One Tie All Tie

Fantasy Week 6: Haiku

Fantasy Haiku Week 6

The eagerness to consume fantasy advice is unmatched. The insecurity and relentless quest for approval on choices from both fantasy “experts” and peers alike is a throwback to those junior high goon days. Even pipe legged JNCO’s were somehow ill fitting. And your best jokes were ripped off from Austin Powers “The Spy Who Shagged Me.” To oblige your request for reassurance as efficiently as possible I’ve written a Love/Hate in the traditional Japanese Haiku styling. (5 syllables 7 syllables 5 syllables). Enjoy and don’t fret that you once attempted to dress more like Carson Daily to look cool. (pinky painted black)

Love Quarterbacks
Jay Cutler-

No neck beard for Jay
Worst defense in the league
Lasers to Saturn

Tom Brady-
Ugg boots increase speed
Axe gel aerodynamic
He will win or weep

Andy Dalton-
Red Rocket blasts off
Better red than Ron Weasley
Last ranked pass defense

Hate Quarterbacks
Ben Roethlisberger-
Has had his last rape
Rex will eat you with scampi
Next Jigsaw Target

Sam Bradford-
Life as a Hobbit
Isn’t fun outside the shire
Watt will be Sauron

Carson Palmer-
A rusted statue
That only has one function
To become rubble

Love Running Backs

Arian Foster-

Off to a slow start
Why is his name Arian?
Rams D is Swiss Cheese

Marcel Reece-
Running in quicksand
Bowling ball on two tooth picks
Volume beats talent

Matt Forte-
Is in a Drake song
Deangelo ran on them
A team with no heart

Hate Running Backs
Steven Ridley
Bones bound with cobwebs
Droppable in all formats
Fantasy black hole

Rashard Mendenhall
Almost bed ridden
Slower than Bowser driving
Dial-up connect


Maurice Jones-Drew
The book of Peyton
One man can’t win a whole game
Game called at halftime

Love: Wide Receivers
Any Denver WR-
Peyton is ruthless
His only joy is touchdowns
He is a pervert

Terrance Williams-
A Cowboys must win
Out of the ash Romo rose
Romo is Hamlet

T.Y. Hilton-
Transcended Football
The Passing of the Horse torch
A new star has come

Hate: Wide Receivers
Dwayne Bowe-
Is unsubstantial
Starred as Casper in Casper
Ghosts cannot catch balls


Ryan Broyles-
An average player
Should be sponsored by B.K.
Flame Broyled Burgers

James Jones-
This is a gut call
Jones…fantasy wack-a-mole
Don’t pick the wrong week

Love: Defenses
Jags are really bad
Worse than Tyler Perry flicks
Madea should coach

Never trust Weeden
Must always trust Kid Rock’s team
Suh dislikes Cleveland

Hate: Defenses
Kansas City-
Due for a down game
Reid’s Cheetos stash running low
Chiefs can’t win without


Discount Double Check
A shootout in the making
No more Ray Weeping