Kentucky County clerk, Kim Davis, refused another batch of marriage licenses today before promptly returning to her urine soaked La-Z-Boy and petting one of the thousand cats currently living in her apartment. “I’ve married every single one of these beautiful, beautiful creatures…it’s what God would have wanted!” exclaimed Davis gargling a mouthful of chewing tobacco. “Cats are where I draw the line; I’m not crazy enough to marry a bunch of gays!” She continued as she wildly relieved herself in one of the litter boxes scattered around the house, the elastic on her sweatpants heavily worn.

Several cats wandered around the house in what appeared to be home-made, animal sized wedding garments. Davis described each suit and dress taking nearly five years to sew to perfection, noting that every wedding should be special and unique. “Do you really think I have time to deal with the B.S. going on right now? As you can see Muffy and Mr. Paws have a genuine, undying love connection, I would never deprive them of what they deserve!” shrieked Davis now carefully cutting the eyes out of a photograph and writing I Love You in Band-Aids in a deplorable smelling bathroom. Each cat appeared as unhappy as the next.

No one knows what will happen next, but we can all feel a little better knowing that cats are now being issued marriage licenses by a bigoted lunatic.