Granger, Indiana-Nothing accentuates a brutal fire and brimstone pummeling like a lifeless attempt at humor, as was the case at Sunday’s gloriously executed three hour long children’s mass at Saint John the Apostle church. As most church goers stared hopelessly into the soiled papers that compiled the Mass timeline, perplexed by its density, Father Mike began to really hit his stride.

“The key to laughter and more broadly happiness, is grinding people down into a numbing, spiritual stupor. First hit them with an ancient creed THEN pepper in a joke about eternal damnation being worse than the local football team,” said Father Mike enjoying a heaping portion of unleavened bread.

The laughter that followed the joke was involuntary and joyless, several audience members opened their mouths in a laughing motion without actually making a sound. “I find myself way more jovial existing in a state of unrelenting guilt and judgement,” said one attendee, looking fearfully at Father Mike pacing around the altar.

Some people say that song is more powerful than prayer, though the ultimate form of worship is dull laughter caused by the fear of God.