One Tie All Tie

The Office, where are they now?

Pam Beasley-Halpert: After the show, Pam spent the next five years focusing on hyphenating her last name and then gleefully correcting people who happened to get it wrong. She used the minimal savings her and Jim built up over the years to lease a Plato’s Closet used clothing store on the south side of Scranton. The store has never turned a profit and regularly battles moth infestations in varying pieces of outdated Hollister merchandise, but she considers the family happy as they’ve achieved her perception of the American dream in a barely tolerable existence.

Kevin Malone: Kevin Malone shaved his head completely and plays a giant, horrific oiled up baby in the Cirque de Soleil rendering of Shrek 3.

Jim Halpert: Jim works as the spineless, bumbling janitor at Plato’s closet, forced by Pam to routinely clean up emergency blowouts in the neglected bathroom. Though most of his day is spent sulking in varying corners, he often finds time to wrestle hero sized turds from the toilet to continually prove his love for Pam. He still plays pranks though! Including last year when he dropped DMT and cut the crotches out of every pair of boot cut jeans in the store. Their dwindling marriage and unchallenging life is an inspiration to us all.  

Creed Bratton: Creed runs a chain of unsavory vape and porn hybrid stores called VapeHole. He personally curates the perfect vape and pornography pairings like Ham Salad/Big Dicks Little Holes 4 or Wet Dog/The Secret Life of Boner Mitty. There is also a video poker machine that you can bet fingers at and a Bengay dispensing Roomba.

Meredith Palmer: Meredith is set to take over for Ray Liotta as the new face of Chantix, the relentless anti-smoking drug ad campaign that has plagued us all for the past 6 months. Otherwise she sells bootleg Sutter Home door to door and is working on her University of Phoenix degree in amusement park ride operation.

She is also a Florida state Senator.

Dwight Schrute: Dwight Schrute died of natural causes.

Stanley Hudson: Stanley bought a decommissioned Senor Frogs mascot suit and currently lives in it. He spends most of his time at the Orlando restaurant harassing customers for leftover shrimp tails and candid nude photos. In his spare time he drives an incredibly smelly and undersized Uber which customers are forced to endure without mention.

Phyllis Smith: Phyllis is the rabid face of the anti-vaxxer movement. She regularly goes on Sutter Home fueled tweet storms condemning the Obama administration for their role in the government mind control agenda. She is also an avid flat earther and has been known to physically assault any detractors. 

Toby Flenderson: Was hired as a correspondent for E! after murdering and stealing the skin of Ryan Seacrest.

The rest of the cast is still being located.