Not a lot in this world will put your ring piece in a bigger knot than playing the waiting game at the dentist office. Sliding around, trying to find a stable position on a faux leather chair that seems to be covered in Vaseline as you count down the minutes to oral Armageddon. Your Swiss cheese teeth feeling every gust of air from the blustering AC unit that turns the office into a virtual meat locker, except instead of gorgeous cuts of beef you get nose picking brats and a fish tank full of bland, decaying fish straight from Pet Supplies Plus. As the anxiety peaks, you’re looking for anything to pacify the feeling of impending doom.
As fate would have it, a magazine rack sits invitingly in the corner of the room. Below is a ranking system that will help curate such a complex and eclectic offering, giving you the refuge you need from the depressing grips of the waiting room.
5.) Homes & Garden: Start your journey by thumbing through the always riveting epic that is Home & Garden monthly. It’s always comforting to know that there are flowers out there that you’ll never plant and houses that you’ll never own. Oh, cabins appear to be in this year! As soon as you get done putting a down payment on this triple root canal, you can get right on buying that quaint log cabin in Colonial Williamsburg!
4.) National Geographic: Next up is the one magazine that always seems to have at one point left in a steam room. Brought to the bathroom one too many times. This contemporary jazz playing in the background is the perfect soundtrack to examine the wonders of nature. Sitting in this godforsaken room watching the minutes tick away on an imitation grandfather clock and thinking you couldn’t be any further away from the beauty outside is a great way to pass some time.
4.) 2-year-old ESPN Magazine: After you’ve gotten your fill of dandelions trellises, high end shutters, and stalking lions it’s time to enjoy some dated sporting news. Wow it looks like the Ravens won the Super Bowl! Must have missed it. What year is it again? Throwing your brain through a time warp is a rare combination of monotony and confusion, the perfect distraction from the smell of burning teeth in the other room. Just like the Gatorade ad you’re looking at, the painful screaming in the next room is just weakness leaving the body.
3.) TV Guide: This can be painful. At this very moment, for the first time ever, Maury is getting to the bottom of which of the 14 toothless bachelors is the father of a child. And what’s this? An extremely rare How I Met Your Mother marathon! Instead of being firmly planted on your couch watching this glorious programming, you’re about to be publicly shamed for not flossing. At least you can go to that T.V. in your head while you’re being sternly disciplined for the aforementioned flossing.
1.) Highlights Magazine: Enough with the foreplay, it’s time to get into the heavy stuff. Time to get intellectual with Hidden Pictures, learn life lessons with Goofus & Gallant, get craft ideas for a DIY Christmas and pick up a couple jokes to get the boss chuckling back at the office. The most diverse and influential magazine in history, this will really make you consider the boundaries of the human spirit and the beauty that we are capable of producing.