Chicago, IL-In an act of transcendent affection, a husband has
changed his iPhone background from a stock photo of rolling waves to a
generously face tuned picture of his wife. Though the picture is more often
than not immediately disregarded in favor of a video containing a Barstool
Sports employee beating his meat into a dip spit bottle or a squat themed
fitness model account, her heavily contoured face and dead eyes remain ever
present in the glowing light. The couple had argued painstakingly over which
picture to use, they considered the suffocating boredom a rite of passage for
married couples, and ultimately ended up choosing an particularly excruciating
picture of her wearing a cardigan in a pumpkin patch.
A true testament to anyone unfortunate enough to glance at the phone on public transit that he is in a sexless marriage brimming with resentment and regret.
“Whenever I use my bloated fingers to limply unlock my phone and play Candy Crush Saga, I catch a momentary glimpse of my sweet rose Rachel, whom I love so dearly. There’s undeniable proof right here, I love her so much that I made her a background, how neat is that?” said Patrick Kibby adjusting his Patagonia quarter zip sweatshirt and pissing his pants onto his All Bird shoes. “The ole ball and chain,” continued Kibby, who at this point is a walking trope of a reheated sitcom husband.
Though Kibby is otherwise emotionally and physically distant and refuses to compromise on virtually any disagreement they have, at least he seamlessly disregards the mandated background picture of his one true love before mindlessly spooning in another heaving portion of content into his drooling mouth.