Week 4: I will raise your fantasy season up on eagle’s wings
Week 3 was by all standards of the word a war of attrition in most leagues. Whose team could perform less poorly than the other. Eagerly grinding your teeth for those unsatisfying slivers of points to slowly and miserly trickle through. As games begin to slip away so does the cheery mood of Sunday afternoon. Anything is now a severe irritation. The T.V. gets turned off in an attempt to curtail the growing fury, but one glance at Gamecast and it’s nearly vomit inducing. I generally commit to fantasy retirement at the very least a healthy two times on a Sunday, but like any addiction, the next Sunday will be identical.
Start Em Week 4:
Quarterbacks
Colin Kaepernick (vs. Rams): I by rule try and avoid the Thursday night games at all costs, in general their gorgeously unwatchable disasters. I’m all in on Colin “Squidward” Kaepernick this week though. That Horse team was playing out of their minds last week and I think Vernon Davis also comes back which should be an enormous help for local Bikini Bottom resident.
Ben Roethlisberger (vs. Vikings): I literally despise #therapist but if you’re snooping around for a bye week fill in for Rodgers or Killa’ Cam or floundering Eli for that matter look no further than this monstrosity and disgrace to all humanity. Vikings D got absolutely torched by local jobber Bryan Hoyer plus it looks like Lave on Bell is officially back this week which will open things up in the passing game. Give this cowardly brute raper the green light.
Alex Smith (vs. Giants): Another sneaky bye week fill in, the one and only water pistol arm, Mr. Check Downs will actually have a solid game here. The Giants are a complete mess, as the crotchety old man Coughlin slips slower into senility. Cam Newton completely lit them up and I expect Jamaal to be catching quite a few out of the backfield and getting some solid YAC respectively.
Gucci Mane Catatonic Sleeper: Terrell Pryor, if he plays he could be worth a look, as the Washington Redskins looked to have already hung up their cleats for the season.
Running Backs
Bernard Pierce and or Ray Rice (vs. Bills): Whichever running back starts in this thing you’re playing them. I’m a little more skeptical if banged up Ray Rice tries to give it a go, but we’ll know more about the injury later this week. You can only really say one thing about this Bills D…Bilal Powell rushed for 147 yards…
Frank Gore (vs. Rams): Again Samuel L. Jackson’s character from Unbreakable aka Demarco Murray carved through this Rams defense, glass bones and all. His delicate frame dance and twirled seamlessly through incompetent Ram’s defenders. I expect Gore to do the same, there’s also been talks of 49ers going back to a strictly read-option offense which would be an enormous benefit for the ageless boy wonder.
Maurice Jones-Drew (vs. Colts): Mojo despises Horse. I think this is a trap game for Horse, and that pesky Jacksonville squad gets it done in front of their saddened and grieving home crowd. Colts Run D looked vulnerable last week against San Fran too. Mojo is about to go Luca Brasi on Horse.
Gucci Mane Catatonic Sleeper: Ryan Matthews, due for a big one…and by big one I mean a 10-12 point game.
Wide Receivers:
Torrey Smith (vs. Bills): Literally completely plain average Joe’s only receiver. Huge targets in previous weeks, he’s 100% confirmed getting in the end zone this weekend.
Antonio Brown (vs. Vikings): See #therapist, seems like after that massive temper tantrum Todd Haley is too scared to not give him the ball. Also some of those catches he made last week against the Bears actually warranted those infuriating first down dances he does.
Brian Hartline (vs. New Orleans): Never thought this tiny little gym rat scrub would find his way onto this list. With Wallace drawing the attention of top cornerbacks and stretching the field out it’s allowed this lil spritely fellow to cruise silently on underneath routes. He’s also scored in two of three games this season.
Gucci Mane Catatonic Sleeper: Ryan Broyles, Nate Burleson just snapped his arm in half in what was allegedly a sober driving accident. Those targets have to go somewhere.
Tight Ends
Jordan Cameron (vs. Bengals): One does not simply sit…the greatest tight end to ever play the game.
Owen Daniels (vs. Seattle): Been getting serious targets in the red zone, noodle armed Schaubie Daubie can’t throw more than 20 yards down field so OD is going to rake in, in a game where Texans won’t be able to run on Seattle’s front 7.
Kyle Rudolph (vs. Steelers): Complete gut call but I think feast or famine himself gets into the endzone this weekend, likely won’t reward you with any corresponding yards per usual but I’m envisioning a broken play where Ponder shot-puts him the ball.
Gucci Mane Catatonic Sleeper: Kellen Winslow, Geno has been airing it out lately, and he did have a monster week one. Think there’s still some potential here.
Defenses:
Kansas City (vs. Giants): The sleeping Giants are just a putrid ball club. Frankly it looks like they’d be better if Tommy Boy Reese took the helms to that offense. Eli is the new Tommy Turnover and Andy Reid has revitalized this Chiefs team with the leftover Cheeto dust on his mustache.
Indianapolis (vs. Jaguars): Mojo is going to run all over them, but it looks like they’ve confirmed Gabbert is getting the nod here. This is our generations John Kitna an immovable force that can sometimes make mediocre throws. Sit back and watch him get feasted on.
New York (vs. Titans): This has been one of the biggest surprises of the year. You can imagine the drunk Red Ryan crawling into his favorite bottle of Cherry Mash and furiously stubbing out cigarettes making a game plan for this game. I think there’s no way Locker does what he did last week here.
Gucci Mane Catatonic Sleeper: Baltimore, the Texans might be worse than we thought they were but Baltimore’s D was still ball hawking and creating turnovers. I think they have a solid game against a QB that generally hucks a couple picks.
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