NFL 2017 Week 1 Love/Hate Haikus

QB Love

Ben Roethlisberger at Cleveland
Jean cargos, skechers
Saturday’s are made for Kohl’s
Sundays for winning

Russell Wilson at Green Bay
An all knowing god
Unmoved by the plight of man
Only lives Sundays

QB Hate

Eli Manning at Dallas
Damn good employee
At Papa John’s in Rockford
Middle management

Tyrod Taylor vs. New York
Crushing solitude
Can devour any hope
Decay any light

RB Love

Todd Gurley vs. Indianapolis
Welcome to Indy
Beacon of obesity
A cultureless void

Jordan Howard vs. Atlanta
A dimly lit star
Wading through oceans of plain
To a dismal pit

RB Hate

Jay Ajayi vs. Tampa Bay
Pregame with Pitbull
Grape bombs at a Senor Frogs
Hangover, dale

Mike Gillislee vs. Kansas City
Horseshoe casino
Roulette wheel cruelly spins
Revealing losers

WR Love

Devante Parker vs. Tampa Bay
Carton of Camels
For a chain smoking diva
Light up, breathe deep, fly

Alshon Jeffery at Washington
I will raise you up
On Eagles wings, through the sky
The lamb of cheese steaks

WR Hate

T.Y. Hilton vs. Los Angeles
Lady luck has died
Scott Tolzien is everything
Abandon your dreams

Doug Baldwin at Green Bay
Bio Dome returns
Starring a brand new Baldwin
Rip van Tinklefest

TE Love

Jimmy Graham at Green Bay
An aging beast crawls
Toward glory one final time
Before vanishing

Hunter Henry at Denver
Bah Gawd! Who’s music?
That’s Double H! With a chair!
The humanity!

TE Hate

Eric Ebron vs. Arizona
Owned by everyone
Once a season and then cut
Then signed, then released

Kyle Rudolph vs. New Orleans
Hobbits cannot see
Reindeer, no he cherishes
Insipid handoffs

Defense Love

Los Angeles vs. Indianapolis
The glue factory
Where horses turn to Elmer’s
Huffed by famous folks

Defense Hate

Minnesota vs. New Orleans
The Viking sex cruise
Docked at She She’s, New Orleans
Unable to move

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Week 1 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus

Quarterback:
Love
Andy Dalton vs. Oakland
Short red hair, don’t care
A horned frog turned red rocket
Pale skin shines in light

dalton

Sam Bradford vs. Atlanta
Return of Frodo
Kelly starring as Samwise
Serves Mister Frodo

frodo

Carson Palmer vs. New Orleans
Slower than the plot
Of Boyhood in slow motion
An arm not a leg

palmer

Hate:
Russel Wilson vs. St. Louis
Receiver graveyard
Playmaker cemetery
St. Louis corpse feast

Drew Brees vs. Arizona
End of an era
Sawdust blowing on Bourbon
A stale, flat Grenade

gera

Kirk Cousins vs. Miami
A banana peel
booby traps galore, from Bob
He will play again

Running Back:
Love:
Doug Martin vs. Tennessee
Salt lick and water
Muscle hamster is recharged
No more dirty cage

test

Lamar Miller vs. Washington
A flute with no holes
not a flute, a defense with
holes not a defense

Chris Ivory vs. Cleveland
A sprinting mailbox
Running into a pillow
Feathers will explode

mailbox

Hate:
Frank Gore vs. Buffalo
Old knees running in
Tall trees,  enormous buildings
Immovable force

Melvin Gordon vs. Detroit
Uncertain rookie
With Woodhead looming, waiting
To capture the throne

joffrey

Alfred Morris vs. Miami
A team that can’t throw
Often cannot run, which is
Fantasy Football

Wide Receiver
Love:
Devin Funchess vs. Jacksonville
A type of mushroom
Flourishes in Jacksonville
Invasive species

mushrooms

Brandon Marshall vs. Cleveland
Geno’s broken jaw
A true blessing in disguise
The beard shall find you

Steve Smith Sr. vs. Denver
A shootout awaits
He’ll be your huckleberry
Who else is there?

smith

Hate:
Jeremy Maclin vs. Houston
Rare breed of QB
Receivers invisible
Unnoticed, quiet, sad

Pierre Garcon vs. Miami
Wearing oven mits
Hands of the finest cinder
Rock type Pokémon

pokeball

DeAndre Hopkins vs. Kansas City
A man not prepared
To be the one, the savior
of a dying offense

Tight End:
Love:
Austin Seferian Jenkins vs. Tennessee
The safety blanket
To a QB that needs one
Jameis is Linus

Hate:
Jason Witten vs. New York
Decline of Witten
Sadly begins in Dallas
Grumpy Old Men Three

 

Week 5 Love/Hate Haikus

Quarterback

Love

Ben Roethlisberger
Douchebag in cargos
Great quarterback, bad human
How does one still play?

roths

Ryan Fitzpatrick
Professor Hagrid
Or Guy on a Buffalo
Or Duck Dynasty

fitz-collage

Hate

Tom Brady
Golden Boy, Chris Gaines
First emo football player
Hashtag this is Ugg

gainesss

Colin Kaepernick
Cannot hear the plays
Through his head consuming beats
Or see past his hat

kapernick

Running Backs

Love

Eddie Lacy
A transformation
Majin Buu to Super Buu
Viking absorption

majiiin

Ben Tate
Eternally hurt
Calamity Coyote
Catches road runner

tate

Hate

Frank Gore
Father time awaits
Drawing near to the ageless
Old man strength fading

images

Steven Ridley
Batman Forever
Worst than Jim Carrey’s Riddler
And Clooney’s bat suit

riddler

Wide Receiver

Love

Larry Fitzgerald
Comes back from the dead
Cat from Pet Semetary
Revenge of Winston

fitz-cemetary

Calvin Johnson
Megatron revenge
Shia Labeouf cornerbacks
The AllSpark is found

lebuff

Hate

Demaryious Thomas
More overrated
Than film, Little Miss Sunshine
Maybe Avatar

avatar

Marques Colston
A feast or famine
That’s exclusively famine
No feast to be had

thanksgiving

Tight End

Love

Travis Kelce
In Andy Reid’s Sights
Like a twinkie or snowball
Don’t stop feeding him

kelce

Hate

Larry Donnell
Lightning doesn’t strike
In the same place twice, a rare
Unicorn sighting

donnell

Defense

Love

Saint Louis
Is it possible
The Eagles are not that good?
Expect sacks galore

Bighorn-Ram-Animal

Hate

Detroit
Fear neck beard power
It will consume everyone
Lasers to Saturn

ortsi

Week 2 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus

Quarterback Love

Nick Foles
Go Away! Batin’!
Loves money and sex with chicks
Costco time machine

batin

 

Jake Locker
The Dallas Defense
Is worse than Space Jam’s Tune Squad
Tune Squad sans M.J.

halftime

 

Quarterback Hate

Peyton Manning
Hamburger Pizza
A lingering pregame snack
White pants become brown

peyton-za

Robert Griffin III
Nothing in the tank
Has-been playing county fairs
Just like Sugar Ray

rg3

 

Running Backs Love

Chris Johnson
Gold grills are too trill
Has Lenny Kravitz dreadlocks
C.J. fly away

Lenny_Kravitz_Fields_of_Joy_cover

Marshawn Lynch
Marshawn Skittles cloud
Forecast: torrential downpour
Candy bludgeoning

skittlescloud

Running Backs Hate

Steven Jackson
Can barely stand up
Watch him faint behind the line
Back of calf face plants

Steven+Jackson+St+Louis+Rams+v+San+Francisco+GxcTzGX0y4Sl

 

Doug Martin
The muscle hamster
Only enjoys burrowing
Not running wild, free

dougy

 

Wide Receiver Love

Victor Cruz
Enjoys Pace salsa
Instead of red Gatorade
More electrolytes

pace

Vincent Jackson
It is most quiet
Before the storm, and most dark
Before any light

vjax

Wide Receiver Hate

Percy Harvin
Is more volatile
Than an expired McRib
A blowout coming

percyharvin

 

Dwayne Bowe
Suspended or not
Toil in irrelevance
Bong loads make stone hands

biodome

 

Tight End Love

Rob Gronkowski
The bionic man
Or bicentennial man
The Iron Giant

xwxsasa

Tight End Hate

Jordan Cameron
A dumpster fire
Nothing is salvageable
Abandon all Browns

flaming

Defense Love

Tampa Bay
The St. Louis Rams
Louisiana Mud Dogs
Sans the Water Boy

9-waterboy

Defense Hate

San Francisco
Lunch Lady Romo
Will not be serving hot picks
This is not Dallas

tumblr_mqj4o6Zpmz1qfywy0o1_r2_400

Fantasy Football Week 1 Love/Hate Haiku

Quarterback Love

Jay Cutler
Menthols are packed
Yellowed fingers throw touchdowns
The Bills, his ashtray

tumblr_maczzgtsmq1rge9rdo1_500

Matthew Stafford
Buckets of Bud Light
Ninety-proof touchdowns
Destroy all of the shotskis

senorfrogs

Quarterback Hate

Tony Romo
Tragedy begins
Romo, star-crossed lover
Cursed from the start

romoeo

Philip Rivers
The Bolo necktie
Can only save so many
Rivers is not one

phillip-rivers

Running Backs Love

Toby Gerhart
Slow burning candle
A plodding gym rat shall rise
You can’t teach volume

sloth

Ben Tate
No more Arian
Browns passing incompetence
Will pay dividends

ScreenShot2013-10-23at1.12.30PM_original_crop_north

Running Backs Hate

Maurice Jones Drew
Pocket Hercules
An ancient Polly Pocket
But more frustrating

url

Arian Foster
He has bird like bones
His hamstring is wet cardboard
Everything will break

unbreakable

Wide Receiver Love

Wes Welker (if he plays)
Is the Great Gazoo
Wes Welker bobblehead day
Happens everday

welker

Miles Austin
The quads of a god
According to Collinsworth
Could crush a diamond

Minecraft-diamond-pic

Wide Receiver Hate

Danny Amendola
Glass menagerie
The NFL’s Bubble Boy
Except less funny

amendola

Eric Decker
High, low, at the toes
Hook, shank, has already sank
Geno not Peyton

decker

Tight End Love

Martellus Bennett
Nuclear Mickey
Will become Super Saiyan
And rule galaxies

martellus

Tight End Hate

Antonio Gates
Is now elderly
Crossword puzzles and Werther’s
Friday night bingo

werthers

Defense Love

Chicago
Bear necessities
Stealing all picnic baskets
Eat all the honey

bear

Defense Hate

Detroit
Never trust Detroit
Except Kid Rock halftime shows
and frat boy Stafford

kid_rock_54440

Super Bowl XLVIII in brief

Super Bowl XLVIII came and went, and will be forgotten faster than I, Frankenstein. A tepid, relentlessly uninspiring effort on all accounts. The severity of my stomach ache and heartburn was even unnaturally mild. Any potential water cooler talk will be relegated to how mousy Zoey Deschanel looked. It’s tedious productions like this that make the following Monday exponentially more insufferable. It makes the stench of the barnyard that is the office bathroom that much more detestable. For anyone who either fell asleep or was fortunate enough to be blacked out before the game started, here’s a brief rundown of what happened:

1.) Peyton was effectively the longest commercial in Super Bowl history, spanning for 4 entire quarters and fearlessly promoting products like the Hurrycane, Werther’s hard candy,  Super Beta Blocker Plus, and AARP.

2.) Purchasing a car is ALWAYS an impulse buy and 99% of America doesn’t own one yet. After I found out that Bob Dylan, Bruce Willis, Cee-Lo, the dude from the Big Bang Theory and a butt ton of villains that people sort of recognized all owned cars, and wanted me to own one, it was on. I was feverishly combing the internet trying to make the buy before the game was over. Like a pack of Zebra Chew bubble gum during checkout at the grocery store. A sure fire way to inspire sales is showing footage of a car maneuvering cones on a closed course.

3.) Jack Bauer is a damn fine American.

4.) The Chevy commercial that implied a bunch of cows were going to furiously bang at some point was unsettling and gave me the first stomach ache of the evening. Causing me and likely everyone watching to momentarily stop gorging on assorted teezers and tizers.

5.) Something about Ellen is pure evil. She seems like some kind of a monster. One that has fooled everyone into thinking otherwise by doing clumsy, lumbering dance moves and throwing on a massive smile behind gaunt jaundiced eyes. I wonder how many people cried while rehearsing for that Oscars commercial, how many cups of coffee thrown, how many shins kicked. I can guarantee Ellen has never danced off camera in her life. She spends that time stealing pacifiers, crop dusting, and dropping gum bombs.

6.)  The Jimmy John’s commercial where the wife got her husband a Slim 1 for Valentines Day was immensely and deeply depressing. Only to be outdone by the dreaded Life According to Jim Season 3 on blu ray gift.

Why we were all rooting for Kyle Orton

There was something in each and every person watching Sunday Night Football. It varied in strength, appearance and conviction but its existence was undeniable. We all wanted Kyle Orton to win that game. There were certain agendas at play, maybe you were a Cowboys fan and wanted to finally make it to the promise land or you wanted the Shakespearian tragedy that is Tony Romo’s career to mercifully end. For the rest of us, it was because being an NFL quarterback never looked so attainable.

It is likely Orton wore elastic ankle sweats underneath his football pants. An over-embroidered Purdue crew neck sweatshirt under his jersey. His hair still shining from the free product they put in it at Super Cuts days earlier, the dandruff blending in nicely with the white home uniform. His neck beard poorly groomed at best. Belly filled to the brim with Golden Corral. There seemed a steady buzz in his motions, the twelve pack of Coors Original that was drank before the game gave him certain fluidity, unbridled confidence. He made me think “I’ve definitely drank twelve pilsners and thrown a vortex before..playing in the NFL can’t be that much different.”

He looked like a Turkey Bowl legend. The type of guy that would break fingers with lasers to Saturn during the Thanksgiving Day football game, in which there were more blown hammies than touchdowns.

I couldn’t put my finger on it while it was happening, but during the game, closely examining a mediocre looking middle aged man, I kept thinking that maybe…just maybe I still have a shot to make it in the bigs.

ortonboys

Love/Hate Haikus Week 9

Week 9 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus
There is nothing in this world that causes more gut rot and heartache than when your opponent’s quarterback throws a touchdown to a receiver owned by that same despicable lout. There’s always a brief moment of denial, as you sheepishly slink into your Yahoo account, thinking that maybe you remembered things differently. What you see is as eye stinging as that stench awakened when you slip on that inconsiderately left dog log lounging in a grass hammock.  Just when you thought the indignation had reached its climax, you get a text with something like “hollllyyyyyy” or “Wow, officially transcended football” Your head and ring piece simultaneously erupt and you call it a Sunday.

Quarterbacks Love
Jake Locker
Broken hips galore
Delicate bones increase speed
Grandpa has an arm

Terrel Pryor
Ohio State Grad.
Will get a car if he wins
Just like in college

Aaron Rodgers
Always hung-over
Extra on the Walking-Dead
Zombies can play too

Zombie

Quarterbacks Hate:
Joe Flacco
Loves the Mighty Wing
Pregame case of bubble guts
The runs cause bad play

Tom Brady
Looks good but plays bad
Like movies with Taylor Kitsch
Do not act again

Brady

Michael Vick
Hamstrings are sawdust
Or a spaghetti noodle
A soaked french-fry 

Running Backs Love
Danny Woodhead
A tiny white sprite
Is going through puberty
Will become a man

Chris Ivory
Thermal imaging
An elite hunter will rise
All aliens die

Predator

Darren Sproles
Pygmy Running back
Galloping across the field
A majestic thing

Running Backs Hate
Deangelo Williams
One cannot score points
Without first getting the ball
Start no one but Cam

Benjarvus Green-Ellis
A sketchy law firm
Worse than that of Saul Goodman
Public Defender

Trent Richardson
If you need one yard
I’ll get you one, you need two?
I’ll still get you one

Wide Receivers Love
T.Y. Hilton
A teammate goes down
Another has stones for hands
It is now his turn

StonHands

Denarious Moore
An awful defense
Combined with mild talent
Touchdowns will be had

Wide Receivers Hate
Torrey Smith
One does not simply
Score points against Joe Haden
Worse than Sauron’s eye

Danny Amendola
Plays like Greg Oden
Which means doesn’t play at all
A man made of glass

Defense Love
Tennessee
Is Kellen Clemens
An actual real person?
Pick sixes abound

Clemens

Defense Hate
Carolina
Matty Ice can throw
Falcons will always frighten
Roddy could be back

Week 4 Fantasy Football

Week 4: I will raise your fantasy season up on eagle’s wings

Week 3 was by all standards of the word a war of attrition in most leagues. Whose team could perform less poorly than the other. Eagerly grinding your teeth for those unsatisfying  slivers of points to slowly and miserly trickle through. As games begin to slip away so does the cheery mood of Sunday afternoon. Anything is now a severe irritation. The T.V. gets turned off in an attempt to curtail the growing fury, but one glance at Gamecast and it’s nearly vomit inducing. I generally  commit to fantasy retirement at the very least a healthy two times on a Sunday, but like any addiction, the next Sunday will be identical.

Start Em Week 4:
Quarterbacks
Colin Kaepernick (vs. Rams):
I by rule try and avoid the Thursday night games at all costs, in general their gorgeously unwatchable disasters. I’m all in on Colin “Squidward” Kaepernick this week though. That Horse team was playing out of their minds last week and I think Vernon Davis also comes back which should be an enormous help for local Bikini Bottom resident.

Ben Roethlisberger (vs. Vikings): I literally despise #therapist but if you’re snooping around for a bye week fill in for Rodgers or Killa’ Cam or floundering Eli for that matter look no further than this monstrosity and disgrace to all humanity. Vikings D got absolutely torched by local jobber Bryan Hoyer plus it looks like Lave on Bell is officially back this week which will open things up in the passing game. Give this cowardly brute raper the green light.

Alex Smith (vs. Giants): Another sneaky bye week fill in, the one and only water pistol arm, Mr. Check Downs will actually have a solid game here. The Giants are a complete mess, as the crotchety old man Coughlin slips slower into senility. Cam Newton completely lit them up and I expect Jamaal to be catching quite a few out of the backfield and getting some solid YAC respectively.

Gucci Mane Catatonic Sleeper: Terrell Pryor, if he plays he could be worth a look, as the Washington Redskins looked to have already hung up their cleats for the season.

Running Backs
Bernard Pierce and or Ray Rice (vs. Bills): Whichever running back starts in this thing you’re playing them. I’m a little more skeptical if banged up Ray Rice tries to give it a go, but we’ll know more about the injury later this week. You can only really say one thing about this Bills D…Bilal Powell rushed for 147 yards…

Frank Gore (vs. Rams): Again Samuel L. Jackson’s character from Unbreakable aka Demarco Murray carved through this Rams defense, glass bones and all. His delicate frame dance and twirled seamlessly through incompetent Ram’s defenders. I expect Gore to do the same, there’s also been talks of 49ers going back to a strictly read-option offense which would be an enormous benefit for the ageless boy wonder.

Maurice Jones-Drew (vs. Colts): Mojo despises Horse. I think this is a trap game for Horse, and that pesky Jacksonville squad gets it done in front of their saddened and grieving home crowd. Colts Run D looked vulnerable last week against San Fran too. Mojo is about to go Luca Brasi on Horse.

Gucci Mane Catatonic Sleeper: Ryan Matthews, due for a big one…and by big one I mean a 10-12 point game. 

Wide Receivers:
Torrey Smith (vs. Bills):
Literally completely plain average Joe’s only receiver. Huge targets in previous weeks, he’s 100% confirmed getting in the end zone this weekend.

Antonio Brown (vs. Vikings): See #therapist, seems like after that massive temper tantrum Todd Haley is too scared to not give him the ball. Also some of those catches he made last week against the Bears actually warranted those infuriating first down dances he does.

Brian Hartline (vs. New Orleans): Never thought this tiny little gym rat scrub would find his way onto this list. With Wallace drawing the attention of top cornerbacks and stretching the field out it’s allowed this lil spritely fellow to cruise silently on underneath routes. He’s also scored in two of three games this season.

Gucci Mane Catatonic Sleeper: Ryan Broyles, Nate Burleson just snapped his arm in half in what was allegedly a sober driving accident. Those targets have to go somewhere.

Tight Ends

Jordan Cameron (vs. Bengals): One does not simply sit…the greatest tight end to ever play the game.

Owen Daniels (vs. Seattle): Been getting serious targets in the red zone, noodle armed Schaubie Daubie can’t throw more than 20 yards down field so OD is going to rake in, in a game where Texans won’t be able to run on Seattle’s front 7.

Kyle Rudolph (vs. Steelers): Complete gut call but I think feast or famine himself gets into the endzone this weekend, likely won’t reward you with any corresponding yards per usual but I’m envisioning a broken play where Ponder shot-puts him the ball.

Gucci Mane Catatonic Sleeper: Kellen Winslow, Geno has been airing it out lately, and he did have a monster week one. Think there’s still some potential here.

Defenses:
Kansas City (vs. Giants):
The sleeping Giants are just a putrid ball club. Frankly it looks like they’d be better if Tommy Boy Reese took the helms to that offense. Eli is the new Tommy Turnover and Andy Reid has revitalized  this Chiefs team with the leftover Cheeto dust on his mustache.

Indianapolis (vs. Jaguars): Mojo is going to run all over them, but it looks like they’ve confirmed Gabbert is getting the nod here. This is our generations John Kitna an immovable force that can sometimes make mediocre throws. Sit back and watch him get feasted on.

New York (vs. Titans): This has been one of the biggest surprises of the year. You can imagine the drunk Red Ryan crawling into his favorite bottle of Cherry Mash and furiously stubbing out cigarettes making a game plan for this game. I think there’s no way Locker does what he did last week here.

Gucci Mane Catatonic Sleeper: Baltimore, the Texans might be worse than we thought they were but Baltimore’s D was still ball hawking and creating turnovers. I think they have a solid game against a QB that generally hucks a couple picks.

Tweet me @toadswiback