Drinking sports drinks with dinner is about as elegant as it gets. Nothing compliments a beautiful cut of meat or fish like artificially flavored nectar of gods. Painstakingly milked directly from Zeus’ left tit. It’s also great for replenishing electrolytes lost from sweating during a challenging artisan meal. The problem with so many different flavors is that it can leave people with cardboard pallets embarrassed and overwhelmed. Knowing the proper Gatorade food pairing can make the most feeble simpleton into a sophisticated gourmand.
Pairing 1: Fruit Punch Gatorade paired with 50 year dry rub aged Wagyu beef, pickles ramps, aerated house made kimchi purée
Let the high fructose corn syrup gently massage your tongue just like the tired muscles of the cow you’re eating after a long day of grazing in the scenic hills of a rural Japanese farm. The toothsome red potion prepares your taste buds for an onslaught of gorgeously funky flavors that will make you question if what you’re eating is actually beef. The electrolytes function as transportation as they wash down the beef, contributing to a lengthy pastoral finish. The contrasting flavors of sophisticated frat jungle juice and rustic farm to table are simply to provocative to resist. Add in the pickled ramps and aerated kimchi because adding anything pickled and or aerated makes it refined by default.
Pairing 2: Lemon Line Gatorade with free range pan seared marlin drizzle with vintage distilled Evian parmesan glaze. Served on a bed of organic, gluten-free, apple cider vinegar glazed kale
A rather predictable fusion of citrus and sea, however the quaintness of such a pairing is actually the culprit of every foodie’s love affair with it. The irony behind conforming to such traditional tastes only increases the intrigue, as the descent into traditional rustic fare provides both comedy and deliciousness. The braveness behind such a plebian effort is an applaudable feat alone. An underhanded ode to those with unevolved pallets.
Pairing 3: Grape Gatorade paired with made from scratch, individually crafted bowtie pasta, basted with an unpasteurized creamy Rosé blend, topped with a healthy pour of unrestrained black truffle shavings and unrestrained aged cheese
Every foodie knows a meal isn’t officially Italian until it’s been sufficiently covered in lavishly expensive black truffle shavings. And what better way to wash down those individually, hand crafted, raw bowtie noodles than a drink that resembles the crudeness of the grapes found in the vineyards of Tuscany? The buttery artificial grape flavor is the perfect vessel for unpasteurized cheese. It propels the artisan meal down your throat like a cool stream running through a tiny village in Italy completely unfazed by time. The marriage of sweet and savory creates an umami that is completely and utterly unrivaled, so don’t even try.
Animal Heaven, Carbondale, Illinois-Buster, a deceased Jack Russell Terrier of a decade, was happy to find out that his name combined with the universal number for weed smoking was now a password for his former owner to login to varying sites to toil in an endless shit storm of menial tasks.
“Buster420…I can’t believe I’ve been commemorated by something as special as a password. Knowing that whenever he is paying bills he can’t afford, logging in to his premium porn subscription, or accessing his work computer to wade through an eternal to-do list of insignificance…He’s thinking about the times we had,” said Buster looking down from the known pet heaven located above the Tilted Kilt in Carbondale.
Other animals looked on warmheartedly, astutely aware of the undeniable happiness that accompanies being immortalized in a password.
Before computers, the only way to reminisce on a deceased family member was fond memories and photographs that celebrated life. Thankfully we can now have a fleeting recollection as we begrudgingly labor over tiresome daily responsibilities.
If you’re feeling violently ill, don’t even think about staying home. Stupid. Careless. Classless. That’s right, you’ll never actually shake that cold by staying home and meticulously nursing yourself back to health. No not at all. You need to be surrounded by other healthy people who are only made aware of your condition by productive nose blowing, labored breathing and forceful hacking that your tiny fist has no chance of containing. Let’s not forget the whiplash inducing sneezes that create a visible mist that falls gently onto your neighbor’s keyboard like fresh dew onto a perfectly manicured lawn on the first day of spring…they don’t care, they’re just happy you’re there…everyone is.
Why would you possibly burn a PTO day staying home when you could be a completely useless burden to everyone in the office? Nothing like visibly and audibly wrestling with the effects of the Nyquil binger from the night before…not to mention whatever the hell you’re sipping on this morning to keep your lungs from falling out of your ring piece. Cough medicine induced tantrums in the middle of meetings are grounds for a raise, so sip away. Succumb to the delirium as you consider the idea that the computer is in fact controlling you.
It’s not as though any of your nebulous digital work could be done at home. Sending emails that no one looks at. Creating digital waste to blast into the abyss. No, none of that could be done from home because your coworkers wouldn’t then have the delight of seeing your lifeless grey and beige complexion and smell your teeth that you neglected to brush. Just remember they’re only concerned about your health not their own, so lean on them as much as possible…it’s not selfish at all…it’s what they want.
So next time you grow predictably ill, go in and sweat it out with the best of them in your ergonomically correct desk chair as you stare into a computer screen that’s as lifeless as you.
Hammond, IN-The Mighty Bits junior soccer team, currently ranked dead last in the 6-8 year old division, disappointed their loyal following yet again on Saturday after being left for dead by the Mini Cobras on a neglected soccer field in rural Indiana. Parents with hopes of someday seeing their kid get cut from a JV soccer team senior year in high school and never play soccer again, wept openly on the sidelines as the oranges they provided as sustenance at halftime somehow made the team even more sluggish.
The flood of sugar and acid on an empty stomach combined with the mouthful of ever thickening, unswallowable spit that an orange provides should have theoretically been enough to overcome the 10 goal halftime deficit, but most of the Mighty Bits team was left washing their sticky hands and faces with the tears of defeat after the opposition scored another 10 goals after half.
Several disinterested children received warnings from concerned parents after the match reached a it’s merciful conclusion. The parents informed players that the college scout at the game, which turned out to be merely a feral dog consumed with rabies, saw their terrible performance and would probably never give them an imaginary scholarship offer to play soccer at University of Phoenix online.
Some parents speculate that had Mrs. Connors splurged on the organic oranges, the results may have been vastly different. Several guests in attendance were taken to the hospital after being bitten by the apparent college scout.
Hammond, Indiana-A hangover that seemed like a manageable affair on initial onset has, within the confines of a twenty minute Uber ride, transformed into a terrifying examination of mortality and panic. The waves of nausea were angry that day, but nothing stirs the rotting excess in the belly of the beast like a 2005 Honda Civic with the heat blasting.
That and a driver who is hard-pitching a low-risk investment in his 3D printing company, are everything needed to consider the prospect of quietly passing away in the stained cloth seats without having made the slightest impact on the world.
The hangover swells to maximum strength as the driver asks about voting preferences right before admitting that a wall between the United States and Mexico may not be the worst thing in the world. Completely oblivious to the jaundiced insect, squirming helplessly for a position that will make it all go away. Its face suggests retching its misguided hopes and dreams with bile and gin, yet it suffers through one word replies, unable to seem impolite. But this hangover is beyond a simple vomit.
Night terrors. Unnatural tingling. A distinct faintness sets in and it becomes uncertain whether or not vital organs will remain intact or disintegrate into the floor with the uncanny amount of white dog hair. The 10 IPA’s drank last night may as well have been neglected Jacuzzi water out of a used condom. A steady sweat sits in and the gum being chewed transforms into vodka soaked aluminum foil.
Only 5-minutes have passed in a 20-minute ride and there’s no certainty of another solid bowel movement for the remainder of the year.
Cambridge, Massachusetts-Over the last few months several fantastical stories have surfaced about Ivy League schools accepting students who wrote admission essays on Papa John’s, Taco Bell and one that even came in the form of a rap song. In the latest clickbait attempt to justify how quirky millennials can be while also filling social feeds with content comparable to flavorless, reheated, 60/40 ground chuck, we examine Grayson Horton-Miller who got into Harvard with a 700,000 word ode to the popular streaming site, PornHub.
“We get thousands of essays every year, but young Grayson’s essay was something to be cherished…a true work of art! A composer in a symphony of bleached assholes!” said Dean of Admission, Phillip Biggins. “The 20,000 word section on POV was superb! Not to mention the 50,000 lines of poetry on gonzo! His theories involving the origin of human evolution being sparked by cuckholding are quite profound! A millenial visionary by every definition of the word!” continued Biggins, head spinning at the porn category algorithms Grayson could someday develop.
Though the essay contains no punctuation and though it appears Grayson has only a loose grasp on how to read and write, the sheer fervor in which the essay was written has gained him admission to Harvard with a full academic scholarship. Millenials do the darndest things!
And though Grayson appears to be struggling with a crippling pornography addiction that is consuming his every thought and rendering him incapable of experiencing actual human emotion, his parents couldn’t be any prouder of their snowflake.
Chicago, IL-The existence of a genuine friendship is most commonly rooted in years of significant life experiences, hilarity, hijinks and the unique happiness experienced in the presence of that friend. But one friendship has defied all odds and exists solely on the threat of at some point hanging out and complaining to each other via text about the infrequency of time spent together.
“We’re planned this SUPER fun girl’s night! We’re going to do a fancy dinner and then dancing all night and Instagraming the whole thing with its own unique hashtag!” said Nicole Cox already considering excuses for why they’d have to reschedule.
“I suggested the third week of June but she has improv that whole week, so she said she was free the second week of August, but I’m in Wisconsin Dells for a Dan Brown writing workshop that week, ultimately we landed on the third or fourth week of February 2025 #cantwait!” continued Cox shopping for the perfect little black dress that will never be worn.
The next 8 years will be spent meticulously crafting texts of excitement for the impending hang out and remorse that they both feel like they haven’t seen each other in forever. This will continue perpetually, reaching climax immediately before their scheduled rendezvous, in which one of them will inevitably cancel…much to the relief of the other. And the cycle will begin once again.
Chicago, IL-On Monday, a generally incompetent coworker who had blown several deadlines prior and grossly mismanaged an entire project, smoothed things over by asking the candidate of their eventual wrath how their weekend was. Before the first sip of coffee of the morning was taken, the awkward interaction that would undoubtedly ruin the entire month was set into motion with an empty cordiality.
The sense of dread was already palpable as the contour of the coworker sidled into sight, casually adjacent to the end of the cubicle wall, its presence always suggested an unreasonable need or demand.
Neither had ever hinted at an even remote interest in the happenings of each other’s respective weekends which rendered the question even more unsettling. Like most office relationships, they tolerated each other at best and loathed each other at worst. Nonetheless the inquiry was made in a feeble attempt to camouflage incompetence with politeness and pacify the situation.
“Hiya,” said the coworker sheepishly, arms crossed over the top of the cube wall. “How was the weekend?” The shrillness of the question infuriating anyone within earshot.
Before a response could be mustered, a barrage of unclear, irresolvable and time sensitive demands rained down with reckless abandon. Like a swarm body blows in a prized fight chopping down the reigning champ and reducing him to a mound of bloody, whimpering flesh.
Fortunately because the soul crushing tasks were delivered after a vacant nicety, the coworker can retreat to her desk void of any remorse. In fact, encouraged by the start of a blossoming relationship.
Chicago, IL-The intricate history of humanity’s evolution in cultureless office environments just became even more nuanced. With desirable physical manifestations like stained teeth, poor posture, aggressive beigeness, smooth lifeless hands and deteriorating vision already mainstays in the transformation to crippled desk troll, this new evolutionary attribute is a game changer that could complete the transition to docile office lackey.
In a double blind placebo study conducted across indistinguishable digital entities in Chicago, it was found that most employees could completely evacuate themselves in less than 25 seconds. Comparatively time on spent on the crapper at home breached 10 minutes with regularity.
The difference of 9 minutes and 35 seconds is attributed to the paranoia that the other indifferent employees in the office would become aware of the prolonged absence and thus privy to the ruthless war being waged atop a nest of cheap toilet paper in stall three of an office bathroom. Assuming that all coworkers are constantly seeking an opportunity to envision someone they work with struggling on the can.
The fear of judgement for a bodily function, from a group of people that are forced to tolerate each other on a daily basis, has caused productivity to skyrocket across the city as the era of a leisurely pooping while doing 200 pages of Moby Dick is facing certain extinction.
A couple eager to decorate their apartment with some homemade art were sorely disappointed after discovering the two paintings from their Wine & Paint class were not only identical, but also complete abominations. “I guess in hindsight we should have anticipated them being identical, but there was no way to foresee the gross over-estimation in our creative ability.” Said 29 year-old Robert Mansfield staring glumly at the atrocity in front of him. His wife’s was equally disgraceful, an embarrassing mess of excessive acrylics.
The night before they had deemed them their life’s work.
“We honestly thought they were pretty good…who wouldn’t want a painting of a ship and a full moon with the saying Swim to your Dreams under it…it seemed incredibly original to us, something to really make our apartment stand out.” Continued Mansfield with his head planted firmly in his hands. Him and his wife oblivious to the fact that there have been several hundred other versions of this painting made from the class in varying degrees of crappiness.
It took several weeks but the honeymoon phase with the paintings they had convinced themselves were somehow good finally ended one fateful Wednesday night. Rob described walking by the two paintings and having a moment of clarity that snapped him from his previous delusional state. “They’re really bad, I was drunk off red wine again for the first time since that night and finally noticed the ugliness; my stomach hurts looking at them.” Said Mansfield crudely jamming the paintings into the dumpster.
Not everyone snaps out of the delusion like Rob, hundreds of basic paintings hang around houses as we speak, so be weird and for the love of God don’t do wine and paint.