Fantasy Love/Hate Week 7
Never has the full spectrum of human emotion been so visible. Happiness, nervousness, love, malice, remorse, loss, jubilation, fear and indigestion are all apparent while gluing your looking balls to the Red Zone channel for 10-12 hours on Sunday. That cloudiness surrounding your vision after the Sunday night game is either fantasy induced tears or your retinas detaching. You’ll likely be able to buy eyeballs in the future like Tom Cruise did in Minority Report, so let your eyes feast on this hearty helping of Fantasy Love/Hate populating the faint glow of your computer screen..
Jay Cutler-The poutiest, perpetually bed headed cry baby will throw as many TDs as he does temper tantrums. That’s not Gatorade in that cup; it’s a delicate mixture of formula and mashed peas. Baby Jay is going to be hucking that ball like his favorite whistler Vortex all over Washington’s feeble defense.
Cam Newton-Superman Returned last week and the game was frankly slightly more entertaining than the immense snoozer 2006 Superman Returns. Audience’s everywhere were forced to endure Spacey’s lumpy bald head for a few hours before Superman punted his weird kryptonite real estate Ponzie scheme out of orbit. Make no mistake about it that Rams defense is a lot easier to move than real estate on that kryptonite island.
Andrew Luck-Seems like someone who would smell like bouillon cube and is perpetually sweaty. None the less that Chargers game was incredibly fluky. This thing is going to be Peyton and Luck trading blows like Rocky and Drago, at the end of the day Luck will likely say “If he dies he dies” right before tossing a game winning TD, in his weird voice that is somehow deeper than Dolph Lundgren’s.
Eli Manning-Behind those aloof vacant eyes is, well….an aloof vacant brain. How he won two Superbowls ranks up there with some of the more profound mysteries/miracles in life. How the pyramids were built. Child birth. If Heaven has a ghetto. If Leo wakes up from his dream at the end of Inception just to name a few. He may throw a couple touchdowns but the picks will be there, and that battering ram Jacobs is going to be vulturing any goaline work.
Robert Griffin III-Pop him on a flight to Germany with Kobe. I’m not putting him in this love column until he’s wearing Lederhosen and eating a handful of sauerkraut before the game. Something isn’t right with that knee, though he looked better last week, this Bears defense is going to eat him alive.
Colin Kaepernick-I trust ole Squidward about as much as he trusts that little smart-ass sponge. I’m convinced that Harbaugh is a closeted Hipster, and he’s running this boring offense to effectively decrease football watching and increase fixed gear bike riding, pickling and general nonchalance in the NFL community. His intensity is derived from how skinny his jeans are. Pretty soon we’ll see football jerseys will be packaged with a bowtie, a pack of American Spirits, and a PBR.
Love Running Backs
Brandon Jacobs-Also known as “The Slow Burn” is going to be working through this Minnesota defense like a Chipotle burrito through your insides. Slowly and deliberately. Crawling ever so slowly for that light at the end of the tunnel.
Ryan Matthews– Samuel L. Jacksons character Elijah Price in Unbreakable was actually inspired by Ryan Matthews. So were the bubble-boy episode in Seinfeld and the crappy screen play “The Glass Menagerie” that we were all forced to read in junior high. If his bones don’t turn into saw dust at some point in this game, I think he puts together a decent outing. Let’s just hope he’s been taking his calcium pills this week.
Deangelo Williams-Is it officially 2008 again? This is less about Williams and more about the ineptitude of the Rams defense. And the fact that Deangelo sounds like an ultra smooth R&B singer, with crooning talent comparable to Ruben Studdard. Almost 200 yards total yards for Arian last week, and it was a blowout.
Hate Running Backs
Zac Stacy-By rule, I don’t trust anyone with two first names. Even myself.
Ray Rice-Another offense that I completely despise. 0 consistency anywhere and Average Joe is too busy thinking about McDonalds Mighty Wings to start checking down to Ray. Also the O-Line is a sheet of loose leaf paper.
C.J. Spiller-The whole “we’re going to give him the ball till be barfs” thing didn’t really happen huh. Maybe it’s because of the sub-par O-line and absolute lack of skill players at virtually every other position. Also the human statue Matt Flynn could be starting for them this weekend?
Love: Wide Receivers
Erick Decker-One of the many receivers in the league often referred to as a “pesky little gym rat,” I think the stone handed drops subside this week. Also the Robot named Peyton showed about as much emotion/frustration as a Robot can after not performing at an optimal level for whoever engineered him. If you want to take a look at his statement it was transcribed as the below:
Alshon Jeffrey-Last week looked very similar to Shawn Bradley’s Monstar character. A complete and utter beast, Cutler missed him on two home run balls last weekend, that won’t happen again this week.
Keenan Allen- Ok, maybe I trust one person with two first names.
Hate: Wide Receivers
Roddy White-Not sure that he plays, but besides that he’s being held together by dirty ace bandages and can only play after bonging an entire bottle of icy-hot. Until I see a full practice he’s getting the bench.
Calvin Johnson-“The Scarecrow” No better and no more functional than one of those owls you hang in your garden to keep critters out, or a scarecrow that becomes a crow’s best friend. Plus that Cincy Pass D is the real deal.
Riley Cooper-Not buying the production last week in the least. Also anyone who is 1.) Likes Kenny Chesney and 2.) Is a confirmed racist, will almost always land on the hate list.
Miami-This is solely based on ole water pistol arm Matt Flynn getting the start. Not only does he chug Nyquil before every game, but there isn’t a soul to throw to…even if he actually does get the ball off. If you look at a replay of him, he doesn’t appear to be moving at all. Completely stationary.
Chicago-Ball hawks galore AND turnover prone Washington offense?
Denver-Peyton vs. Luck, Master vs. Student, Robot vs. Human…if Peyton loses Skynet will initiate.
New England-A complete hunch but I think Rextacy will have a trick or two up his sleeve for this one. Also Geno has been an on again off again QB, think he has an on week this week and effectively has the golden boy blowing his nose in a pair of Ugg boots by the end of this one.