Chicago, IL-On Tuesday, a faceless and wholly beige employee with a productive cough was scene proudly riding the elevator down a single floor. The prospect of ten or so stairs proved too daunting for the person who spends the entirety of their day resting like cloth goiter from an outdated desk chair.
The rest of the elevator suffered in silence, a quiet rage settled in as the additional several seconds spent dropping the insect on his floor becomes an excruciating undertaking. Audible sighs were exchanged coupled with a ceremonial passive aggressive jamming of the close button in a futile attempt to humiliate the person enough into reconsidering their decision next time.
The employee remained predictably unaware, apparently having a me week, a me month, a me year. Gazing purposefully into a rousing game of bubble shooter. After the doors opened on their floor, the sick fuck looked almost surprised, as though they expected the elevator to somehow take longer, or drop him off in an unknown land. Uncertainty takes hold and more precious seconds dissolve as they grow inexplicably more confused.
Finally satisfied with the floor choice, the employee exited the elevator, to promptly become someone else’s burden.
Inspiring triumphs like slowly gating down a dozen concrete stairs certainly lie ahead for this person, just not today.
Mundelein, IL-An area woman who has been spewing her uninteresting consciousness onto Instagram for unfortunate followers to lap up and occasionally give an obligatory “like” to in an effort to maintain a dwindling friendship, has come under fire after followers realized there was virtually no difference in her daily “vibes” posts.
In order to fill the momentary gap in which there is absolutely nothing else to announce, share, react to, or offer an ill-informed opinion on, one woman has resorted to posting a flurry of heavily filtered selfies with indeterminable, albeit emotionless expressions accompanied by thoughtless captions like “Friday Vibes.”
Followers became suspicious after every single day of the week’s vibe appeared identical, raising concern whether or not the person is a computer program attempting to convince the world it was human.
“People deserve to know what I’m feeling! Even if it’s literally nothing at all!” said the woman passively scrolling through an endless world of meaningless content.
(This in no way reflects the person below who vehemently opposes vibez pics, tho the picture was just too perfect not to use)
Deer Creek, IN-Concert footage taken from an Eddie Money cover band at a matinee show at Deer Creek has been deemed sadder than Manchester by the Sea. The footage was taken, and posted gleefully on social media, by someone you went to high school with that remains firmly planted in your home town like an old oak tree draped in Pacific Sun and slathered in Hooters buffalo sauce.
The grainy video, taken from a Samsung Galaxy S3, surfaced on Instagram and functioned as a beacon of contempt to anyone who questioned the state of that person’s life. Taken from 600 level seating, zoomed in enough to see hints of the Eddie Money cover band on one of the video screens, and ripe with boastful hashtags (#bestlife #blessed #somuchfun #livinthedream), the video purposed for envy, instead instilled sadness.
The pinnacle of the last decade for this person, distilled into a 12 second Instagram clip, was arguably more depressing than a back to back feature of Faces of Death and Manchester by the Sea.
Hammond, IN-The loose definition of a miracle is a transcendent or otherwise unique happening that occurs most commonly in desperate circumstances. When the human spirit faces imminent defeat and the only thing left to do is to surrender itself to the unknown.
And for some reason, these special moments are drawn to the holiday season, lured by the stench of stale egg nog, strip mall snow mounds, empty consumerism and assorted obligations.
A family in the quiet town of Hammond was fortunate enough to experience something that by all accounts qualifies as a miracle in Northern Indiana. After seeing a twinkling star (which ended up being a drone) above the town’s Circuit City, the family heeded the recreational flying device’s beckoning and made the lengthy pilgrimage to the outdated electronics store where their savior was born.
With hopes of finding gifts to exchange and discard, which is undoubtedly what their savior would have wanted after rising on the third day from a tomb in a Buffalo Wild Wings, the family bought what they believed would make the perfect Christmas.
As the gift opening commenced, each family member eagerly tore into the glittery wrapping paper, prepared to contort their face into the look of excitement that had been tirelessly rehearsed. Each gift birthed slowly into the world with a predictable mild enthusiasm…but what could this be?! A $10 iTunes gift card? No! Not one $10 iTunes gift card but four, one for each family member! Oh what a sight to behold!
The family members quickly explained their reasoning for buying the other member a $10 iTunes gift card, noting that they had observed a vague interest in either music or film from the receiver of the gift. They each retreated into the solace of their iPhones to spend their spoils on an HD movie rental or the partial purchase of an album.
Rockford, Illinois-An area man who recently took a hiatus from Facebook to protest negativity and politics as a whole from his like-minded digital ecosystem of friends has made his triumphant return after an admirable three day stand.
“I was just sick of it all, on every one of my 300 daily logins I would see something that I either agreed with or disagreed with…I had to the unthinkable…something that would shake people that passively tolerate me to their core,” said Phillip Biggins frantically refreshing his browser to see who had commented or liked his message announcing his official return.
Though most people remained vaguely aware of the protest, the grueling three day demonstration was courageous on every level, and certainly as impactful as thousands of people collectively gathering to stand up against intolerance and oppression.
“Someone had to do it…heroes are made…not born…and I’ll do it again by god…I’ll disappear from one of my social media outlets for a week next time…then they’ll be really sorry,” continued Biggins with a prideful gleam in his eye as he posted a picture of himself smugly sipping a cup of coffee nestled delicately between his two hands.
If only more people had the courage and conviction to briefly retire from a recreational social media site only to return in a blaze of self-congratulatory splendor days later.
Chicago, IL-In an effort to eliminate the possibility of being perceived as unfunny, one Chicago resident is resurrecting the reliable method of wearing a shirt promoting the internet equivalent of a soiled Maxim magazine: The Chive. “They took the British saying of “Keep Calm and Carry On” but replaced Calm with Chive…the name of the website,” said Phillip Biggins, cracking into Corona Light while enjoying a fresh episode of the Big Bang Theory.
The cleverness of the shirt is rivaled only by the allure of being someone that enjoys content, but not enough to actually read anything, appreciative of tired puns, and is a connoisseur of cleavage shots and thong pics.
“Anyone sees me out in this thing they know I’m all about staring at content! Hilarious! Who wants to hear some Wedding Crashers quotes? Anyone see the new GIF of that guy tranquilizing himself and cramming his junk into a microwaved watermelon full of Cabo Wabo? I’ll bring it up now!” continued Biggins whose personality consists of romantic comedy movie quotes and horrifying viral videos.
Biggins remains firmly single, romantically or otherwise, his elevated comedic sense has afforded him that much. And though he has no discernible individuality, at least the world knows he shares the same proclivities of hundreds of thousands of like-minded goons.
In an effort to capture the current climate of humanity, Sandals Resort has opened an all-inclusive resort located in the floating mass of assorted trash just off the coast of California. Resort guests can look forward to the same cultureless void that Sandals traditionally offers in other countries, but this time they’ll be on an island of garbage in which the only culture is a singular budget friendly couple’s resort. Instead of walking on white sand in a pair of linen pants guests will get to feel a mixture of steaming hot sewage crawl through their toes as it breaches their economy hazmat suit.
Wading around in human filth in a shoddy hazmat suit while you struggle for consciousness is just one of the many activities at the new Sandals location. Guests will also be treated to the resident Jimmy Buffet Caribbean cover band “Breeze’n,” a group of ex-convicts that have been living against their will on the island and have learned to play the song Margaritaville using seagull carcasses and DVD cases. Don’t forget to tip!
And let’s not forget about the crowning achievement…the group snorkeling trip. The trip is led by Thomas Jane, the guy who seemed pretty good at snorkeling in Deep Blue Sea and still holds a massive vendetta against all underwater life. Guests will explore the sprawling rat ecosystem that has arisen underneath the trash vortex. Swim amongst thousands of enchanting nests and schools of swimming rats who have inexplicably developed gills and human intelligence. And of course, witnessing Thomas Jane slaughter hordes of rats in the most violent ways imaginable.
Close out the day by laying in the smoldering sun and guzzling discarded Boones Farm swill out of a mop bucket. All at a fraction of the cost of other resorts! So why wait…put that spark back in your relationship today…with a species of evolved rats in a garbage patch on the sun!
Hammond, IN-A Tinder user leveraging a shirtless picture of himself wearing a tilted cowboy hat and casually tugging on one side of his jeans to reveal a waxed upper groin, has finally given up. After a 900 day dry-spell in which he received no matches, he’s decided to utilize the glamour shot he paid for on another platform in an effort to increase his return on investment.
“It’s a huge part of my personality, I wanted to let women know that I’m a guy who lasered off his pubes, enjoys the movie Varsity Blues, and does P90X once a week,” said Ryan Price coolly sipping a Michelob Ultra at a bar that will once again provide fruitless in his quest to end a truly excruciating drought.
“I know some company is going to see my picture and think…this is a guy who has a slightly below average body, an even lower IQ and would absolutely KILL IT on a Bluetooth,” continued Price as he fantasized about a new office of women who want absolutely nothing to do with him.
Price hypothesizes that the picture may have been a little too business forward to be successful on a trivial app like Tinder. Looking back on the glamour shots he said he regrets not taking one in which he was fully nude and holding the cowboy hat over a barely visible micro-penis.
Since posting the picture Price has already been endorsed for: relentlessly quoting comedies from the early 2000’s, wearing suit coats with jeans, correcting people, vaping and supporting Trump.
Chicago, IL- After another exhausting year, wrestling with insignificance in the butthole of corporate America, staffers sat at an annual five hour long post mortem meeting to dissect other post mortems that may or may not have occurred throughout the year. Goals that had been made and missed or never existed at all. Accolades being given to apparitions that appeared only once a project was complete. Proclamations on improvements to processes that are universally disregarded.
Four and a half hours of platitudes later, the morale of the room had inexplicably dropped. It couldn’t have been the content. It was never the content. One astute manager took notice and recalled something he had read in a management textbook from his class favorite class at University of Phoenix “Perceived intelligence: Doing a job you are unqualified for”. The book read: Employees often times require affirmation, whether verbal or reward based.
A sympathetic glimmer manifested in his eye, a compassionate grin on his lips. How could he have forgotten, Christmas was right around the corner and there had been no mention of any holiday bonus. “I know what some of you are probably thinking,” he said eyeing the room in gleeful anticipation “You’ve all worked very hard this year, and as a token of our gratitude,” several sets of hopeful eyes now rested on him, his strategy was working, “I’ll go ahead and stop the meeting now…give you a half hour of your day back…you guys deserve it,” he concluded, nodding slowly.
One employee threw up violently on the table and they exited in relative silence, a Christmas treat they wouldn’t soon forget.
Mesa Grill, Las Vegas-The stand-off is officially over. Many expected the change years ago, but foolish pride had gotten in the way. Now with ratings plummeting and an audience that has grown accustomed to watching Guy Fieri attempt to wipe his ass with a fistful of pulled pork, Bobby Flay will finally fulfill the simpleminded desires of a nation.
The key to ratings is relatability, which Flay currently lacks. Having a real name, showing an aptitude for cooking, and not being in constant state of severe perspiration, are all mechanisms for displaying a superiority to the common viewer. Having visible heart palpitations, while your forehead glistens like a newborn lamb as you wrestle with a trash can full of Italian beef is seen as highly relatable. With this in mind, Bobby Flay has legally changed his name to Bobby “The Steak Dude” FiletTM.
Armed with an idiotic steak hat and a super soaker full of A1 Steak Sauce, FiletTM has several new shows coming to the Cooking network. “Meat or nah?” is a show in which Filet fires a t-shirt gun full of a mystery substance into the face of a blindfolded contestant, they must determine if the substance was meat or not before the timer runs out and they’re forced to butt funnel a 72 oz. ribeye!
“Vodka Sirloin” is a program in which FiletTM travels around the country and disregards various specialty menu items to order and consume a sirloin slathered in well-vodka. With new catch phrases like “Steaktown U.S.A,” “Make America Steak Again,” “X-X-X-X-X-XTRA M-M-M-M-EDIUM” and “Woops I just blew my…signature A1 sauce on that knuckle steak!,” Bobby Filet TM has become the insufferable cartoon we all wanted.