One Tie All Tie

Home Alone Injury Power Rankings

10.) Falling down icy cement stairs– Hell of an injury to start the night out with. Hard to chase a kid around when your tailbone is sawdust and your vertebras look like someone with a rampant, unchecked case of scoliosis. Luckily Marv and Harry are out of their minds on malt liquor and keyboard duster, literally the only explanation behind persevering past this.

9.) Stepping on ornaments– There is nothing more dangerous than antique ornaments. Rusty and eager to shatter. Ready to find a forever home in a nice soft foot.

8.) Falling from zip wire– Nothing says Christmas like an ACL/MCL blowout and a shattered patellar.  Anything gained from the robberies would be right down the toilet on physical therapy fees. Without health insurance and a proper support system in place, it’s likely neither would walk again.

7.) Paint can to the head– A lifetime of memory loss, recurring migraines, sensitivity to light, all things to look forward to after taking a full can of paint directly to the forehead. Not to mention forgetting who your family members are as you die alone in a hospital bed.

6.) Nail in the bottom of the foot-Every muscle in the foot would be complete spaghetti.

5.) Iron to the head– Slightly higher than the paint can because it bludgeons and gashes. So while you lay there unaware of who you are and losing control of your bodily functions, your vision is also blurred by the blood pouring from your forehead. Can’t imagine anything more disorienting.

4.) Smoldering doorknob maiming– Having your hand turned into a useless bloody cauterized stump would be a day ruiner. Your words per minute would plummet trying to type with that maimed stub, and explaining to your boss the cause for decreased productivity would be super awkward.

3.) Snow shovel to the face– Every bone in your face would instantly melt. The rest of your life your face would be a skin sack holding a bunch of disintegrated bones. Being that horribly disfigured could lead to unwanted questions during future job interviews and dates.

2.) Blow Torch Head– Not only would you be officially sentenced to the unflattering monk haircut for the rest of your life, but you would also smell like burning hair and skin for several weeks. I’ve also heard seeing your own skull can be rather scarring.

1.) Tarred and feathered– That moment when you realize you’ve been completely humiliated and shamed by a 10 year old.