Chicago, IL-An overdetailed work from home request that would have otherwise been promptly ignored, drew attention from several employees after noticing the graphic recounting of what had transpired to make the work from home a necessity.
“I ate a bowl of clam chowder that a homeless man offered me while I was trying to score some biker speed from a mutant ostrich under the overpass, long story short, I was puking out of my butt for twenty four straight hours, it’s all detailed in my work from home request if you reference that,” said Todd Mitchell, bringing up the calendar invite he had sent which details the happening in gruesome detail for the rest of his coworkers.
The calendar invitation was over 300 words long and contained pictures and illustrations of the toilet, which looked like a crime scene. All in an effort to validate a work from home that really needed no validation.
“I ended up describing everything in as much detail as possible, because a lot of people probably don’t really know what I mean when I say “shitting myself like the world was coming to an end”, hopefully they understand now,” continued Mitchell, comfortably watching The Price is Right for the third time.
Chicago, IL-On Monday, an employee who had spent Sunday like his last day on earth, decided to forego taking PTO and just gut it out. Bottomless mimosas at brunch had evolved into a flurry of Old Crow Whiskey shots and finally culminated in a goat shaped nitrous balloon and the butt bonging of a 24oz 120 minute IPA. But instead of taking a suspicious sick day or using a coveted PTO, Bill Naquin did something that will live in tedious corporate infamy until roughly Q4 of 2019.
“I figured that if I dug deep enough, I could find the courage to sit in a stationary position and stare at the blinking cursor of a word document for seven and a half hours,” said Naquin, recognizing that the task at hand wasn’t too much different from his normal daily routine.
Naquin’s ability to endure severe hangovers and remain continually ineffective at his job have landed him firmly in the world of corporate anonymity, as managers have noted his admirable adherence to the mantra: 90% of the job is just showing up.
“People should be really happy I legged this one out today, was touch and go for a while there after I skidded up my boxers while eating Panda Express. That cleanup ate up nearly half of the day! People seemed genuinely happy I was there though,” continued Naquin looking satisfyingly at an inbox full of unanswered emails, his coworkers looking on in horror at the sagging heap of skin crammed into the ergonomically correct desk chair.
South Bend, IN-A tech company in Northern Indiana, already ripe with global brand influencers and other industry game changers with no discernible skills, hired what they believed to be the front runner of a new digital world order. Little did they know, a skill that he had been endorsed for over 12,000 times on LinkedIn, was not another ambiguous marketing proficiency to add to the team but rather indicated an aptitude for lengthy and colossal vape plumes.
“When you see a word like cloud capacity, you automatically think VP of something, hell you’d be smart to create a whole new division around something like that,” said the department head, furiously hacking away at another level of bubble shooter.
“Now knowing that cloud capacity indicates the overall size of a vape cloud he can make in one continuous blow, I’m putting ten people underneath him and giving him a corner office. Being a regional Northern Indiana Vape Champion and being a global brand ambassador/industry thought leadership influencer are essentially the same thing,” continued the head, completely unaware that the newly hired employee’s technological competence is limited to logging into his premium PornHub account.
Though the department remains in shambles, the enormous, passion fruit scented clouds remain a sight to behold.
Chicago, IL-On Monday, a generally incompetent coworker who had blown several deadlines prior and grossly mismanaged an entire project, smoothed things over by asking the candidate of their eventual wrath how their weekend was. Before the first sip of coffee of the morning was taken, the awkward interaction that would undoubtedly ruin the entire month was set into motion with an empty cordiality.
The sense of dread was already palpable as the contour of the coworker sidled into sight, casually adjacent to the end of the cubicle wall, its presence always suggested an unreasonable need or demand.
Neither had ever hinted at an even remote interest in the happenings of each other’s respective weekends which rendered the question even more unsettling. Like most office relationships, they tolerated each other at best and loathed each other at worst. Nonetheless the inquiry was made in a feeble attempt to camouflage incompetence with politeness and pacify the situation.
“Hiya,” said the coworker sheepishly, arms crossed over the top of the cube wall. “How was the weekend?” The shrillness of the question infuriating anyone within earshot.
Before a response could be mustered, a barrage of unclear, irresolvable and time sensitive demands rained down with reckless abandon. Like a swarm body blows in a prized fight chopping down the reigning champ and reducing him to a mound of bloody, whimpering flesh.
Fortunately because the soul crushing tasks were delivered after a vacant nicety, the coworker can retreat to her desk void of any remorse. In fact, encouraged by the start of a blossoming relationship.
Chicago, IL-The intricate history of humanity’s evolution in cultureless office environments just became even more nuanced. With desirable physical manifestations like stained teeth, poor posture, aggressive beigeness, smooth lifeless hands and deteriorating vision already mainstays in the transformation to crippled desk troll, this new evolutionary attribute is a game changer that could complete the transition to docile office lackey.
In a double blind placebo study conducted across indistinguishable digital entities in Chicago, it was found that most employees could completely evacuate themselves in less than 25 seconds. Comparatively time on spent on the crapper at home breached 10 minutes with regularity.
The difference of 9 minutes and 35 seconds is attributed to the paranoia that the other indifferent employees in the office would become aware of the prolonged absence and thus privy to the ruthless war being waged atop a nest of cheap toilet paper in stall three of an office bathroom. Assuming that all coworkers are constantly seeking an opportunity to envision someone they work with struggling on the can.
The fear of judgement for a bodily function, from a group of people that are forced to tolerate each other on a daily basis, has caused productivity to skyrocket across the city as the era of a leisurely pooping while doing 200 pages of Moby Dick is facing certain extinction.
Chicago, IL-On Wednesday, a manager was unable to determine whether a conference room full of employees were kicking off a new project, or mourning the simultaneous and sudden death of their beloved childhood pets. Through the pane it was indeterminable whether the moisture gathering on the sunken faces were tears or sweat from all of the innovation happening.
The room was completely silent according to the manager, though mouths appeared to sometimes open and close involuntarily in the moments he observed whatever was happening in the meeting. Some certainly appeared focused, perhaps sullen, while others seemed to be struggling to subdue an impossible rage. Each emotion lending itself to the confusion surrounding the purpose of the meeting.
A collective pet funeral, complete with agenda and numerous actionable items with fellow coworkers, was certainly not out of the question though neither was a life questioning kickoff call with an unappreciative client.
Because neither circumstance was more or less likely than the other, the manager moved slowly on, satisfied that a kickoff meeting could be as emotionally impactful as the death of someone’s favorite thing in the whole world.
Chicago, IL-Employee Kenneth Parker, creative director at a company incapable of creativity, has never had much of a sense of humor, or a personality for that matter. But what he lacks in both human compassion and wit, he makes up for with a novelty Dunder Mifflin coffee mug that was purchased two years after the final episode of The Office aired.
“Dunder Mifflin is this fictional paper company in this super funny show, not sure if you’ve heard of it…the Office? Anyways I got the mug because the company doesn’t actually exist, but people who watch the show very closely will think it’s hilarious,” said Parker taking a long, annoying slurp from the idiotic and untimely mug.
The show ended four years ago and the mug from Spencer’s Gifts has become increasingly stale from a state of already questionable interest, but Parker hopes the laughs will pick up as he molds his personality and likeness into Jim Halpert.
Though he hasn’t gotten any direct compliments or commentary, he maintains that several people have inadvertently glanced down at the mug before excusing themselves from another excruciating conversation with him.
Job interviews can be SO confusing. Other than obvious social ques, measurable cordiality and overall ease of conversation, there’s never any real way to determine what the person interviewing you is thinking. There’s a chance that a nugget of pure unbridled hatred is lying just beneath that shit eating grin. That maybe you won’t get to work in a nebulous role, churning out garbage that functions as a slight annoyance to everyone else in the department and a greater burden to humanity as a whole.
There’s a chance that you won’t even get the opportunity to grind away the prime years of your life buried in a sterile cubicle, threatening to pursue you’re dreams before quietly subduing them once more. Why take that chance!? The one thing every job interview is missing in the presence of a natural male enhancement energy drink. Use the steps below to land your dream job in minutes!
- Abruptly announce in the middle of the interview that you are both thirsty, tired and lacking
- Politely decline the glass of water they offer and show preparedness by coolly sliding out a visibly room temperature Extenze natural male enhancement energy drink from your leather tote
- Slowly open the can so that every crack of the aluminum cuts like knifes through the agonizing silence, showing confidence by never breaking eye contact with the taxidermied nutria that may or may not be real behind the interviewers head
- Vocalize that the throbbing thyroid gland, tunnel vision and ear ringing you’ve been experiencing since starting the enhancement regiment are all testaments to you being able to overcome adversity
- Take a long, concentrated pull from the can to the point of noticeable discomfort, allowing some of the viscous fluid to run down your chin combining with the sweat that has already been forming
- Place the can without coaster on the desk to show ultimate transparency and a dedication to multi-tasking, getting a job while also gaining girth
- Give a lengthy, clammy departing handshake, barely moving each of your fingers
- Wait for the job offer!
A completely behind the times, technologically incapable person at the office is officially ready to get on the blower to talk through a problem that should have easily been solved with a simple email. “I saw the words Browser and URL and knew it was over my head, it’s always easiest for everyone…to just get on the phone and talk me through things step by step,” said Derek Vargas, hovering his mouse over a PDF file and growing more irritated and confused by the minute on why it won’t open. Menial tasks for most, such as opening files and browsing the internet, are painstaking voyages for Vargas. They consume the majority of his day and that consumption in turn makes the rest of the office his personal beast of technological burden.
“It takes a brave person to admit they need help and an even braver person to stand ardently in opposition to change, to remain hopelessly in the past and to be a part of as many meetings as possible.” Continued Vargas, confusedly pecking at a keyboard not currently connected to the computer.
The required phone call was an incomprehensible failure by every definition of the word as every attempt at education or explanation landed with a dull thud in the excruciating silence. “The call went well, so much easier on the phone! Total collaboration! I told them if they needed anything else from me, I’d be more than happy to sit silently on the other end of a lengthy, one-sided phone call,” said Vargas cheerily, Zappos shopping cart brimming over.
The rest of the office remains confused by his presence.
During the routine, four hour daily status meeting in which most of the items are inapplicable to the majority of aloof attendees something profound happened. Or rather it is speculated that something profound may or may not have happened. As the endless list of irresolvable tasks was reaching its climax, one remote employee blurted out the universal meaning of life when asked about an upcoming imaginary deadline. Unfortunately following several seconds of silence and an annoyed voice asking if his phone was on mute, he realized the inevitable.
“The insufferable monotony triggered something from deep within me, for one moment I experienced absolute clarity…and just like that it was gone. I’ll never remember what I said that day.” said Greg Campbell whose phone was on mute because he was fielding the call from the confines of his bathroom. The group was undoubtedly happy to bypass the meaning of life if it meant they didn’t have to hear whatever else was taking place in that bathroom.
“I did the only thing I could at that point, unmuted my phone and absently agreed that the new deadlines were acceptable even though they weren’t.” continued Campbell, firing off confused emails demanding an explanation for the change in deadline. The clumsy agreement passed, disregarded like everything else discussed in the meeting.
It remains uncertain whether Campbell was supposed to be in that particular meeting or if he works at the office at all.