One Tie All Tie

Top 5 Reasons to Not Attend Street Fests

5.) Shopping-More accurately referred to as purchasing something infinitely unmemorable that will sit on a shelf for 6 months and then be promptly discarded. An empty wine bottle filled with colored sand. A lanyard made out of human hair. Xanax fueled acrylic paintings that has 40 layers of paint and weighs 15 lbs, complete with all of the angst of someone experiencing a mid-life crisis. Number 2 pencils smothered in Elmer’s glue and rolled in glitter and shredded up Lisa Frank prints. Nothing better than sweating through your shorts, mulling over the next piece of clutter your going to stub your toe on while sipping a $7 Bud Light and trying to scrape a gum bomb from the bottom of your shoe.

4.) Carnies-What hastily built ride do you want to get sick on today? Will it be the machine that spins swings in a circle inches above the ground? Maybe the pirate ship being ran by the guy watching porn on his iPhone. Dunking the paunchy, jaundiced, balding guy wearing a wife beater in the dunk tank is always a true treat. Or maybe you should just get a good case of pink eye from the bouncing castle. Either way passing out from exhaust fumes is 100% on the agenda today. If all else fails you can always pay $10 to peg a gold-fish bowl with a softball and win the remains.

3.) People-I don’t want to be around anyone willing to shell out a $10 entry fee to stand around on sweltering asphalt, drinking lukewarm domestics and eating stale churros. Frankly someone willing to subject themselves to such misery can’t be trusted. Make sure to wear steel toed boots if you are going to attend. There’s plenty of dually strollers, driven by griping asshole  parents, looking to pulverize any exposed toes. Either that or hipsters moshing to Dinosaur Jr, it all depends on the area. Also be ready to overhear conversations on esteemed/controversial topics like: new menu items at Bar Louie, best tasting light beer, the weather, Moscato on the rocks, how the Cubs may or may not doing, and the Big Bang Theory.

2.) Volunteer Security-These hardos generally have the aggressiveness of Judge Dredd, the resilience of RoboCop, and the shrewdness of Rahm Emmanuel. Volunteer security guards are born not made. They are the best, of the best, of the best at attempting to collect suggested donations. It doesn’t matter if you live on the street or not, you’re getting a complete and utter shakedown. Be prepared to have a flashlight jammed in your purse and then up your butt, this right after your driver’s license is scrutinized for no less than 8 minutes. God forbid anyone tries to walk on that street that isn’t going to the fest, if that is your goal be prepared for a fist fight regardless of gender. And if you tell them you’re trying to go to a restaurant on that block, be prepared for a lugee in the eye. Rejected bathroom attendants, sniveling yuppies, and University of Phoenix hopefuls are just a few of the not so friendly faces you can expect to see collecting.

1.) Music-Watching a bunch of washed up, talentless hacks plod through a cover of Alien Ant Farm covering Michael Jackson is enough to make anyone’s soul go extinct, unless it’s already dead. Who know’s if whoever is up on stage is actually playing any music though, it’s tough to tell as their generally competing with hoards of basic Thots wailing the wrong lyrics to a Bon Jovi song they never heard and fist pumping bros dumping beers directly into your ear. Things could all change though, I heard the backup triangle player in Chumbawamba has a side project that’s playing at Northwest Southeast Roscoe Village Retro Vinyl Seafood Fest.