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DJ Tiësto produces drunk driving anthem of the year

Very few songs are considered champions for drunk driving, crunk wheeling, butt-faced cruising, hopping behind the wheel after exceeding the mid-way point on a 30-rack of Icehouse. Good ole Joe 30-rack. Staunch supporters are a rarity. Ardent advocates come few and far. Rightfully so, it’s perhaps the scummiest dirt-bag move in the existence of partying.  Dropping a 40 on your big toe while hitting on a girl that already wants nothing to do with you, experiencing a nip slip while dancing to “Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy” at a western themed bar in a strip mall, and hurling that can of barbeque Pringles you pounded into a urinal at John Barleycorn all far surpass drunk driving in terms of social acceptability. Though not according Tiësto’s epic drunk driving anthem “Red Lights” , which holds a reverence, and adoration for the past time. An age old love affair. An ode to seeing double.

The song apparently draws inspiration from those glorious nights of tip-toeing out of party, in which everyone has told you not to drive. Before anyone else realizes it,you’re planted firmly behind the wheel of what is presumably a white Dodge Charger with a supper aggressive racing stripe and a spoiler that would have Vin Diesel pissing himself. Busting absolute ass, like a drunk driving demon god, with the headlights off, through as many stoplights as possible. If it’s green you’re stopping and waiting for it to turn red then peeling out. All in an attempt to crush as many XL Steak Tacos as humanely possible, no matter the cost. Sipping Miller Fortunes, furiously chain smoking cigarettes, and crushing disco naps all the while. “Blacked out, everything’s faded. On your love, I’m already wasted. So close, that I can taste it now, now” wails the song, prompting this next beauty of a line “Nobody else needs to know, where we might go, we could just run them red lights, and we could just run them red lights”, Nothing compares to a good discreet blackout, followed by a game of chicken with a brick mailbox.

“When the beat drops, imagine yourself letting go of the wheel, closing your eyes, throwing your hands to the sky, forgetting about the existence of the brake pedal. Just going where the car wants. Or driving with the window rolled down, the cold autumn breeze in your face, projectile vomiting at oncoming traffic. Or imagine tears streaming down your face lighting the wrong end of a cigarette”, said Tiësto longingly as he pondered the existence of his new anthem.

In all seriousness, drunk driving is absolutely asinine and completely inexcusable, even while listening to this song.