One Tie All Tie

Guy wearing Superman shirt remains furthest possible thing from superhero

Wearing a Superman Under Armour shirt is the best way to prove to the other uncaring members of the gym that you’re a fucking tough guy. They really need to know. They care. Their expressionless eyes gazing deeply into the dull glow of their phones only affirms the notion that they care. Pay no mind that the shirt is clinging to your bones for dear life as you struggle to exceed 100 lbs. on bench. It doesn’t matter, it looks so…damn…badass. Proving that you’re a badass to a room full of complete strangers should be everyone’s goal in life. Nothing confirms your purpose in life like the imagined admiration of several people you’ll never see again. And what better way to do that than to wear an overpriced dry fit shirt marketed specifically to people who want to impress at the gym.

You know what Superman would do if he worked out at an insufferable big box gym in the middle of Chicago? He would loogie in the drinking fountain. He would throw weights around and not rerack. He would rip bitter protein farts at will and crop dust the entire gym faster than a speeding bullet. And just like you he would never do leg day. The horrified eyes transfixed on your back as it bows and creaks during an atrocious deadlift are full of jealousy. Keep reminding yourself that. They’re not Superman, you are.

Though you don’t have the strength, intelligence, fortitude or any other admiral qualities of note, you are a man and Superman was a man. Superman’s costume was likely some type of polyester blend as well. Those two similarities create an unbreakable bond between you and him. Something stronger than alien blood. So fly high through the stale air of the piece of shit gym, be a nuisance to everyone else. Embrace your mediocrity.