Chicago, IL-On Monday, a generally incompetent coworker who had blown several deadlines prior and grossly mismanaged an entire project, smoothed things over by asking the candidate of their eventual wrath how their weekend was. Before the first sip of coffee of the morning was taken, the awkward interaction that would undoubtedly ruin the entire month was set into motion with an empty cordiality.
The sense of dread was already palpable as the contour of the coworker sidled into sight, casually adjacent to the end of the cubicle wall, its presence always suggested an unreasonable need or demand.
Neither had ever hinted at an even remote interest in the happenings of each other’s respective weekends which rendered the question even more unsettling. Like most office relationships, they tolerated each other at best and loathed each other at worst. Nonetheless the inquiry was made in a feeble attempt to camouflage incompetence with politeness and pacify the situation.
“Hiya,” said the coworker sheepishly, arms crossed over the top of the cube wall. “How was the weekend?” The shrillness of the question infuriating anyone within earshot.
Before a response could be mustered, a barrage of unclear, irresolvable and time sensitive demands rained down with reckless abandon. Like a swarm body blows in a prized fight chopping down the reigning champ and reducing him to a mound of bloody, whimpering flesh.
Fortunately because the soul crushing tasks were delivered after a vacant nicety, the coworker can retreat to her desk void of any remorse. In fact, encouraged by the start of a blossoming relationship.
Chicago, IL-The intricate history of humanity’s evolution in cultureless office environments just became even more nuanced. With desirable physical manifestations like stained teeth, poor posture, aggressive beigeness, smooth lifeless hands and deteriorating vision already mainstays in the transformation to crippled desk troll, this new evolutionary attribute is a game changer that could complete the transition to docile office lackey.
In a double blind placebo study conducted across indistinguishable digital entities in Chicago, it was found that most employees could completely evacuate themselves in less than 25 seconds. Comparatively time on spent on the crapper at home breached 10 minutes with regularity.
The difference of 9 minutes and 35 seconds is attributed to the paranoia that the other indifferent employees in the office would become aware of the prolonged absence and thus privy to the ruthless war being waged atop a nest of cheap toilet paper in stall three of an office bathroom. Assuming that all coworkers are constantly seeking an opportunity to envision someone they work with struggling on the can.
The fear of judgement for a bodily function, from a group of people that are forced to tolerate each other on a daily basis, has caused productivity to skyrocket across the city as the era of a leisurely pooping while doing 200 pages of Moby Dick is facing certain extinction.
Chicago, IL-On Wednesday, a manager was unable to determine whether a conference room full of employees were kicking off a new project, or mourning the simultaneous and sudden death of their beloved childhood pets. Through the pane it was indeterminable whether the moisture gathering on the sunken faces were tears or sweat from all of the innovation happening.
The room was completely silent according to the manager, though mouths appeared to sometimes open and close involuntarily in the moments he observed whatever was happening in the meeting. Some certainly appeared focused, perhaps sullen, while others seemed to be struggling to subdue an impossible rage. Each emotion lending itself to the confusion surrounding the purpose of the meeting.
A collective pet funeral, complete with agenda and numerous actionable items with fellow coworkers, was certainly not out of the question though neither was a life questioning kickoff call with an unappreciative client.
Because neither circumstance was more or less likely than the other, the manager moved slowly on, satisfied that a kickoff meeting could be as emotionally impactful as the death of someone’s favorite thing in the whole world.
Chicago, IL-Employee Kenneth Parker, creative director at a company incapable of creativity, has never had much of a sense of humor, or a personality for that matter. But what he lacks in both human compassion and wit, he makes up for with a novelty Dunder Mifflin coffee mug that was purchased two years after the final episode of The Office aired.
“Dunder Mifflin is this fictional paper company in this super funny show, not sure if you’ve heard of it…the Office? Anyways I got the mug because the company doesn’t actually exist, but people who watch the show very closely will think it’s hilarious,” said Parker taking a long, annoying slurp from the idiotic and untimely mug.
The show ended four years ago and the mug from Spencer’s Gifts has become increasingly stale from a state of already questionable interest, but Parker hopes the laughs will pick up as he molds his personality and likeness into Jim Halpert.
Though he hasn’t gotten any direct compliments or commentary, he maintains that several people have inadvertently glanced down at the mug before excusing themselves from another excruciating conversation with him.
Job interviews can be SO confusing. Other than obvious social ques, measurable cordiality and overall ease of conversation, there’s never any real way to determine what the person interviewing you is thinking. There’s a chance that a nugget of pure unbridled hatred is lying just beneath that shit eating grin. That maybe you won’t get to work in a nebulous role, churning out garbage that functions as a slight annoyance to everyone else in the department and a greater burden to humanity as a whole.
There’s a chance that you won’t even get the opportunity to grind away the prime years of your life buried in a sterile cubicle, threatening to pursue you’re dreams before quietly subduing them once more. Why take that chance!? The one thing every job interview is missing in the presence of a natural male enhancement energy drink. Use the steps below to land your dream job in minutes!
- Abruptly announce in the middle of the interview that you are both thirsty, tired and lacking
- Politely decline the glass of water they offer and show preparedness by coolly sliding out a visibly room temperature Extenze natural male enhancement energy drink from your leather tote
- Slowly open the can so that every crack of the aluminum cuts like knifes through the agonizing silence, showing confidence by never breaking eye contact with the taxidermied nutria that may or may not be real behind the interviewers head
- Vocalize that the throbbing thyroid gland, tunnel vision and ear ringing you’ve been experiencing since starting the enhancement regiment are all testaments to you being able to overcome adversity
- Take a long, concentrated pull from the can to the point of noticeable discomfort, allowing some of the viscous fluid to run down your chin combining with the sweat that has already been forming
- Place the can without coaster on the desk to show ultimate transparency and a dedication to multi-tasking, getting a job while also gaining girth
- Give a lengthy, clammy departing handshake, barely moving each of your fingers
- Wait for the job offer!
A completely behind the times, technologically incapable person at the office is officially ready to get on the blower to talk through a problem that should have easily been solved with a simple email. “I saw the words Browser and URL and knew it was over my head, it’s always easiest for everyone…to just get on the phone and talk me through things step by step,” said Derek Vargas, hovering his mouse over a PDF file and growing more irritated and confused by the minute on why it won’t open. Menial tasks for most, such as opening files and browsing the internet, are painstaking voyages for Vargas. They consume the majority of his day and that consumption in turn makes the rest of the office his personal beast of technological burden.
“It takes a brave person to admit they need help and an even braver person to stand ardently in opposition to change, to remain hopelessly in the past and to be a part of as many meetings as possible.” Continued Vargas, confusedly pecking at a keyboard not currently connected to the computer.
The required phone call was an incomprehensible failure by every definition of the word as every attempt at education or explanation landed with a dull thud in the excruciating silence. “The call went well, so much easier on the phone! Total collaboration! I told them if they needed anything else from me, I’d be more than happy to sit silently on the other end of a lengthy, one-sided phone call,” said Vargas cheerily, Zappos shopping cart brimming over.
The rest of the office remains confused by his presence.
During the routine, four hour daily status meeting in which most of the items are inapplicable to the majority of aloof attendees something profound happened. Or rather it is speculated that something profound may or may not have happened. As the endless list of irresolvable tasks was reaching its climax, one remote employee blurted out the universal meaning of life when asked about an upcoming imaginary deadline. Unfortunately following several seconds of silence and an annoyed voice asking if his phone was on mute, he realized the inevitable.
“The insufferable monotony triggered something from deep within me, for one moment I experienced absolute clarity…and just like that it was gone. I’ll never remember what I said that day.” said Greg Campbell whose phone was on mute because he was fielding the call from the confines of his bathroom. The group was undoubtedly happy to bypass the meaning of life if it meant they didn’t have to hear whatever else was taking place in that bathroom.
“I did the only thing I could at that point, unmuted my phone and absently agreed that the new deadlines were acceptable even though they weren’t.” continued Campbell, firing off confused emails demanding an explanation for the change in deadline. The clumsy agreement passed, disregarded like everything else discussed in the meeting.
It remains uncertain whether Campbell was supposed to be in that particular meeting or if he works at the office at all.
A trendy little boutique startup has created a game-changing device that could disrupt the way you work forever, or at least until the next trend comes around and renders it obsolete. Though promoting an active work environment has been all the rage, experts have found that moving around at work actually greatly decreases efficiency. Employees are at their best when sitting completely motionless at their desk in a state of mild paralysis. To achieve such a daunting feat the startup iStationary created the device DeskBuddy that has an accompanying app.
DeskBuddy is 900 lb. squat rack that each employee is strapped into with a complex set of hooks and harnesses at the start of every day. The locking system makes it virtually impossible to detach from DeskBuddy until 5:00 p.m. Though employees are still encouraged to move around at will, they do inherit the risk of severe long term injury from the impossibly heavy squat bar. And with the interactive app, employees can monitor just how long they’ve been completely immobile and have friendly competitions with coworkers for who has remained motionless the longest…can anyone say team building?
The DeskBuddy will expedite the transition from semi-active employee to humanoid blob responsible only for creating and distributing physical and digital waste. Be prepared for the device to rise in popularity for several weeks before being made extinct by the next ineffective office trend, cast into a neglected corporate graveyard next to the rotting corpse of the open office floor plan.
One employee toiling in a nebulous digital role has gone through painstaking measures to ensure that the entire office is fully aware that he’s far more productive when working from home. “Look sometimes I just can’t handle the distractions of an office…like a reliable internet connection, being fully clothed, or having accountability with my boss…just too damn distracting,” said Tyler Schmatz complacently, sitting in a pair of soiled sweatpants and spaghetti stained undershirt, furiously blazing through another season of House of Cards.
Though the office is grossly indifferent to Schmatz’s existence as a whole, he finds it necessary to make this the focal point of any conversation held within the dull confines of the office. “Frankly, I’m uncertain what he does here, whatever it is though…he definitely may or may not be able to do it from home,” said one coworker. Others agreed that it seemed entirely possible he could do his job in some capacity from home. “Yeah unlike some people who work from home, I work with 100% efficiency, like I said it’s really the only place I can focus and actually get some work done,” continued Schmatz, casually washing down a Molly with four fingers of lukewarm well gin as a Batman vs. Superman torrent finishes.
As long as Tyler continues to work from home, the office will remain vaguely uninterested in his production.
There’s a certain expectation of monotony in a corporate bathroom. An orderliness in behavior that affords us the luxury of letting our guard down. It can be reasonably ascertained for instance that the urinals will be used exclusively for urine and the sink counter will not be used to fulfill any regrettable carnal yearnings. The facilities are generally well maintained, there’s a notable absence of the pesky bathroom attendant threatening to soak you in Drakkar Noir and the company is determinedly mild-mannered. That being said in rare, momentary lapses the corporate bathroom can breed traumatic experiences that will haunt for an eternity.
I entered the office bathroom as aloof as any other day, noting the violently taupe walls and subtle smell of sulfur. I paused immediately after entering and took a moment to cherish the ordinariness of it all, a perfectly crafted environment for no one and everyone. I continued walking in allowing my admiration of the stale, lifeless surroundings to fully consume my attention, but as I passed the wall separating this peculiar albeit pleasant world from the terrors outside, I noticed something that didn’t belong. Or perhaps someone.
In the middle of the two sinks that inhabit the majority of the counter stood a man, gazing deeply and satisfyingly into the mirror. He appeared to be inexplicably wearing a pair of carpenter flare jeans that had a light wash and seemed like they shouldn’t be worn anywhere, let alone work. Tucked snuggly into the pants was disproportionately small button up shirt, which only functioned to make the flared jeans appear even more like JNCO’s. Though I objected to the workplace garb, this wasn’t the most upsetting part of the experience.
I promptly relieved myself, returning to the sink only to find the dimwit looking as smug as ever only now he appeared to have washed his hands and was standing between the two paper towel dispensers that were approximately a full wingspan apart. Instead of using a singular dispenser like anyone with a sliver of self-awareness would, he stood as though on a crucifix collecting paper towels simultaneously in both hands. I stood behind him waiting for the ceremony to end, watching his face go from smug to pure triumph. The chosen one for this bathroom, a new born king, a corporate deity.
Our eyes never wavered in what seemed like an eternity, figuring out how to circumvent the outstretched arms of the self-proclaimed bathroom god. I looked on with a mixture of curiosity and disdain instead of the admiration he sought, I finally decided to nudge through and as I did I heard an audible scoff followed by a sneer in the mirror. He crumpled the massive wad of collected towels and blatantly missed the waist bin and he stormed out. I see him around every now and again and he appears as ordinary as ever, but in that bathroom he reigns supreme for he gets two towels at the same time. The rest of us sniveling cowards could only dream of it.