Jay-Z to start expensive, exclusive porn streaming service

Following the resounding and unprecedented success of Tidal, the music streaming service that revolutionized the industry by allowing listeners to pay double what they would for other streaming services, Jay-Z is now making a big splash in another industry. Tidal Dong is Jay-Z’s new premium pornography streaming service, and it’s bound to carve out a mainstay in the lucrative lower half of the Apple app rankings. Right in the meaty part of the curve, where people are vaguely indifferent to its existence. The lack of downloads will be a testament to its exclusivity.

“Porn is almost impossible to get, especially free porn…heh…I wish it was easier but it’s not!” said Jay puffing an obscenely large cigar loosely held between his forefinger and middle finger. “It was the same with music, it’s almost impossible to find and listen to music, so I created an app that wasn’t only ripe with imaginary features, but also gave multi-million dollar celebrities their voice back!”

Now a seemingly aloof Jay-Z looks to do the same in what he claims to be a “vastly untapped porn streaming universe,” noting that there is absolutely no one else with the courage or entrepreneurial fortitude to do what he’s about to do.

“It’s hard to believe no one else thought of this, I’m truly blessed to be so innovative…I mean streaming porn,” pondered Jay aloud, barely able to speak through his enormous smirk “I’m trying to give people like Ron Jeremy their voice back, he lost his voice! HOV! It’s a revolution!”. When asked, Jeremy seemed unaware that he had a voice and was uninterested in getting it back if it was in fact lost.

Jay offered nothing further in terms of what the new endeavor is revolting against, however did confirm the service would be $5,000 a month and offer features like:

  • Unprecedented sound quality that can only be detected through a $50,000 surround sound system
  • The ability to view in 5D whenever it’s invented
  • Ability to stream in outer space
  • Special yacht upgrade package that filters only underwater themed porn while driving around your $500,000 yacht

tidal

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