One Tie All Tie

Life after XSport Fitness

Escaping the suffocating clutches of a conglomerate combination gym/tanning salon is by all accounts the ultimate demonstration of the enduring human spirit. A universal testament to gym members everywhere that at some point or another you must rise above the unruly creatures that have slithered from the sewers and taken up residence on the squat rack. That you must reach deep and transcend the stifling futility of it all. Acting human should not make you an outcast.

The snarling beasts swaddled in their designer workout rags know not what they do, the pre-workout supplements and engulfing narcissism has driven them to madness. Let the corpulent franchise owner with thinning hair and athletic sunglasses lead them to their predictable demise with unlimited tanning and overpriced sessions with questionable trainers.

There were of course lapses is conviction, breaking points even. Coming to the grim realization that the multi-million dollar renovation that was promised for the better part of a decade included nothing more than a skin toned paint job and some burlap carpeting was as heartbreaking as you would imagine. The money was instead used to hire a new demon army of trainers, ready to swarm on any pile of flesh stupid enough make eye contact. After reckoning with this, I began considering the prospect of something better existing. Could I really escape the demons that had haunted me for so long?

Yes! I was baptized in a whey protein shake from a drinking fountain of youth! A beautiful fountain unscathed by loogies and self-tanner. Cleansing me of the sins of a thousand other gym members. I’ve repented and wept in that fountain. Basked in its undying glory. There is a place out there where weights are re-racked, where protein farts are kept at bay, where leering is frowned upon and where unchecked testosterone and hatred are vanquished. I have seen that place. You too can have the strength and courage to send an archaic piece of certified mail for $5 to Xsport Fitness to officially cancel your membership. You too can achieve eternal spiritual clarity.