NFL 2017 Week 1 Love/Hate Haikus

QB Love

Ben Roethlisberger at Cleveland
Jean cargos, skechers
Saturday’s are made for Kohl’s
Sundays for winning

Russell Wilson at Green Bay
An all knowing god
Unmoved by the plight of man
Only lives Sundays

QB Hate

Eli Manning at Dallas
Damn good employee
At Papa John’s in Rockford
Middle management

Tyrod Taylor vs. New York
Crushing solitude
Can devour any hope
Decay any light

RB Love

Todd Gurley vs. Indianapolis
Welcome to Indy
Beacon of obesity
A cultureless void

Jordan Howard vs. Atlanta
A dimly lit star
Wading through oceans of plain
To a dismal pit

RB Hate

Jay Ajayi vs. Tampa Bay
Pregame with Pitbull
Grape bombs at a Senor Frogs
Hangover, dale

Mike Gillislee vs. Kansas City
Horseshoe casino
Roulette wheel cruelly spins
Revealing losers

WR Love

Devante Parker vs. Tampa Bay
Carton of Camels
For a chain smoking diva
Light up, breathe deep, fly

Alshon Jeffery at Washington
I will raise you up
On Eagles wings, through the sky
The lamb of cheese steaks

WR Hate

T.Y. Hilton vs. Los Angeles
Lady luck has died
Scott Tolzien is everything
Abandon your dreams

Doug Baldwin at Green Bay
Bio Dome returns
Starring a brand new Baldwin
Rip van Tinklefest

TE Love

Jimmy Graham at Green Bay
An aging beast crawls
Toward glory one final time
Before vanishing

Hunter Henry at Denver
Bah Gawd! Who’s music?
That’s Double H! With a chair!
The humanity!

TE Hate

Eric Ebron vs. Arizona
Owned by everyone
Once a season and then cut
Then signed, then released

Kyle Rudolph vs. New Orleans
Hobbits cannot see
Reindeer, no he cherishes
Insipid handoffs

Defense Love

Los Angeles vs. Indianapolis
The glue factory
Where horses turn to Elmer’s
Huffed by famous folks

Defense Hate

Minnesota vs. New Orleans
The Viking sex cruise
Docked at She She’s, New Orleans
Unable to move


Week 2 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus

Peyton Manning vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Papa John’s Pizza
Is now serving wounded ducks
Garlic Gatorade


Tony Romo vs. Philadelphia
Enough misfortune
For an entire lifetime
Finally vanquished

Russel Wilson vs. Green Bay
Recovery water
And some fire and brimstone
Melts evil Packers


Tom Brady vs. Buffalo
Public tax dollars
Won’t fund another escape
Crushed like a cellphone

Matthew Stafford vs. Minnesota
A flat backwards hat
Can’t block out stadium lights
Can make face look huge


Jay Cutler vs. Arizona
A city ash tray
Takes a greyhound bus away
To never return

Running Back:
Lamar Miller vs. Jacksonville

Saddened, denial
Sadder than Dolphin Tale Two?
Become Free Willy

Joseph Randle vs. Philadelphia
Fresh Polo undies
Defense smells stolen cologne
They’re left motionless

Danny Woodhead vs. Cincinnati
Pocket Juggalo
The greasiest hair ever
Will slip defenders


Justin Forsett vs. Oakland
A one year wonder
Meets a stagnant, mild offense
A lukewarm result

Alfred Morris vs. St. Louis
A herd of mad Rams
Turned cannibal, seek fresh meat
Ring the feeding bell


Doug Martin vs. New Orleans
Jameis, cannot throw
Jameis, cannot throw. Jameis,
Cannot throw Jameis

Wide Receiver
Cole Beasley vs. Philadelphia
A helmet mullet
Makes you extra elusive
Blonde locks in the wind


Keenan Allen vs. Cincinnati
Left for dead, but why?
Does a season make a man?
Rise! Crawl from the ash!

Calvin Johnson vs. Minnesota
Rusty parts, neglect
Performed like Transformers Two
Ready to explode


Amari Cooper vs. Baltimore
Bah Gawd! That’s Pac-Man!
Choke slam! Amari, choke slam!
He still looks woozy!


Sammy Watkins vs. New England
What is that garment?
Invisibility cloak
Quidditch not football

Andre Johnson vs.  New York
Old, Older, Oldest
Del Boca Vista  retiree
Early bird special

Tight End:

Jason Witten vs. Philadelphia
Is this sorcery?
To disobey father time
Is to live always

Greg Olsen vs. Houston
Swarming bees attack
Like Nic Cage in Wicker Man
The bees! Not the bees!


Week 1 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus

Andy Dalton vs. Oakland
Short red hair, don’t care
A horned frog turned red rocket
Pale skin shines in light


Sam Bradford vs. Atlanta
Return of Frodo
Kelly starring as Samwise
Serves Mister Frodo


Carson Palmer vs. New Orleans
Slower than the plot
Of Boyhood in slow motion
An arm not a leg


Russel Wilson vs. St. Louis
Receiver graveyard
Playmaker cemetery
St. Louis corpse feast

Drew Brees vs. Arizona
End of an era
Sawdust blowing on Bourbon
A stale, flat Grenade


Kirk Cousins vs. Miami
A banana peel
booby traps galore, from Bob
He will play again

Running Back:
Doug Martin vs. Tennessee
Salt lick and water
Muscle hamster is recharged
No more dirty cage


Lamar Miller vs. Washington
A flute with no holes
not a flute, a defense with
holes not a defense

Chris Ivory vs. Cleveland
A sprinting mailbox
Running into a pillow
Feathers will explode


Frank Gore vs. Buffalo
Old knees running in
Tall trees,  enormous buildings
Immovable force

Melvin Gordon vs. Detroit
Uncertain rookie
With Woodhead looming, waiting
To capture the throne


Alfred Morris vs. Miami
A team that can’t throw
Often cannot run, which is
Fantasy Football

Wide Receiver
Devin Funchess vs. Jacksonville
A type of mushroom
Flourishes in Jacksonville
Invasive species


Brandon Marshall vs. Cleveland
Geno’s broken jaw
A true blessing in disguise
The beard shall find you

Steve Smith Sr. vs. Denver
A shootout awaits
He’ll be your huckleberry
Who else is there?


Jeremy Maclin vs. Houston
Rare breed of QB
Receivers invisible
Unnoticed, quiet, sad

Pierre Garcon vs. Miami
Wearing oven mits
Hands of the finest cinder
Rock type Pokémon


DeAndre Hopkins vs. Kansas City
A man not prepared
To be the one, the savior
of a dying offense

Tight End:
Austin Seferian Jenkins vs. Tennessee
The safety blanket
To a QB that needs one
Jameis is Linus

Jason Witten vs. New York
Decline of Witten
Sadly begins in Dallas
Grumpy Old Men Three


Week 5 Love/Hate Haikus



Ben Roethlisberger
Douchebag in cargos
Great quarterback, bad human
How does one still play?


Ryan Fitzpatrick
Professor Hagrid
Or Guy on a Buffalo
Or Duck Dynasty



Tom Brady
Golden Boy, Chris Gaines
First emo football player
Hashtag this is Ugg


Colin Kaepernick
Cannot hear the plays
Through his head consuming beats
Or see past his hat


Running Backs


Eddie Lacy
A transformation
Majin Buu to Super Buu
Viking absorption


Ben Tate
Eternally hurt
Calamity Coyote
Catches road runner



Frank Gore
Father time awaits
Drawing near to the ageless
Old man strength fading


Steven Ridley
Batman Forever
Worst than Jim Carrey’s Riddler
And Clooney’s bat suit


Wide Receiver


Larry Fitzgerald
Comes back from the dead
Cat from Pet Semetary
Revenge of Winston


Calvin Johnson
Megatron revenge
Shia Labeouf cornerbacks
The AllSpark is found



Demaryious Thomas
More overrated
Than film, Little Miss Sunshine
Maybe Avatar


Marques Colston
A feast or famine
That’s exclusively famine
No feast to be had


Tight End


Travis Kelce
In Andy Reid’s Sights
Like a twinkie or snowball
Don’t stop feeding him



Larry Donnell
Lightning doesn’t strike
In the same place twice, a rare
Unicorn sighting




Saint Louis
Is it possible
The Eagles are not that good?
Expect sacks galore



Fear neck beard power
It will consume everyone
Lasers to Saturn


Week 2 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus

Quarterback Love

Nick Foles
Go Away! Batin’!
Loves money and sex with chicks
Costco time machine



Jake Locker
The Dallas Defense
Is worse than Space Jam’s Tune Squad
Tune Squad sans M.J.



Quarterback Hate

Peyton Manning
Hamburger Pizza
A lingering pregame snack
White pants become brown


Robert Griffin III
Nothing in the tank
Has-been playing county fairs
Just like Sugar Ray



Running Backs Love

Chris Johnson
Gold grills are too trill
Has Lenny Kravitz dreadlocks
C.J. fly away


Marshawn Lynch
Marshawn Skittles cloud
Forecast: torrential downpour
Candy bludgeoning


Running Backs Hate

Steven Jackson
Can barely stand up
Watch him faint behind the line
Back of calf face plants



Doug Martin
The muscle hamster
Only enjoys burrowing
Not running wild, free



Wide Receiver Love

Victor Cruz
Enjoys Pace salsa
Instead of red Gatorade
More electrolytes


Vincent Jackson
It is most quiet
Before the storm, and most dark
Before any light


Wide Receiver Hate

Percy Harvin
Is more volatile
Than an expired McRib
A blowout coming



Dwayne Bowe
Suspended or not
Toil in irrelevance
Bong loads make stone hands



Tight End Love

Rob Gronkowski
The bionic man
Or bicentennial man
The Iron Giant


Tight End Hate

Jordan Cameron
A dumpster fire
Nothing is salvageable
Abandon all Browns


Defense Love

Tampa Bay
The St. Louis Rams
Louisiana Mud Dogs
Sans the Water Boy


Defense Hate

San Francisco
Lunch Lady Romo
Will not be serving hot picks
This is not Dallas


Fantasy Football Week 1 Love/Hate Haiku

Quarterback Love

Jay Cutler
Menthols are packed
Yellowed fingers throw touchdowns
The Bills, his ashtray


Matthew Stafford
Buckets of Bud Light
Ninety-proof touchdowns
Destroy all of the shotskis


Quarterback Hate

Tony Romo
Tragedy begins
Romo, star-crossed lover
Cursed from the start


Philip Rivers
The Bolo necktie
Can only save so many
Rivers is not one


Running Backs Love

Toby Gerhart
Slow burning candle
A plodding gym rat shall rise
You can’t teach volume


Ben Tate
No more Arian
Browns passing incompetence
Will pay dividends


Running Backs Hate

Maurice Jones Drew
Pocket Hercules
An ancient Polly Pocket
But more frustrating


Arian Foster
He has bird like bones
His hamstring is wet cardboard
Everything will break


Wide Receiver Love

Wes Welker (if he plays)
Is the Great Gazoo
Wes Welker bobblehead day
Happens everday


Miles Austin
The quads of a god
According to Collinsworth
Could crush a diamond


Wide Receiver Hate

Danny Amendola
Glass menagerie
The NFL’s Bubble Boy
Except less funny


Eric Decker
High, low, at the toes
Hook, shank, has already sank
Geno not Peyton


Tight End Love

Martellus Bennett
Nuclear Mickey
Will become Super Saiyan
And rule galaxies


Tight End Hate

Antonio Gates
Is now elderly
Crossword puzzles and Werther’s
Friday night bingo


Defense Love

Bear necessities
Stealing all picnic baskets
Eat all the honey


Defense Hate

Never trust Detroit
Except Kid Rock halftime shows
and frat boy Stafford


Love/Hate Haikus Week 14

Week 14 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus

Quarterbacks Love
Joe Flacco (vs. Minnesota)
A single eyebrow
As lively as bath water
Ben Stein of QBs

Josh McCown (vs. Dallas)
Trestman’s apprentice
A precious marionnette
Baby, Bye Bye Bye

Quarterbacks Hate:
Robert Griffin III (vs. Kansas City)
Officially Bob
Not smiling Bob from Enzyte
No grinning this game


Matt Ryan (vs. Green Bay)
Now Matty Zima
No one ices with Zima
A lukewarm Zima

Running Backs Love
Ray Rice (vs. Minnesota) 
Is growing tired
Of kicking you in the nuts
For drafting him first

Reggie Bush (vs. Philadelphia)
Trains with Bruce Jenner
Still trying to get Kim back
Better than Yeezus

Running Backs Hate
Any Patriots Running Back (vs. Cleveland)
Hell hath no fury
Like a Belichick scorned
A huge male diva

Rashad Jennings (vs. New York Jets)
Will come back to earth
Backed up like Rex Ryan
After a Big Mac

Wide Receivers Love
Victor Cruz (vs. San Diego)

Return of Salsa
Better than a jar of Pace
Jar of Frontera

Alshon Jeffery (vs. Dallas)
His world we live in
A Universal Soldier
Hands are robot claws

Wide Receivers Hate
Golden Tate (vs. San Francisco) 
A monster blowhard
Will you trust him in your game?
You can’t cheer for him

Larry Fitzgerald (vs. St. Louis)
The roller coaster
Way way up or way way down
The descent begins

Defense Love
Baltimore (vs. Minnesota)
They can stop the run
The pass game will stop itself
The futility…

Defense Hate
Houston (vs. Jacksonville)
The match-up I like
The talent I do not like
Stay far far away

Love/Hate Haikus Week 11

Week 11 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus

Quarterbacks Love
Andrew Luck
Deepest voice ever
Slow motion Talkboy F/X
Buzz’s girlfriend woof

Mike Glennon
Miley Cyrus hair
Arm is like a wrecking ball
Runnin’ on molly


Matthew Stafford
Lambda Gun Slinger
Butt bongs beer regularly
A doughy frat boy


Quarterbacks Hate:
Joe Flacco
The Flaccid Flacco
Always in refractory
Non elite QB

Alex Smith
I nap when he plays
Noodle armed lullaby
Can’t hang with Peyton

Carson Palmer
He can barely move
Most average human ever
Despises winning

Running Backs Love
Ray Rice
Will find his talent
Like the Toon Squad in Space Jam
A trap game for Bears

Mike James (if he plays)
The new super freak
Fuck your couch Charlie Murphy
I am Mike James bitch


Alfred Morris
A better butler
Than even Michael Kane is
Alfred Pennyworth


Running Backs Hate
Ben Tate
A bad batch of ribs
Some eaten at Applebees
Sad establishment

Jamaal Charles
When points are dropped
And one team cannot keep up
The running will stop

Steven Jackson
A bigger helmet
Is the first step to fixing
Nose touches facemask


Wide Receivers Love
T.Y. Hilton
Had something to prove
Is now Reggie 2 point 0
The franchise future

Andre Johnson (Andre 3000)
Keenum is Big Boi
Remaking Aquemini
A masterpiece game


Wide Receivers Hate
Steve Smith
Age is catching up
Aqib Talib is as well
The fade from stardom

Cecil Shorts
Arizona D
Is smoking blunts with Blackmon
Cecil can’t survive

Defense Love
See Flaccid Flacco
A Superbowl hangover
Offense is awful

Defense Hate
Golden boy is back
He’s wearing Uggs and CK
Also complaining

Love/Hate Haikus Week 9

Week 9 Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus
There is nothing in this world that causes more gut rot and heartache than when your opponent’s quarterback throws a touchdown to a receiver owned by that same despicable lout. There’s always a brief moment of denial, as you sheepishly slink into your Yahoo account, thinking that maybe you remembered things differently. What you see is as eye stinging as that stench awakened when you slip on that inconsiderately left dog log lounging in a grass hammock.  Just when you thought the indignation had reached its climax, you get a text with something like “hollllyyyyyy” or “Wow, officially transcended football” Your head and ring piece simultaneously erupt and you call it a Sunday.

Quarterbacks Love
Jake Locker
Broken hips galore
Delicate bones increase speed
Grandpa has an arm

Terrel Pryor
Ohio State Grad.
Will get a car if he wins
Just like in college

Aaron Rodgers
Always hung-over
Extra on the Walking-Dead
Zombies can play too


Quarterbacks Hate:
Joe Flacco
Loves the Mighty Wing
Pregame case of bubble guts
The runs cause bad play

Tom Brady
Looks good but plays bad
Like movies with Taylor Kitsch
Do not act again


Michael Vick
Hamstrings are sawdust
Or a spaghetti noodle
A soaked french-fry 

Running Backs Love
Danny Woodhead
A tiny white sprite
Is going through puberty
Will become a man

Chris Ivory
Thermal imaging
An elite hunter will rise
All aliens die


Darren Sproles
Pygmy Running back
Galloping across the field
A majestic thing

Running Backs Hate
Deangelo Williams
One cannot score points
Without first getting the ball
Start no one but Cam

Benjarvus Green-Ellis
A sketchy law firm
Worse than that of Saul Goodman
Public Defender

Trent Richardson
If you need one yard
I’ll get you one, you need two?
I’ll still get you one

Wide Receivers Love
T.Y. Hilton
A teammate goes down
Another has stones for hands
It is now his turn


Denarious Moore
An awful defense
Combined with mild talent
Touchdowns will be had

Wide Receivers Hate
Torrey Smith
One does not simply
Score points against Joe Haden
Worse than Sauron’s eye

Danny Amendola
Plays like Greg Oden
Which means doesn’t play at all
A man made of glass

Defense Love
Is Kellen Clemens
An actual real person?
Pick sixes abound


Defense Hate
Matty Ice can throw
Falcons will always frighten
Roddy could be back

Week 7 Love/Hate

Fantasy Love/Hate Week 7

Never has the full spectrum of human emotion been so visible. Happiness, nervousness, love, malice, remorse, loss, jubilation, fear and indigestion are all apparent while gluing your looking balls to the Red Zone channel for 10-12 hours on Sunday. That cloudiness surrounding your vision after the Sunday night game is either fantasy induced tears or your retinas detaching. You’ll likely be able to buy eyeballs in the future like Tom Cruise did in Minority Report, so let your eyes feast on this hearty helping of Fantasy Love/Hate populating the faint glow of your computer screen..

Love Quarterbacks
Jay Cutler-
The poutiest, perpetually bed headed cry baby will throw as many TDs as he does temper tantrums. That’s not Gatorade in that cup; it’s a delicate mixture of formula and mashed peas. Baby Jay is going to be hucking that ball like his favorite whistler Vortex all over Washington’s feeble defense.

Cam Newton-Superman Returned last week and the game was frankly slightly more entertaining than the immense snoozer 2006 Superman Returns. Audience’s everywhere were forced to endure Spacey’s lumpy bald head for a few hours before Superman punted his weird kryptonite real estate Ponzie scheme out of orbit. Make no mistake about it that Rams defense is a lot easier to move than real estate on that kryptonite island.

Andrew Luck-Seems like someone who would smell like bouillon cube and is perpetually sweaty. None the less that Chargers game was incredibly fluky. This thing is going to be Peyton and Luck trading blows like Rocky and Drago, at the end of the day Luck will likely say “If he dies he dies” right before tossing a game winning TD, in his weird voice that is somehow deeper than Dolph Lundgren’s.

Hate Quarterbacks
Eli Manning-Behind those aloof vacant eyes is, well….an aloof vacant brain. How he won two Superbowls ranks up there with some of the more profound mysteries/miracles in life. How the pyramids were built. Child birth. If Heaven has a ghetto. If Leo wakes up from his dream at the end of Inception just to name a few. He may throw a couple touchdowns but the picks will be there, and that battering ram Jacobs is going to be vulturing any goaline work.

Robert Griffin III-Pop him on a flight to Germany with Kobe. I’m not putting him in this love column until he’s wearing Lederhosen and eating a handful of sauerkraut before the game. Something isn’t right with that knee, though he looked better last week, this Bears defense is going to eat him alive.

Colin Kaepernick-I trust ole Squidward about as much as he trusts that little smart-ass sponge. I’m convinced that Harbaugh is a closeted Hipster, and he’s running this boring offense to effectively decrease football watching and increase fixed gear bike riding, pickling and general nonchalance in the NFL community. His intensity is derived from how skinny his jeans are. Pretty soon we’ll see football jerseys will be packaged with a bowtie, a pack of American Spirits, and a PBR.


Love Running Backs
Brandon Jacobs-
Also known as “The Slow Burn” is going to be working through this Minnesota defense like a Chipotle burrito through your insides. Slowly and deliberately. Crawling ever so slowly for that light at the end of the tunnel.


Ryan Matthews– Samuel L. Jacksons character Elijah Price in Unbreakable was actually inspired by Ryan Matthews. So were the bubble-boy episode in Seinfeld and the crappy screen play “The Glass Menagerie” that we were all forced to read in junior high. If his bones don’t turn into saw dust at some point in this game, I think he puts together a decent outing. Let’s just hope he’s been taking his calcium pills this week.

Deangelo Williams-Is it officially 2008 again? This is less about Williams and more about the ineptitude of the Rams defense. And the fact that Deangelo sounds like an ultra smooth R&B singer, with crooning talent comparable to Ruben Studdard.  Almost 200 yards total yards for Arian last week, and it was a blowout.

Hate Running Backs
Zac Stacy-By rule, I don’t trust anyone with two first names. Even myself.

Ray Rice-
Another offense that I completely despise.  0 consistency anywhere and Average Joe is too busy thinking about McDonalds Mighty Wings to start checking down to Ray. Also the O-Line is a sheet of loose leaf paper.

C.J. Spiller-The whole “we’re going to give him the ball till be barfs” thing didn’t really happen huh. Maybe it’s because of the sub-par O-line and absolute lack of skill players at virtually every other position. Also the human statue Matt Flynn could be starting for them this weekend?

Love: Wide Receivers
Erick Decker-
One of the many receivers in the league often referred to as a “pesky little gym rat,” I think the stone handed drops subside this week. Also the Robot named Peyton showed about as much emotion/frustration as a Robot can after not performing at an optimal level for whoever engineered him. If you want to take a look at his statement it was transcribed as the below:



Alshon Jeffrey-Last week looked very similar to Shawn Bradley’s Monstar character. A complete and utter beast, Cutler missed him on two home run balls last weekend, that won’t happen again this week.

Keenan Allen- Ok, maybe I trust one person with two first names.

Hate: Wide Receivers
Roddy White-Not sure that he plays, but besides that he’s being held together by dirty ace bandages and can only play after bonging an entire bottle of icy-hot. Until I see a full practice he’s getting the bench.


Calvin Johnson-“The Scarecrow” No better and no more functional than one of those owls you hang in your garden to keep critters out, or a scarecrow that becomes a crow’s best friend. Plus that Cincy Pass D is the real deal.

Riley Cooper-Not buying the production last week in the least. Also anyone who is 1.) Likes Kenny Chesney and 2.) Is a confirmed racist, will almost always land on the hate list.

Love: Defenses
Miami-This is solely based on ole water pistol arm Matt Flynn getting the start. Not only does he chug Nyquil before every game, but there isn’t a soul to throw to…even if he actually does get the ball off. If you look at a replay of him, he doesn’t appear to be moving at all. Completely stationary.

Chicago-Ball hawks galore AND turnover prone Washington offense?

Hate: Defenses
Denver-Peyton vs. Luck, Master vs. Student, Robot vs. Human…if Peyton loses Skynet will initiate.

New England-A complete hunch but I think Rextacy will have a trick or two up his sleeve for this one. Also Geno has been an on again off again QB, think he has an on week this week and effectively has the golden boy blowing his nose in a pair of Ugg boots by the end of this one.