Hammond, IN-The Mighty Bits junior soccer team, currently ranked dead last in the 6-8 year old division, disappointed their loyal following yet again on Saturday after being left for dead by the Mini Cobras on a neglected soccer field in rural Indiana. Parents with hopes of someday seeing their kid get cut from a JV soccer team senior year in high school and never play soccer again, wept openly on the sidelines as the oranges they provided as sustenance at halftime somehow made the team even more sluggish.
The flood of sugar and acid on an empty stomach combined with the mouthful of ever thickening, unswallowable spit that an orange provides should have theoretically been enough to overcome the 10 goal halftime deficit, but most of the Mighty Bits team was left washing their sticky hands and faces with the tears of defeat after the opposition scored another 10 goals after half.
Several disinterested children received warnings from concerned parents after the match reached a it’s merciful conclusion. The parents informed players that the college scout at the game, which turned out to be merely a feral dog consumed with rabies, saw their terrible performance and would probably never give them an imaginary scholarship offer to play soccer at University of Phoenix online.
Some parents speculate that had Mrs. Connors splurged on the organic oranges, the results may have been vastly different. Several guests in attendance were taken to the hospital after being bitten by the apparent college scout.
Hammond, Indiana-A hangover that seemed like a manageable affair on initial onset has, within the confines of a twenty minute Uber ride, transformed into a terrifying examination of mortality and panic. The waves of nausea were angry that day, but nothing stirs the rotting excess in the belly of the beast like a 2005 Honda Civic with the heat blasting.
That and a driver who is hard-pitching a low-risk investment in his 3D printing company, are everything needed to consider the prospect of quietly passing away in the stained cloth seats without having made the slightest impact on the world.
The hangover swells to maximum strength as the driver asks about voting preferences right before admitting that a wall between the United States and Mexico may not be the worst thing in the world. Completely oblivious to the jaundiced insect, squirming helplessly for a position that will make it all go away. Its face suggests retching its misguided hopes and dreams with bile and gin, yet it suffers through one word replies, unable to seem impolite. But this hangover is beyond a simple vomit.
Night terrors. Unnatural tingling. A distinct faintness sets in and it becomes uncertain whether or not vital organs will remain intact or disintegrate into the floor with the uncanny amount of white dog hair. The 10 IPA’s drank last night may as well have been neglected Jacuzzi water out of a used condom. A steady sweat sits in and the gum being chewed transforms into vodka soaked aluminum foil.
Only 5-minutes have passed in a 20-minute ride and there’s no certainty of another solid bowel movement for the remainder of the year.
Cambridge, Massachusetts-Over the last few months several fantastical stories have surfaced about Ivy League schools accepting students who wrote admission essays on Papa John’s, Taco Bell and one that even came in the form of a rap song. In the latest clickbait attempt to justify how quirky millennials can be while also filling social feeds with content comparable to flavorless, reheated, 60/40 ground chuck, we examine Grayson Horton-Miller who got into Harvard with a 700,000 word ode to the popular streaming site, PornHub.
“We get thousands of essays every year, but young Grayson’s essay was something to be cherished…a true work of art! A composer in a symphony of bleached assholes!” said Dean of Admission, Phillip Biggins. “The 20,000 word section on POV was superb! Not to mention the 50,000 lines of poetry on gonzo! His theories involving the origin of human evolution being sparked by cuckholding are quite profound! A millenial visionary by every definition of the word!” continued Biggins, head spinning at the porn category algorithms Grayson could someday develop.
Though the essay contains no punctuation and though it appears Grayson has only a loose grasp on how to read and write, the sheer fervor in which the essay was written has gained him admission to Harvard with a full academic scholarship. Millenials do the darndest things!
And though Grayson appears to be struggling with a crippling pornography addiction that is consuming his every thought and rendering him incapable of experiencing actual human emotion, his parents couldn’t be any prouder of their snowflake.
Chicago, IL-The existence of a genuine friendship is most commonly rooted in years of significant life experiences, hilarity, hijinks and the unique happiness experienced in the presence of that friend. But one friendship has defied all odds and exists solely on the threat of at some point hanging out and complaining to each other via text about the infrequency of time spent together.
“We’re planned this SUPER fun girl’s night! We’re going to do a fancy dinner and then dancing all night and Instagraming the whole thing with its own unique hashtag!” said Nicole Cox already considering excuses for why they’d have to reschedule.
“I suggested the third week of June but she has improv that whole week, so she said she was free the second week of August, but I’m in Wisconsin Dells for a Dan Brown writing workshop that week, ultimately we landed on the third or fourth week of February 2025 #cantwait!” continued Cox shopping for the perfect little black dress that will never be worn.
The next 8 years will be spent meticulously crafting texts of excitement for the impending hang out and remorse that they both feel like they haven’t seen each other in forever. This will continue perpetually, reaching climax immediately before their scheduled rendezvous, in which one of them will inevitably cancel…much to the relief of the other. And the cycle will begin once again.
Chicago, IL-On Monday, a generally incompetent coworker who had blown several deadlines prior and grossly mismanaged an entire project, smoothed things over by asking the candidate of their eventual wrath how their weekend was. Before the first sip of coffee of the morning was taken, the awkward interaction that would undoubtedly ruin the entire month was set into motion with an empty cordiality.
The sense of dread was already palpable as the contour of the coworker sidled into sight, casually adjacent to the end of the cubicle wall, its presence always suggested an unreasonable need or demand.
Neither had ever hinted at an even remote interest in the happenings of each other’s respective weekends which rendered the question even more unsettling. Like most office relationships, they tolerated each other at best and loathed each other at worst. Nonetheless the inquiry was made in a feeble attempt to camouflage incompetence with politeness and pacify the situation.
“Hiya,” said the coworker sheepishly, arms crossed over the top of the cube wall. “How was the weekend?” The shrillness of the question infuriating anyone within earshot.
Before a response could be mustered, a barrage of unclear, irresolvable and time sensitive demands rained down with reckless abandon. Like a swarm body blows in a prized fight chopping down the reigning champ and reducing him to a mound of bloody, whimpering flesh.
Fortunately because the soul crushing tasks were delivered after a vacant nicety, the coworker can retreat to her desk void of any remorse. In fact, encouraged by the start of a blossoming relationship.
Chicago, IL-The intricate history of humanity’s evolution in cultureless office environments just became even more nuanced. With desirable physical manifestations like stained teeth, poor posture, aggressive beigeness, smooth lifeless hands and deteriorating vision already mainstays in the transformation to crippled desk troll, this new evolutionary attribute is a game changer that could complete the transition to docile office lackey.
In a double blind placebo study conducted across indistinguishable digital entities in Chicago, it was found that most employees could completely evacuate themselves in less than 25 seconds. Comparatively time on spent on the crapper at home breached 10 minutes with regularity.
The difference of 9 minutes and 35 seconds is attributed to the paranoia that the other indifferent employees in the office would become aware of the prolonged absence and thus privy to the ruthless war being waged atop a nest of cheap toilet paper in stall three of an office bathroom. Assuming that all coworkers are constantly seeking an opportunity to envision someone they work with struggling on the can.
The fear of judgement for a bodily function, from a group of people that are forced to tolerate each other on a daily basis, has caused productivity to skyrocket across the city as the era of a leisurely pooping while doing 200 pages of Moby Dick is facing certain extinction.
A couple eager to decorate their apartment with some homemade art were sorely disappointed after discovering the two paintings from their Wine & Paint class were not only identical, but also complete abominations. “I guess in hindsight we should have anticipated them being identical, but there was no way to foresee the gross over-estimation in our creative ability.” Said 29 year-old Robert Mansfield staring glumly at the atrocity in front of him. His wife’s was equally disgraceful, an embarrassing mess of excessive acrylics.
The night before they had deemed them their life’s work.
“We honestly thought they were pretty good…who wouldn’t want a painting of a ship and a full moon with the saying Swim to your Dreams under it…it seemed incredibly original to us, something to really make our apartment stand out.” Continued Mansfield with his head planted firmly in his hands. Him and his wife oblivious to the fact that there have been several hundred other versions of this painting made from the class in varying degrees of crappiness.
It took several weeks but the honeymoon phase with the paintings they had convinced themselves were somehow good finally ended one fateful Wednesday night. Rob described walking by the two paintings and having a moment of clarity that snapped him from his previous delusional state. “They’re really bad, I was drunk off red wine again for the first time since that night and finally noticed the ugliness; my stomach hurts looking at them.” Said Mansfield crudely jamming the paintings into the dumpster.
Not everyone snaps out of the delusion like Rob, hundreds of basic paintings hang around houses as we speak, so be weird and for the love of God don’t do wine and paint.
Washington, D.C.-Coming under recent scrutiny from having campaign merchandise that was produced in both Vietnam and China, President Elect has vowed that his newest business endeavor will be 100% made in America. Trump Jankem is set to hit stores later this month, the product itself is a thinning, hastily tied grocery bag full of dry-aged human feces.
The product is being described as huffable patriotism and is said to wreak such immense havoc on your brain and nervous system that you’ll transform from open-minded liberal to bigoted tree stump in minutes.
“We’re not just selling bags of my loosest BM’s and I’m talking LOOSE, ok, we’re selling bags of freedom, that’s right a chance at REDEMPTION for all of my many enemies, a chance to bring Steve Bannon’s favorite past-time to the masses!” said Trump squatting over a bag being held by an eager Vice President Mike Pence.
The dry aged fumes are said to directly bolster patriotism in 4 of 5 people who huff Trump Jankem and when combined with Breitbart news or any network television shows it has been reported that true nirvana is experienced as all brain activity momentarily ceases.
Look for Trunk Jankem next to Mountain Dew Code Red in the beverage aisle at any convenient store.
Chicago, IL-A GrubHub order that, upon creation, seemed destined to reach the sacred promised land of convenience and affordability has forsaken a customer once again. What started as a four taco order with a side of chips and guacamole evolved into a $62 fiesta after factoring in minimum order amount, taxes, tip, delivery charge, driver gratuity, taco making tariff, avocado upcharge, steak upcharge, chicken upcharge, baggy of cilantro upcharge and optional returning customer loyalty fare.
The initial bill was a blur as an all-consuming laziness and desperation for lukewarm delivery enveloped the customer on the couch, paralyzed by a heated Law and Order SVU marathon. Any price seemed reasonable to avoid the appalling idea of cooking or even more upsetting prospect of putting on cloths. And the inevitable Instagram boasting about a sleepy Friday night in.
The next day the crippling guilt of a $62 taco delivery hanged heavy in the studio apartment now covered in soiled wrappers. Maybe weeping into a dirty taco sack is what convenience looks like.
As thousands of GrubHub orders are placed daily, modest thrill seekers still covet the lucrative order that will against all odds make it under $50.
Hollywood, CA-It’s been almost five years since the final Twilight iteration joined the ranks of disposable movies played on TBS on weekday afternoons, which means that it’s high-time for an unwanted and totally unnecessary, way-to-soon reimagining. The ravenous group of Twihards have been dormant lately, waiting to pounce on the next money-grabbing reheat.
But this isn’t just another shitty spinoff, what’s being called the sexiest straight to DVD release since American Pie: The Naked Mile, could stoke the romance flame for even modest admirers of cross-species love affairs. Appropriately named, Twilight: Justice, will also be the Hollywood debut of post-teens heartthrob, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg starring as Jacob Black.
When Hollywood executives witnessed the intensity of her workout program along with her affinity towards aggressive weight-lifting supplements and her admiration of supernatural shapeshifters, they deemed her qualified to success Taylor Lautner as Jacob. Discovering that hidden under those robes was not only a champion of gender equality but also a set of oiled up, ultra-tan, hulking biceps resemblant of fully cycled Sylvester Stallone from Rocky IV.
Most of the movie is RBG ripping through the forest on all fours before shredding and eating varying members of a peaceful vampire society that had nothing to do with the original series. There isn’t much romance, or plot for that matter, in fact the only real romance to be found is between Jacob and the bloodied organs scattered after a fresh dismembering. Most of the scenes contain such graphic butcheries that the movie is currently only being sold at The Lion’s Den Adult Megastore in Rockford Illinois.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg is set to retire and begin shooting a Rambo First Blood Part II reimagining in 2045.