One Tie All Tie

You’ve been eating this fruit ALL WRONG

If you think this is just another tiresome, chicken shit click-bait article that will send you spiraling into an existential crisis after you waste another 5-minutes of your dwindling life reading about a new way to skin decorative kiwis than you’re in for a treat. Eating the equivalent of hot dog filler in a fruit bowl, otherwise known as cantaloupe, can be SO confusing, there’s never a real way to tell what is fruit and what is rind until you’re passing it days later! Well that’s because eating a cantaloupe isn’t as simple as cutting it in half and scooping out the clearly defined, edible orange middle.

No…eating the orange excess, the lips and asshole filler in fruit salads is a much more involved process, but because you clicked on another infuriatingly vague article title that was crammed down your throat by steadfast advertisers you’ll be rewarded with this new incredible way to eat cantaloupe.

  1. Place entire cantaloupe in a pot of boiling hot water, reducing it to a pulpy broth
  2. Take a hefty syringe that was previously used to administer horse tranquilizers and slide delicately into the pot, extracting a substantial amount of the lumpy soup
  3. Suspend yourself from the ceiling in the sex swing that has been collecting dust and wrap Saran Wrap smothered in Vaseline around head no less than 15 times
  4. Plunge syringe directly into forehead and ease the musky bisque into your skull until you’ve reached your fill
  5. Examine the sewage left behind in the comment section by moral dregs idiotic enough to dwell on a chicken shit, targeted article
  6. Share nutritous snack idea with friends who will promptly ignore it