Cambridge, Massachusetts-Over the last few months several fantastical stories have surfaced about Ivy League schools accepting students who wrote admission essays on Papa John’s, Taco Bell and one that even came in the form of a rap song. In the latest clickbait attempt to justify how quirky millennials can be while also filling social feeds with content comparable to flavorless, reheated, 60/40 ground chuck, we examine Grayson Horton-Miller who got into Harvard with a 700,000 word ode to the popular streaming site, PornHub.
“We get thousands of essays every year, but young Grayson’s essay was something to be cherished…a true work of art! A composer in a symphony of bleached assholes!” said Dean of Admission, Phillip Biggins. “The 20,000 word section on POV was superb! Not to mention the 50,000 lines of poetry on gonzo! His theories involving the origin of human evolution being sparked by cuckholding are quite profound! A millenial visionary by every definition of the word!” continued Biggins, head spinning at the porn category algorithms Grayson could someday develop.
Though the essay contains no punctuation and though it appears Grayson has only a loose grasp on how to read and write, the sheer fervor in which the essay was written has gained him admission to Harvard with a full academic scholarship. Millenials do the darndest things!
And though Grayson appears to be struggling with a crippling pornography addiction that is consuming his every thought and rendering him incapable of experiencing actual human emotion, his parents couldn’t be any prouder of their snowflake.
A self-proclaimed social media visionary has inspired three people since posting a picture of someone else’s inspirational quote yesterday. The oddly vague quote was accompanied by a carefree font and setting sun, which automatically qualifies anything as something with the potential to inspire.
It garnered three likes, and one comment. Two of the likes were from her parents and one from an account created for someone’s pet dog. The comment was from her mom and read “You said it sister!”
“I post a quote when it’s a ME day…which is pretty much every day!” said Ashley Murray-Parker, who routinely posts other people’s photoshopped pictures of other people’s quotes.
“I never know what the quote will be, and I generally don’t even know where the quote came from, I just google image search “Inspirational Quotes” and voila I’m ready to inspire the world!” continued Murray-Parker. She steadfastly maintains that her reposting the picture of the quote is far more important than having actually written or created something.
“Absolutely no one can find pictures quotes like I do, you have to be able to Google image search, and be able to save down pictures to your desktop before posting…it can be a lot of work, but it’s all worth it considering I’m changing people’s lives!” said Murray-Parker, the words broken up with severe giggling fits.
The most likes she has ever gotten has been 5, but she knows that no nothing comes easy when it comes to posting pictures of quotes. She hopes to post one that inspires 8 people before year’s end.
Creating invaluable memories with irreplaceable friends that will be cherished for a lifetime don’t move the needle for a couple in their 20’s that is excited to stay in and watch Netflix. Nothing is as exhilarating as being anti-social on your couch with a glass of earthy red in an oversized wine glass and an entire season of House of Cards to get through. That is the true definition of drinking in all life has to offer. Thrill seeking within streaming services is a trend sweeping the nation. “Yeah, someone had backstage passes to the Arcade Fire show tonight, but we’ve really been looking forward to doing nothing, so we respectively declined,” Said Danny Thomas, a fervent supporter of the cozy sloth movement.
Laziness has become a trophy as of late, people honing in on the boredom and using it as a bragging right. Most pictures on Instagram are shot first person at a pair of heavily padded socks sitting atop a stack of pillows or coffee table. To make sure other people know that they are fully committed to sitting on their ass all night, some users have thrown in a glass of red wine, hot chocolate or a fluffy animal. “I’ve taken some where I’m covered in 8-10 quilts, with my bleary eyes barely peeking out…I think I got 12 likes on it, which is pretty good,” another unidentifiable twenty-something fondly recalled.
Sitting on the couch isn’t all thrills however, as there are arduous tasks involved like deciding on what GrubHub to order and subsequently Instagram and what hashtags to use when tagging the unrelentingly cozy pictures. #justchillin #menight #meandmywine #nevermoving #bedsores
As slothism slowly sweeps the nation, we can all expect to know what everyone’s pajamas look like, if they are a cat person and whether they drink red or white wine.