Facebook ad offers perfect shirt for you to slip into consuming depression in

Silicon Valley, CA-We’ve all seen the incredible ingenuity behind Untuckit, the New York based, men’s wear line which harpooned the fashion world by discovering that shirts contain the ability to be untucked. After decades of painstakingly studying Tommy Bahama and Life is Good, Untuckit was finally able to determine that paunchy men with no personalities enjoy remedying their looming depression by buying future landfill fodder.

Continuing in the tradition of waste, a contrarian brand known as Tuck It has birthed through a tower of skid marked jock straps in a characterless suburb of your choosing. Tuck It is a brand new shirt for men that fastens under the gooch, similar to a child’s onesie.

The patented burlap thong back fits perfectly into most sized butt cracks and because it fastens to the revolutionary “scrote-bag” in front, your shirt will stay firmly tucked in even as the rest of your life falls to pieces. As you look into the mirror at your deteriorating body and mind, you can at least take comfort in the fact that you purchased a shirt from a Facebook ad.

Imagine losing your wife and your job in the same day while still looking like the prideful asshole you are. So give up today and say Tuck It.

Best Romantic First Date Bars in Chicago

John Barleycorn-Is that a cool spring breeze tumbling across a dewy field, as the sun bathes the ancient walls of a majestic castle? No, but a complete stranger blowing in your face immediately after a Rumple Minze shot is similar enough.  Settle into this cozy little slice of Ireland with traditional Irish fare such as; Buffalo Chicken Wraps and buckets of Michelob Ultra, just like what Ma and Pa serve across the pond. Because the bar is always charmingly full, you and your date will be forced to interact nose to nose and because it’s unbearably loud, well you’ll be screaming sweet nothings in each other’s bleeding ears all night. So May the road rise up to meet you. So, may the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, GET BLACK OUT DRUNK ON BOGO VEGAS BOMBS!!!!! (Que Drake air horn noise)

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Sluggers Bar & Grill- Chocolate. Flowers. Professional style batting cages. These are the ingredients needed for a perfectly romantic first date. Imagine snuggling up as an unpredictable pitching machine launches 90 MPH fastball right at your head. The laughs and flirting that occur moments after your life passes before your eyes are memories that you’ll share forever! After you’ve gotten a very noticeable first date sweat going, allow your heart to melt along with your feet as you traverse the pleasantly sticky floors and adoringly dance the night away to some smooth and silky music from local jazz favorite Pitbull. The 10 guys swarming you, furiously grinding and spilling drinks are the perfect mood setter for whatever happens next ;). Is that a $6 Coors Light resealable can in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Sluggers World Class Sports Bar & Grill in Chicago Illinois 705854

Deuces & Diamonds-Can you ever go wrong with bottle service AND a wading pool? Treat your date to the ultimate illusion of classiness as you wade around in a tiny pool filled to the brim with the piss of absolutely anyone on Clark Street that day. After you dry off, or don’t, you can feverishly make out on one of the sweaty, faux leather couches. Just make sure you’re both wearing Fox Racing gear and you’ll blend right in! If you’re lucky, maybe your date will get pulled up for the weekly Fireball bikini contest! This little lap of luxury will be our little secret.

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Trace-The essence of Nickelback has been the foundation of countless successful first dates and because it’s buried deep in the heart of a quiet, discreet part of town you’ll be able to sip buckets of domestic beer ever so intimately.

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Duffy’s Tavern-An amiable little dive bar with no shortage of personality. Romantic lighting that’s bordering on consuming darkness transforms even the most hideous gremlin into prince charming. Prepare yourself for an enchanted deep fryer that will always keep you guessing…is that a chicken tender or fried ostrich feathers? Nothing keeps things exciting like a little spontaneity and with a $20 all you can drink deal well you’ll be spontaneously hurling into a potted plant in no time!

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Kim Kardashian to have both arms amputated, replaced with selfie sticks

In an effort to capture every moment of a completely vacant life; Kim Kardashian has elected to have both arms replaced by selfie sticks. “There needs to be more selfies of me, plain and simple…this was the logical conclusion” said Kim looking seemingly thousands of miles into the distance. She went on to describe different looks and poses that people likely haven’t seen like brooding at a birthday party or duck faced sulking at a Lakers game.

“Having selfie sticks as arms will give me so much more range and because selfie sticks are so timeless…this is a decision I def. won’t regret, like ever.” Continued Kim through perched lips, unblinking.

The operation is relatively simple; it involves crudely fashioning two idiotic looking sticks into the shoulder sockets where the arms used to be. These sticks cannot be used for anything else but to take pictures that are angled upwards as though whoever is taking the picture has excessively long arms. Appearing as though you have a seven foot shiny arm is one thing; actually having one is something entirely different. Kim appears ready to make the leap, having already agreed to produce 1,000 more coffee table selfie books. There is simply nothing more artistic than a cheap plastic obstruction protruding from the bottom of every picture taken with a selfie stick.

Because the selfie sticks will render her unable to perform any basic human function, save creating disposable digital waste, there will be a team of butlers charged with feeding and dressing her along with plenty of other less glorious tasks associated with human upkeep. “The Kardashians have always been about creating jobs for Americans” mumbled Kim through pursed lips.

The true beauty of selfie sticks are that they make all of your pictures look completely identical while also inconveniencing everyone around you.

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Revulsion of Guy Fieri could cause world peace

The key to world peace doesn’t lie in virtuous diplomats, global economies, or disbandment of military entities. World peace requires something greater, something capable of transcending centuries of misunderstanding and animosity. Something to act as an adhesive to every race, religion and person no matter how small. The key to world peace lies in the perspiring, swollen, sausage link fingers of celebrity chef, Guy Fieri.

In a time where even the most benign outlook on any topic will get you crucified, one realm of belief remains unburdened by any judgement. That being the universal distaste of mountain troll turned television chef, Guy Fieri. Achieving a state of universal revulsion is a rare feat, and not enviable for that matter, though through this achievement the savior of humanity is born. A paunchy, bloated savior swaddled in Ed Hardy. This messiah shall breach the fetid oil of a neglected deep fryer and use his malnourished fluorescent hair to bind nations.

Imagine if the rampant hatred consuming this world was instead consumed by the eager mouth of Guy Fieri. Inhaled like a bucket of gut busting TNT wings smothered in maple syrup. Races and religions finding a single commonality to bond over…to laugh over…to cry over…to loath. That feeling of having to stop eating mid-meal while Guy accumulates enough drool to slither a triple decker pulled pork sandwich into his cram hole is infallible…it is felt concurrently by everyone and everything.

These types of universal feelings could be powerful enough to neutralize the horrible state the world is currently in. So let the flames on his XXL Harley Davidson bowling shirt wash over you and embrace a sentiment held by both your best friend, your worst enemy and anything in between.

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W3NDCH3LL (Chicago Instrumental Project) Review

Chicago is a fickle beast. There are millions of us microorganisms living in the tangled fur of this lumbering metropolis. All of us experience the city from a different angle, a different height, with different motivations. Each person uniquely digesting the cities beauty and despair, as it grinds relentlessly forward day after. In a city where intimacy is forced by proximity, it’s strange that the lingering sensation is often seclusion.  Everyone has a different concept of home.

Intricate familiarities that provide comfort and warmth are completely unknown to the person sitting next to you on the train. It’s easy to succumb to these familiarities, surrendering to only what you know. For those of us longing to spiral out, to peer into unfamiliar parts of the city and its inhabitants look no further than W3NDCH3LL.

W3NDCH3LL is a 39 song compilation that details just about every emotion you could feel in a bustling city. Hoisted into the clouds by goliath skyscrapers. Submerged in dirt, traveling through the seedy underbelly in a dimly lit tin can. The compilation is split into three parts Soul, Space, and Slap, each one allowing the listener a glance at the sweeping cityscape through the eyes and ears of the Chicagoan producers. Peering through fogged glass windows at their interpretation of home.

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Soul seems like it’s broadcasting from an ancient boombox nestled comfortably in the hot sand overlooking Lake Michigan. Playing over laughter as cheap beer is enjoyed between friends. One of those memorable Chicago days in which the freezing cold waters of the lake seem to wash away in lasting care.

Space is as it sounds. Complete and utter isolation amongst the clouds. Cast into a comfortable solitude 100’s of floors up with nothing to do but to think.

Slap is a testament to the weird nights that only happen in Chicago. The nights where midnight turns into 4 a.m.  and you’re inexplicably drinking Seabreezes on a roof with an old man that’s offering to take you to a full contact Asian strip club. The gloriously, wonderfully weird morsels this city has to offer.

This Chicago instrumental project is one giant, creative exhale from the windiest of the windy.

Free Download:

Part 1: https://mishkanyc.com/bloglin/2015/05/25/mishka-records-presents-w3ndch3ll-pt-1-soul

Part 2: https://mishkanyc.com/bloglin/2015/05/27/mishka-records-presents-w3ndch3ll-pt-2-space

Part 3: https://mishkanyc.com/bloglin/2015/05/29/mishka-records-presents-w3ndch3ll-pt-3-slap

Stream: https://soundcloud.com/neonpajamas/sets/w3ndch3ll

Leaked letter from the writer of The Wedding Ringer to Miramax Films

Below is a letter believed to be from the writer of The Wedding Ringer to Miramax Films:

To whomevverrr it may concert at Miramax Filmz,

I’m drunk. currently. And unmanagebly high. Once the parrot bay runned out. I turnt to huffing Axe body spray and eatingthe pellets out of ant traps because I thought it was my C3PO pez dispenser. I just puked. OH IT STINKS. Staringat my reflecton in this pile of vomit and animal hair I get the best idear for a blockbuster comedy film movie. Get a paunchy nerdy white asshole whodoesna have a frind in ther world. A real FUCKING loser. People WILL laugh if u cann make a character somhow moor pathetic then them. YOU MUST DIG DEEP,  see Mike and Molly and 2 broke girls for example. Not havin friends=FUNNY. Oh godddd iitss coming back up…HUGHHHHHHHHH…when the HELL  did I eat tha mad about you season 5 DVD….thatttt hurt, i hope that red stuff is dorito dust…yepppp it’s dorito dust! GODDAMNIT I JUST LIT THE Q WRONG END OF A CIGARETTE

FIND A POPULAR COMDENIAN NEXT! Preferably SHORT so you can make SHORT JOKES HAHA…comedians ooff average or less than..average height is funny…especially in my state to someone whoo findd a pile of his  own BARF enternaining.  Prefrably a different race ttoo so that theur is confusion about nerdy white people getting marrid but they al l understand and become FRIENDS IN THE END. THAT US KEY, it mustt give the illuzon of salviation

HAVE SOMEONE GET A BOIILING HOT SOUP PAN DUMPED ON THEIR LAP! Having your JUNK maimed by HOT Chickin noodlee soup gets THA LAUGHS! Lots of tacklingg, make sure ANYONE fat gets hit witha two by four…att some point someone old needs to FART haha! Call it somethin with  A PUN likeee…THE WEDDING RINGPIECE…or EVEN BETTER THE WEDDING RINGER! NE WAYZ HAVENTE WIPED MY ASS in 4 dayes shood probably try.

Sinceryeluy yours forever,
SLAMOOO SAMATAYAWXXX INSECT 69!

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Kidz Bop 27

Kidz Bop volume 27 is the perfect album for any and all occasions. So you’re craving that feeling of being trapped inside a giant fart filled PVC maze, with thousands of wailing kids, at DZ Discovery Zone? Kidz Bop 27. What about when you’re longing for that feeling of a kid doing a cannonball on your head? Shoving you deeper into the booger ridden poop stained balls in the ball pit at the McDonalds in Hammond, Indiana. Kidz Bop 27.  Who can forget about that feeling of getting pink eye from said balls? Yet another fond feeling that can be resurrected by the voices of screaming kids. It’s as though someone recorded the toy aisle at Walmart for 50 minutes on black Friday.

What could be better than hearing chicken shit top 40 songs as sung by the rejects from the after school choir at St. Joseph’s grade school? I’m surprised every song on here doesn’t have a recorder solo. I think my head would explode if I heard Katy Perry covering “Hot Crossed Buns” covered by Kidz Bop. Just could not be more confused as to who is buying this. Even a simple minded kid should be able to discern that whatever professional is singing the song is clearly better than their snot nosed peer. On the plus side if you order now the album comes with a pile of xannys and a half gallon of Everclear for any parent unfortunate enough to endure this.

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Top 5 Reasons to Not Attend Street Fests

5.) Shopping-More accurately referred to as purchasing something infinitely unmemorable that will sit on a shelf for 6 months and then be promptly discarded. An empty wine bottle filled with colored sand. A lanyard made out of human hair. Xanax fueled acrylic paintings that has 40 layers of paint and weighs 15 lbs, complete with all of the angst of someone experiencing a mid-life crisis. Number 2 pencils smothered in Elmer’s glue and rolled in glitter and shredded up Lisa Frank prints. Nothing better than sweating through your shorts, mulling over the next piece of clutter your going to stub your toe on while sipping a $7 Bud Light and trying to scrape a gum bomb from the bottom of your shoe.

4.) Carnies-What hastily built ride do you want to get sick on today? Will it be the machine that spins swings in a circle inches above the ground? Maybe the pirate ship being ran by the guy watching porn on his iPhone. Dunking the paunchy, jaundiced, balding guy wearing a wife beater in the dunk tank is always a true treat. Or maybe you should just get a good case of pink eye from the bouncing castle. Either way passing out from exhaust fumes is 100% on the agenda today. If all else fails you can always pay $10 to peg a gold-fish bowl with a softball and win the remains.

3.) People-I don’t want to be around anyone willing to shell out a $10 entry fee to stand around on sweltering asphalt, drinking lukewarm domestics and eating stale churros. Frankly someone willing to subject themselves to such misery can’t be trusted. Make sure to wear steel toed boots if you are going to attend. There’s plenty of dually strollers, driven by griping asshole  parents, looking to pulverize any exposed toes. Either that or hipsters moshing to Dinosaur Jr, it all depends on the area. Also be ready to overhear conversations on esteemed/controversial topics like: new menu items at Bar Louie, best tasting light beer, the weather, Moscato on the rocks, how the Cubs may or may not doing, and the Big Bang Theory.

2.) Volunteer Security-These hardos generally have the aggressiveness of Judge Dredd, the resilience of RoboCop, and the shrewdness of Rahm Emmanuel. Volunteer security guards are born not made. They are the best, of the best, of the best at attempting to collect suggested donations. It doesn’t matter if you live on the street or not, you’re getting a complete and utter shakedown. Be prepared to have a flashlight jammed in your purse and then up your butt, this right after your driver’s license is scrutinized for no less than 8 minutes. God forbid anyone tries to walk on that street that isn’t going to the fest, if that is your goal be prepared for a fist fight regardless of gender. And if you tell them you’re trying to go to a restaurant on that block, be prepared for a lugee in the eye. Rejected bathroom attendants, sniveling yuppies, and University of Phoenix hopefuls are just a few of the not so friendly faces you can expect to see collecting.

1.) Music-Watching a bunch of washed up, talentless hacks plod through a cover of Alien Ant Farm covering Michael Jackson is enough to make anyone’s soul go extinct, unless it’s already dead. Who know’s if whoever is up on stage is actually playing any music though, it’s tough to tell as their generally competing with hoards of basic Thots wailing the wrong lyrics to a Bon Jovi song they never heard and fist pumping bros dumping beers directly into your ear. Things could all change though, I heard the backup triangle player in Chumbawamba has a side project that’s playing at Northwest Southeast Roscoe Village Retro Vinyl Seafood Fest.

The iPad Fleshlight will destroy the world

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It’s all over. The crumbling of humanity and all it stood for was brief, instantaneous and painless.  The collapse of society wasn’t caused by global warming, disease, zombies, nuclear war or computers becoming self-aware but rather a device that allowed people to bang their iPads. The iPad Fleshlight (an iPad case with a fake vagina extension) is a magnificent achievement in unobstructed depravity.  This heinous creation that will end us all. The moral ramifications are certainly there, given that anyone that would strap this thing onto their iPad and give it a few violent thrusts would also likely have no problem murdering you at the drop of the hat. The mere thought of a post-coitus Skype with the family on the same defiled device is nothing short of vomit inducing.

As sales for this thing increase so does the number of complete psychopaths, wandering the streets sipping Extenze energy drinks. Before we know it these fiends will band together, forming allegiances to different models of iPad Fleshlights. Warring cults sacrificing and worshipping at iPad Fleshlight alters. Bloody and brutal wars will be waged. Everyone will undoubtedly start wearing burlap pants, mesh shirts, hockey masks and have gratuitous piercings. The maintenance of our world is all but forgotten, lost behind the dim glow of whatever smut is playing on the iPad. There will be a barbed wire dome constructed where disputes over adulterous iPad Fleshlights will be settled, a winner take all fight to the death. Shanty towns will become the norm, where toothless, wrinkled men sit in blistering heat, reveling in their own filth, drinking swill and exchanging fond memories of past iPad Fleshlight conquests. People who can’t afford them will sit broken on the road, malnourished and begging desperately for a quick tit ride. Those who choose not to defile their iPad will be persecuted and banished in no such order.

There will be no more children, as the eager iPad Fleshlight willingly harvests any potential seeds. This is the miserable existence we all have to look forward to. This is the future we have created for ourselves. The clock is ticking.

Top 10 Worst People on the CTA

There are certain people on the CTA that exist exclusively as a catalyst, a hastily lit match to the dwindling fuse that is your sanity. The anger is often exaggerated because in your groggy, frustrated haze it becomes impossible to determine the reason for this uninhibited hatred. I’m not talking about the dude in a wizard hat taking a dump in a can of Yankee beans while reciting his favorite quotes from Mork and Mindy. He’s his own brand of crazy. I’m talking about the people that appear like you and me…but are actually the moral dregs that are ruining this society.

All you can really tell is you’re on the verge of a patented CTA temper tantrum. That morning you were a non-confrontational southern belle, but now you’re a neon clad, hyper-tanned, shredded-up bro…and someone just started grinding on the piece of strange you were trying to land while you were going beast mode at the Mumford show at Lollapalooza. On top of that your $8 B to the L got spilled. An aggressive shoving match that never escalates into much more is really the only solution here. Just like the confrontation that’s about to happen on the CTA. Here is a run-down of those people.

10.) Person who is reading trendy book from 8-12 months ago- This person hasn’t read a book since “The Giver” in 5th grade and is really trying to get back into it. They also exclusively read books that are made into movies/TV shows. It’s time to really intellectually challenge themselves with books like “Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” or book 2 in the Game of Thrones series. Doing this is also super impressive to everyone else on the train. You’re clearly way smarter than us as we stand there drooling looking cross eyed at our iPhones. Also, absolutely no better way to pick up chicks. Chicks ALWAYS approach strange dudes and want to discuss if they’re team Edward or team Jacob.

9.) Selfie Taker- We get that your complexion couldn’t look better in that fluorescent, invasive CTA lighting, and the ole MySpace page is begging for a profile pic update but shamelessly making the mousiest/poutiest/mysteriously sexy looking face is enough to make us all gauge our eyes out. No matter the filter, that picture is maxing out at 3 likes and you know it.

8.) The Napper- On one hand I admire The Napper. It’s truly incredible that someone can fall asleep in a traveling hunk of tin filled to the absolute brim with complete and utter strangers. Being that oblivious is insane. On the other hand when the person is using your shoulder blade as their own personal snuggle post/morning breath depository the charm wears off pretty fast. It’s also tough to determine whether the person is alive or deceased at times which is unsettling.

7.) Paparazzi- Every single other person on the CTA is a potential minor celebrity ripe for stalking. That’s the only explanation for tempestuously leering at any text message/Instagram/Facebook in their near proximity. It’s comforting to know that this person is completely emotionally invested in your life. They’re your rock and confidant during that 40 minute commute regardless of you wanting or being aware of it.

6.) The music way too loud with bad headphones person- Being sandwiched between both; morons blasting Skrillex at8 a.m. and people staring longingly out the window listening to Passenger is the worst. That pair of Beats by Dre that were purchased at Big Lots isn’t helping the cause. Not a single note is actually making it to their ear drums. Don’t involve me in that Star Wars theme song as you gaze longingly out the window wondering “Who Shot First.”

5.) The door texter- There’s a 50 person log jam hanging in the balance. Passengers doing what is generally done at their desired stop…getting off the train. But wait! The finishing touches on a perfectly crafted text to the beau is also only a few characters off, might as well finish it. There’s a sliver of space by the open door that everyone can make do with. No reason to experience the slightest inconvenience. That 80 year old man definitely wanted to toss his back out doing the limbo under a Samsung Galaxy!

4.) Guy doesn’t understand personal space- The endowment estimation/perception for this person is severely distorted. It has to be for someone to spread their legs this far apart. It’s likely an over compensation for an early onset of Low-T. I get that exchanging shin denim seems like flirting to you…it isn’t.

3.) The Blowout- It’s a completely packed train that already smells like wet dog on a boiling hot rainy day in August. Even though every other person on the train is holding it, you have to cut that vicious garbage bomb loose. A strict diet of hay, Icehouse, and diseased raccoon meat. Our eyes are now scorched as bad as your ringpiece. Everyone on the train is wondering who’s insides are rotting as you stand there proudly but quietly basking in your own brand.

2.) The Immovable Object- This motionless statue that appears to have somehow stuffed a mini-fridge into it’s Jansport backpack. Confirming that a backpack can in fact have right angles. It’s dictating the position of everyone else on the train. The refusal to put this thing down makes me think its a fashionable camouflage for your hunchback (which is resting inside the backpack itself.) Trying to get off the train? Be prepared to get into a fist fight with whatever the hell is in that backpack. If placed on the ground an additional 8 people could stand comfortably. But statues don’t give a shit.

1.) My bag deserves a seat too person- It’s uncertain if there is any situation at all that would warrant giving your bag a seat on the CTA. Maybe these people are carrying around their great great grandmother’s ashes in a super delicate thin glass urn. Maybe they have a rare breed of Mongolian chinchilla with unnaturally sensitive paws, that when placed on the floor of the CTA causes it mild discomfort. It’s more likely they’re just your run of the mill self-entitled bane of human existence. This person is a beacon for the decline of human society and is undoubtedly listening to Pitbull as we speak.