NFL 2017 Week 1 Love/Hate Haikus

QB Love

Ben Roethlisberger at Cleveland
Jean cargos, skechers
Saturday’s are made for Kohl’s
Sundays for winning

Russell Wilson at Green Bay
An all knowing god
Unmoved by the plight of man
Only lives Sundays

QB Hate

Eli Manning at Dallas
Damn good employee
At Papa John’s in Rockford
Middle management

Tyrod Taylor vs. New York
Crushing solitude
Can devour any hope
Decay any light

RB Love

Todd Gurley vs. Indianapolis
Welcome to Indy
Beacon of obesity
A cultureless void

Jordan Howard vs. Atlanta
A dimly lit star
Wading through oceans of plain
To a dismal pit

RB Hate

Jay Ajayi vs. Tampa Bay
Pregame with Pitbull
Grape bombs at a Senor Frogs
Hangover, dale

Mike Gillislee vs. Kansas City
Horseshoe casino
Roulette wheel cruelly spins
Revealing losers

WR Love

Devante Parker vs. Tampa Bay
Carton of Camels
For a chain smoking diva
Light up, breathe deep, fly

Alshon Jeffery at Washington
I will raise you up
On Eagles wings, through the sky
The lamb of cheese steaks

WR Hate

T.Y. Hilton vs. Los Angeles
Lady luck has died
Scott Tolzien is everything
Abandon your dreams

Doug Baldwin at Green Bay
Bio Dome returns
Starring a brand new Baldwin
Rip van Tinklefest

TE Love

Jimmy Graham at Green Bay
An aging beast crawls
Toward glory one final time
Before vanishing

Hunter Henry at Denver
Bah Gawd! Who’s music?
That’s Double H! With a chair!
The humanity!

TE Hate

Eric Ebron vs. Arizona
Owned by everyone
Once a season and then cut
Then signed, then released

Kyle Rudolph vs. New Orleans
Hobbits cannot see
Reindeer, no he cherishes
Insipid handoffs

Defense Love

Los Angeles vs. Indianapolis
The glue factory
Where horses turn to Elmer’s
Huffed by famous folks

Defense Hate

Minnesota vs. New Orleans
The Viking sex cruise
Docked at She She’s, New Orleans
Unable to move

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Week 2 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus

Quarterback:
Love
Peyton Manning vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Papa John’s Pizza
Is now serving wounded ducks
Garlic Gatorade

gatotrad2

Tony Romo vs. Philadelphia
Enough misfortune
For an entire lifetime
Finally vanquished

Russel Wilson vs. Green Bay
Recovery water
And some fire and brimstone
Melts evil Packers

russel

Hate:
Tom Brady vs. Buffalo
Public tax dollars
Won’t fund another escape
Crushed like a cellphone

Matthew Stafford vs. Minnesota
A flat backwards hat
Can’t block out stadium lights
Can make face look huge

images

Jay Cutler vs. Arizona
A city ash tray
Takes a greyhound bus away
To never return

Running Back:
Love:
Lamar Miller vs. Jacksonville

Saddened, denial
Sadder than Dolphin Tale Two?
Become Free Willy

Joseph Randle vs. Philadelphia
Fresh Polo undies
Defense smells stolen cologne
They’re left motionless

Danny Woodhead vs. Cincinnati
Pocket Juggalo
The greasiest hair ever
Will slip defenders

juggalo

Hate:
Justin Forsett vs. Oakland
A one year wonder
Meets a stagnant, mild offense
A lukewarm result

Alfred Morris vs. St. Louis
A herd of mad Rams
Turned cannibal, seek fresh meat
Ring the feeding bell

p1029578637-3

Doug Martin vs. New Orleans
Jameis, cannot throw
Jameis, cannot throw. Jameis,
Cannot throw Jameis

Wide Receiver
Love:
Cole Beasley vs. Philadelphia
A helmet mullet
Makes you extra elusive
Blonde locks in the wind

Indianapolis+Colts+v+Dallas+Cowboys+L3LpnTobkd3l

Keenan Allen vs. Cincinnati
Left for dead, but why?
Does a season make a man?
Rise! Crawl from the ash!

Calvin Johnson vs. Minnesota
Rusty parts, neglect
Performed like Transformers Two
Ready to explode

Hate:

Amari Cooper vs. Baltimore
Bah Gawd! That’s Pac-Man!
Choke slam! Amari, choke slam!
He still looks woozy!

jr

Sammy Watkins vs. New England
What is that garment?
Invisibility cloak
Quidditch not football

Andre Johnson vs.  New York
Old, Older, Oldest
Del Boca Vista  retiree
Early bird special

Tight End:

Love:
Jason Witten vs. Philadelphia
Is this sorcery?
To disobey father time
Is to live always

Hate:
Greg Olsen vs. Houston
Swarming bees attack
Like Nic Cage in Wicker Man
The bees! Not the bees!

not_the_bees

Week 2 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus

Quarterback Love

Nick Foles
Go Away! Batin’!
Loves money and sex with chicks
Costco time machine

batin

 

Jake Locker
The Dallas Defense
Is worse than Space Jam’s Tune Squad
Tune Squad sans M.J.

halftime

 

Quarterback Hate

Peyton Manning
Hamburger Pizza
A lingering pregame snack
White pants become brown

peyton-za

Robert Griffin III
Nothing in the tank
Has-been playing county fairs
Just like Sugar Ray

rg3

 

Running Backs Love

Chris Johnson
Gold grills are too trill
Has Lenny Kravitz dreadlocks
C.J. fly away

Lenny_Kravitz_Fields_of_Joy_cover

Marshawn Lynch
Marshawn Skittles cloud
Forecast: torrential downpour
Candy bludgeoning

skittlescloud

Running Backs Hate

Steven Jackson
Can barely stand up
Watch him faint behind the line
Back of calf face plants

Steven+Jackson+St+Louis+Rams+v+San+Francisco+GxcTzGX0y4Sl

 

Doug Martin
The muscle hamster
Only enjoys burrowing
Not running wild, free

dougy

 

Wide Receiver Love

Victor Cruz
Enjoys Pace salsa
Instead of red Gatorade
More electrolytes

pace

Vincent Jackson
It is most quiet
Before the storm, and most dark
Before any light

vjax

Wide Receiver Hate

Percy Harvin
Is more volatile
Than an expired McRib
A blowout coming

percyharvin

 

Dwayne Bowe
Suspended or not
Toil in irrelevance
Bong loads make stone hands

biodome

 

Tight End Love

Rob Gronkowski
The bionic man
Or bicentennial man
The Iron Giant

xwxsasa

Tight End Hate

Jordan Cameron
A dumpster fire
Nothing is salvageable
Abandon all Browns

flaming

Defense Love

Tampa Bay
The St. Louis Rams
Louisiana Mud Dogs
Sans the Water Boy

9-waterboy

Defense Hate

San Francisco
Lunch Lady Romo
Will not be serving hot picks
This is not Dallas

tumblr_mqj4o6Zpmz1qfywy0o1_r2_400

Love/Hate Haikus Week 11

Week 11 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus

Quarterbacks Love
Andrew Luck
Deepest voice ever
Slow motion Talkboy F/X
Buzz’s girlfriend woof

Mike Glennon
Miley Cyrus hair
Arm is like a wrecking ball
Runnin’ on molly

WreckingBall

Matthew Stafford
Lambda Gun Slinger
Butt bongs beer regularly
A doughy frat boy

Stafford

Quarterbacks Hate:
Joe Flacco
The Flaccid Flacco
Always in refractory
Non elite QB

Alex Smith
I nap when he plays
Noodle armed lullaby
Can’t hang with Peyton

Carson Palmer
He can barely move
Most average human ever
Despises winning

Running Backs Love
Ray Rice
Will find his talent
Like the Toon Squad in Space Jam
A trap game for Bears

Mike James (if he plays)
The new super freak
Fuck your couch Charlie Murphy
I am Mike James bitch

MikeJames

Alfred Morris
A better butler
Than even Michael Kane is
Alfred Pennyworth

PennyWorth

Running Backs Hate
Ben Tate
A bad batch of ribs
Some eaten at Applebees
Sad establishment

Jamaal Charles
When points are dropped
And one team cannot keep up
The running will stop

Steven Jackson
A bigger helmet
Is the first step to fixing
Nose touches facemask

Action

Wide Receivers Love
T.Y. Hilton
Had something to prove
Is now Reggie 2 point 0
The franchise future

Andre Johnson (Andre 3000)
Keenum is Big Boi
Remaking Aquemini
A masterpiece game

Keenum

Wide Receivers Hate
Steve Smith
Age is catching up
Aqib Talib is as well
The fade from stardom

Cecil Shorts
Arizona D
Is smoking blunts with Blackmon
Cecil can’t survive

Defense Love
Chicago
See Flaccid Flacco
A Superbowl hangover
Offense is awful

Defense Hate
Carolina
Golden boy is back
He’s wearing Uggs and CK
Also complaining