Cincinnati, Ohio-In an effort to preserve one of humanity’s most delicate and rare assets, the Cincinnati zoo has agreed to slaughter two giant pandas and replace them with the Walmart Yodel Kid, who will perform for zoo attendees if thrown the correct amount of petting zoo food.
“At a certain point we as humans have to shift to preserving what’s truly important, this was one of the easier decisions we’ve ever made” said head zookeeper Alphonso Knudson, blindfolding the pandas and preparing them for death by firing squad comprised of the zoo’s top donors.
An entire species can be forgotten if they can’t yodel in front of a bunch of drooling, phone wielding assholes at a goddamn rats nest in northern Indiana. The bastard child of Simon Cowell’s deadbeat second cousin. Someone born for a CBS reality show destined to fail.
“Prepare yourself you bastards!” yelled Knudson as the bullets rained down on the pandas and they fell to their anticlimactic death to the cheers of blood thirsty onlookers.
A recent study completed by a team of Walmart and Southwest scientists has eliminated any lingering doubt; anyone wearing pajama pants is steadily farting for the entire duration of your flight. The worn out elastic waistband, fatigued color, grease skid marks and layer of crumbs on every pair of pajama pants found at the airport all serve as supporting evidence. “Yes, the age of the pajama pant, along with a decaying waistband and rotten embedded food morsels can all contribute to the stench, but what we’ve discovered is much more significant.” said Ed Gentry, head of pajama/sweatpants research at Walmart.
Once a human being has let his/herself go, to the point of wearing pajama pants on an airplane, there is very little they’re incapable of doing. “They don’t care about other humans, maximum comfort is priority, they smell like they just woke up” said Gentry, visibly shaken “This addiction to comfort contributes to a steady stream of rotten air passing through their ringpiece at all times.” Apparently when you dawn sweatpants in an airport it suppresses the part of your brain responsible for basic common courtesy, which includes releasing eye stinging farts on an inescapable cross country flight. “It’s certainly part mental but the crumbling, pilled fabric of the pajama pant also relaxes the sphincter, making it that much easier to let loose.” said Gentry wistfully. Until planes start enforcing a dress code, this epidemic will continue to grow. Scientists have have spoken with TSA agents about a policy to at least ensure the pants haven’t actually been pooped in.
Kidz Bop volume 27 is the perfect album for any and all occasions. So you’re craving that feeling of being trapped inside a giant fart filled PVC maze, with thousands of wailing kids, at DZ Discovery Zone? Kidz Bop 27. What about when you’re longing for that feeling of a kid doing a cannonball on your head? Shoving you deeper into the booger ridden poop stained balls in the ball pit at the McDonalds in Hammond, Indiana. Kidz Bop 27. Who can forget about that feeling of getting pink eye from said balls? Yet another fond feeling that can be resurrected by the voices of screaming kids. It’s as though someone recorded the toy aisle at Walmart for 50 minutes on black Friday.
What could be better than hearing chicken shit top 40 songs as sung by the rejects from the after school choir at St. Joseph’s grade school? I’m surprised every song on here doesn’t have a recorder solo. I think my head would explode if I heard Katy Perry covering “Hot Crossed Buns” covered by Kidz Bop. Just could not be more confused as to who is buying this. Even a simple minded kid should be able to discern that whatever professional is singing the song is clearly better than their snot nosed peer. On the plus side if you order now the album comes with a pile of xannys and a half gallon of Everclear for any parent unfortunate enough to endure this.