Hammond, Indiana-In an effort to halt a social media free fall, full of excruciatingly mundane life updates and benign observations void of any personality, an Indiana man has resorted to desperate measures. “People generally like when I post hot takes on current affairs like “Trump is a shapeshifting reptile, like if you agree!” or “I’m house Hufflepuff in the Harry Potter quiz, what house are you!?” but I haven’t been getting the social media recognition necessary to survive,” said Derrick Kibby, as he posted an obligatory HBD on several Facebook friend’s walls whom he hasn’t actually spoken with in years. He notes that this is the only real way to maintain a friendship. HBD.
The lack of social media encouragement from people who could be loosely defined as acquaintances caused Kibby to reach deep in the archives and post a picture from his childhood, thinking the adherence to the inexplicably still popular #TBT would get him the likes he needed. The lack of response to the picture has caused him to question everything.
“How could everyone promptly ignore a picture that proved, at one point in my life, I was a child? My childhood must have been dog shit if it only got three likes…or maybe I was never a child at all and I didn’t get any likes because people found it creepy that I was posting pictures of other peoples children…that must be it,” continued Kibby despondently, visibly shaken knowing that his entire childhood is now in question and that he may or may not have posted a random picture of someone else’s child.
Whoever dies with the most likes wins. Social media validation is the only thing that matters. Three likes means you were never a child at all.
Chicago, IL-An anniversary post proudly announcing to friends and family what is already assumed fact is a pivotal point in any marriage. Very specific, heartfelt emotions about a spouse deserve to transcend merely existing between two people. They should be immortalized on a social media, for the entire world to cherish and judge.
Examined with reverence and heavily reflected upon by a high school acquaintance as they toggle back and forth between PornHub and the earnest Facebook post. They are filled with an overwhelming joy knowing that someone they once spoke to in sophomore year geometry is married to another person they’ve never met and will never meet. Watching the digital evolution of two complete strangers is, after all, one of life’s last miracles.
“I had no idea where my wife and I stood after a year, you couldn’t imagine the relief when I saw her lengthy Facebook post sandwiched between an ad for the last shoes I’ll ever wear and a CNN exposé on the constitutional rights of sex robots” said Phillip Biggins who had waited anxiously for the potential post for weeks.
The post garnered just enough likes to reinforce that, it had in fact been a good year together, thus providing the coveted approval that would fuel the marriage for at least another year. “Stephanie Mackewitz was nowhere to be found in the 12+ likes the post garnered, I thought she would be happy about me announcing that I love my best friend, I guess not,” said Kelly Biggins, a look of resentment growing apparent.
Phillip has since responded with a well-timed post that reads “Love you babe #thisisonlythebeginning.” It has received three likes and a comment since being posted over 6 hours ago.
Chicago, IL-The founders of the Pink Taco have done it again. Created a restaurant concept based exclusively off of a nickname for genitalia given by a guy who once gave Dane Cook a high five at a Fuddruckers in rural Illinois. Beige Log is set to open next month and will be located adjacent to Pink Taco, giving this city the food based sexual innuendo it needed to legitimize itself in the restaurant world.
Much like Pink Taco, Beige Log will serve up unmemorable food to the hordes of Chicago residents with no discernible personality, interests, or ability to recognize themselves as fucking losers.
The restaurant will be khaki forward, in the sense that everything served there must be of taupe origin and must be brutally minced into a grotesque log by the executive chef which happens to be a Bobby Flay sex doll. The first sex doll executive chef in history. We have progress people!
The flesh colored logs come in all sizes, each as boring and tasteless as the person consuming it. Slather up your whistle with a few $9 Michelob Ultras before making a boomerang of yourself suffering down the restaurant’s signature dish “The Dog Log.” And be sure to ask for extra knee caps!
This restaurant proves that no gender should be left out in choosing a horrific restaurant name, though it will still likely have a racially charged dress code. Because if you’re not wearing a pair of crotchless Lululemons, you certainly don’t have the social status to eat at the truly divine Beige Log.
Rockford, Illinois-An e-cigarette and e-cigarette accessory store has created an offer that will submerge you in the illusive vape culture that has escaped so many. Rivaled only by the Free Masons in terms of barriers to entry and undying dedication, vape ethos has seemed impossibly distant to normal people. But VaperzParadize in Rockford Illinois is changing everything with their new vape starter kit. A kit that thrusts you into forbidden realm and gives you the tools you need to succeed at relentlessly sucking on a device that has roughly the same dimensions as a Capri Sun and filled with cotton candy flavored nicotine water.
VaperzParadize realizes that vaping isn’t just some transitory fad, it is a way of life. Something that defines you. To elevate the already predisposed assumption of sophistication that accompanies vaping, four completely essential items are included with all e-cigarette purchases.
- Fedora-Nothing accentuates four flaccid fingers awkwardly holding an e-cigarette like a fucking fedora. Pulled straight from Rob Kardashian’s new “Big Head Small Hat” line
- Criss Angel Master Mindfreak Volume 6 Blueray DVD-The only thing cooler than vaping is magic, more importantly not knowing how to do any magic, but being a celebrity magic connoisseur
- Blue Tooth Headset-Why bother holding a phone when you could be double fisting two vapes of differeing flavors while chatting with buddies about consuming loneliness and the prospect of being a failure of a father someday
- 10% off Tilted Kilt coupon-No real explanation needed for a 10% off coupon for a restaurant of this esteem. Buckets of domestics and wondering why you’ve been crying yourself to sleep for weeks. Also the feeling of cantaloupe flavored vapor delicately whisking a Wicked Boston Big Arse Burger down your cram-hole is completely unrivaled
So jumpstart your descent into the mist. Get the e-cigarette you needed not the e-cigarette you deserved.
Hollywood, CA-After a disgraceful exit from network television, ABC executives met last week to discuss the future of Roseanne. In the meeting it was determined that the cardboard palettes of American’s dumb enough to watch network television needed to be cleansed. Washed over with another reheated, cereal bowl of skim milk and chased with a fistful equally hot cantaloupe innards.
It was time to truly show the country what the network stood for and create something that the country as a whole could cherish and call their own.
Enter Roseanne 2, ABC’s newest and most ambitious endeavor yet.
Roseanne 2 is set to launch next week and will star the only man 100% of American’s trust, Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey will star as Roseanne and, as such, has agreed to undergo a scalp replacement surgery with the real Roseanne Barr in an effort to capture the true essence of the character. Similar to the surgery seen in the movie Face Off, but fortunately limited to scalps only.
The horrifying monstrosity that is born will undoubtedly unite the nation with zany hijinks. Watch at Steve Harvey wheels around New York City on a Segway made out of deli meat pegging people in the face with full cans of Mountain Dew Code Red and drawing caricatures of rat families by the peer. And once a week, he’ll play a solo game of Russian roulette with a t-shirt cannon full of garlic knots from Sbarro.
So tune in now, because you can’t even wipe your own ass!
Chicago, IL-On Tuesday, an employee turned to the divine in an effort to sustain solitude whilst in the throes of a midafternoon ring piece onslaught after dabbling in a tray of Potbelly sandwiches, which were left out for an indeterminable amount of time.
“Once the door opens and the eager footsteps of a sniveling coworker become audible, there are certain desperate promises made to the Lord Almighty. Those promises are obviously exchanged for a moment of divine influence in which that coworker occupies anywhere in the bathroom except the stall adjacent to you,” said Bill Biscane, carefully turning his name badge over to maintain some level of perceived anonymity.
“My first born is not out of the question,” continued Biscane bracing himself for more carnage.
Like most people, Biscane is under the impression that, if there is a god, he/she/it would surely prove their existence by intervening in lifeless corporate bathroom scenarios. The perfect setting to prove their divine power and convert skeptics.
Unfortunately, the footsteps slowed and settled in the stall adjacent. Leaving Biscane sitting on the can pondering that he is in fact completely alone.
Chicago, IL-On Tuesday, a faceless and wholly beige employee with a productive cough was scene proudly riding the elevator down a single floor. The prospect of ten or so stairs proved too daunting for the person who spends the entirety of their day resting like cloth goiter from an outdated desk chair.
The rest of the elevator suffered in silence, a quiet rage settled in as the additional several seconds spent dropping the insect on his floor becomes an excruciating undertaking. Audible sighs were exchanged coupled with a ceremonial passive aggressive jamming of the close button in a futile attempt to humiliate the person enough into reconsidering their decision next time.
The employee remained predictably unaware, apparently having a me week, a me month, a me year. Gazing purposefully into a rousing game of bubble shooter. After the doors opened on their floor, the sick fuck looked almost surprised, as though they expected the elevator to somehow take longer, or drop him off in an unknown land. Uncertainty takes hold and more precious seconds dissolve as they grow inexplicably more confused.
Finally satisfied with the floor choice, the employee exited the elevator, to promptly become someone else’s burden.
Inspiring triumphs like slowly gating down a dozen concrete stairs certainly lie ahead for this person, just not today.
Mundelein, IL-An area woman who has been spewing her uninteresting consciousness onto Instagram for unfortunate followers to lap up and occasionally give an obligatory “like” to in an effort to maintain a dwindling friendship, has come under fire after followers realized there was virtually no difference in her daily “vibes” posts.
In order to fill the momentary gap in which there is absolutely nothing else to announce, share, react to, or offer an ill-informed opinion on, one woman has resorted to posting a flurry of heavily filtered selfies with indeterminable, albeit emotionless expressions accompanied by thoughtless captions like “Friday Vibes.”
Followers became suspicious after every single day of the week’s vibe appeared identical, raising concern whether or not the person is a computer program attempting to convince the world it was human.
“People deserve to know what I’m feeling! Even if it’s literally nothing at all!” said the woman passively scrolling through an endless world of meaningless content.
(This in no way reflects the person below who vehemently opposes vibez pics, tho the picture was just too perfect not to use)
Deer Creek, IN-Concert footage taken from an Eddie Money cover band at a matinee show at Deer Creek has been deemed sadder than Manchester by the Sea. The footage was taken, and posted gleefully on social media, by someone you went to high school with that remains firmly planted in your home town like an old oak tree draped in Pacific Sun and slathered in Hooters buffalo sauce.
The grainy video, taken from a Samsung Galaxy S3, surfaced on Instagram and functioned as a beacon of contempt to anyone who questioned the state of that person’s life. Taken from 600 level seating, zoomed in enough to see hints of the Eddie Money cover band on one of the video screens, and ripe with boastful hashtags (#bestlife #blessed #somuchfun #livinthedream), the video purposed for envy, instead instilled sadness.
The pinnacle of the last decade for this person, distilled into a 12 second Instagram clip, was arguably more depressing than a back to back feature of Faces of Death and Manchester by the Sea.
Hammond, IN-The loose definition of a miracle is a transcendent or otherwise unique happening that occurs most commonly in desperate circumstances. When the human spirit faces imminent defeat and the only thing left to do is to surrender itself to the unknown.
And for some reason, these special moments are drawn to the holiday season, lured by the stench of stale egg nog, strip mall snow mounds, empty consumerism and assorted obligations.
A family in the quiet town of Hammond was fortunate enough to experience something that by all accounts qualifies as a miracle in Northern Indiana. After seeing a twinkling star (which ended up being a drone) above the town’s Circuit City, the family heeded the recreational flying device’s beckoning and made the lengthy pilgrimage to the outdated electronics store where their savior was born.
With hopes of finding gifts to exchange and discard, which is undoubtedly what their savior would have wanted after rising on the third day from a tomb in a Buffalo Wild Wings, the family bought what they believed would make the perfect Christmas.
As the gift opening commenced, each family member eagerly tore into the glittery wrapping paper, prepared to contort their face into the look of excitement that had been tirelessly rehearsed. Each gift birthed slowly into the world with a predictable mild enthusiasm…but what could this be?! A $10 iTunes gift card? No! Not one $10 iTunes gift card but four, one for each family member! Oh what a sight to behold!
The family members quickly explained their reasoning for buying the other member a $10 iTunes gift card, noting that they had observed a vague interest in either music or film from the receiver of the gift. They each retreated into the solace of their iPhones to spend their spoils on an HD movie rental or the partial purchase of an album.