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Guy Fieri gets Secretary of Health nom nom nom nomination

The blatant racism, sexism and laundry list of failed businesses seemed like enough to instill a sense of trust and commonality within the American public. And now the finale…a seething, disgusting exclamation point to what is likely the beginning of the end for us all. Though the absurdity of the campaign drew many experts to this conclusion months ago, Trump has officially named Guy Fieri as Secretary of Health for his cabinet of totally qualified experts. “It was the only logical thing to do,” said Trump giving his deceased hair frosted tips. “This is the only guy America loves as much as me! Plus the residents of Flavortown are a minority worth representing! ” he continued his Adams apple struggling against the newly dawned metal ball choker.

“HAHA, ZAOWEEEEE! Cowabungaburger! Do you get any tater with that gator?!” exclaimed Fieri upon hearing the news. “I wasn’t sure I would be ready but once Trump started talking about his meat, I couldn’t resist! Hey where’d my stein of Mountain Dew Code Red go? Arhooooga!” continued Fieri as the blood from a mouthful of raw bison meat trickles onto his Ed Hardy shirt.

Many people believe this is a strategic move to add some intellectual firepower to a campaign in desperate need of it. Fieri’s intellect is exponentially greater than Trumps that’s clear to see. His elevated vocabulary and sense of style set him worlds apart from Trump already. And though his way of making money involves using a pitchfork to cram a bowling ball of pulled chicken, at least he’s actually making money.

This Trump presidency just got way scarier.