Style trucker hat. Their all there and all severely annoying. It’s a real treat to watch people I actively avoid. Give me a Jimmy Eat World cover band and a bucket of Reds Apple Ale at the lowly Cubby Bear over taking a Malort shot with these dicks. I hate watching actors act drunk it’s as though none of them have ever taken a bottle of Parrot Bay directly to the dome. Someone needs to master the thousand mile vacant stare STAT. I also don’t buy for a minute Olivia Wilde or the guy from office space were drinking Revolution beers, those were almost certainly Miller 64’s.

The portrayal of the hangover itself is vexing. It’s not a hard message to get across. It involves laying on a couch and pinching off eye stingers until you can muster up enough strength to get Chipotle, which generally compounds the war being waged in your stomach and skull. In Drinking Buddies the hangovers are at worst a chipper tickle fight, and they pass in an instant. Not the grueling war of attrition that happens in real life.

One salvageable moment was the accuracy of frustration experienced while moving to a new apartment in Chicago. It was captured perfectly and I found it agreeable watching a meandering doofus take a nail to the hand. I also enjoy drinking Revolution beer which happens to be in the movie. Other than that it’s an unsalvageable pile. Pauly Shore showed a greater character arch in Jury Duty than any of the ones found here. It could not be more uninteresting.