Cultures taken from singer/songwriter Pitbull’s scalp have confirmed that the top of his head is roughly 2X hotter than the surface of the sun. Experts initially speculated an equivalent temperature but weren’t that surprised when the reading came back at a staggering 54 million degrees Fahrenheit during an encore performance of “Give Me Everything” in Miami. The blinding reflection being generated by his sopping wet head was the first clue. “There’s a lot of contributing factors here,” said independently funded scientist Patrick Gates, who went on to describe a plethora of possible causes including but not limited to:
- Perpetually wearing a tuxedo no matter the weather or occasion
- Soaking head in petroleum bath before performances
- Singing exclusively about non-existent sexual conquests
- Incredibly jerky dance motions, often times bordering on seizing, with copious amounts of deep pelvic thrusts
- Self-proclaiming yourself Mr. Worldwide
All of these should be considered prime suspects in the case of the boiling hot scalp. “A drop of forehead sweat once flew off his protruding brow and blew out the entire sound system, the explosion was unlike anything I’ve ever seen.” said a despondent backup dancer, who chose to remain anonymous. “We’re dealing with an extremely volatile and even hostile surface; it should be approached with extreme caution.” confirmed Gates.
Any type of cooling would disrupt the already unstable glaze. At this point if he isn’t featured on at least 20 songs a year, we could be looking at a total nuclear meltdown. All the world can do is hope Pitbull continues to take over every aspect of our lives. It’s the only option until scientists are able to either defuse or utilize the immense heat being generated by an incredibly frisky bald man.