Chicago, IL-Any given 30th birthday begins the process of easing into consuming laziness and ordinariness. As you wade through the tepid waters of middle-aged adulthood and the pee filled lazy river sweeps you from your ergonomically correct desk chair, friends and family alike gather to celebrate the occasion.
Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights were no different for Phillip Biggins, a Naperville native, who spent most of his childhood fantasizing about a lavish 30th birthday in Chicago. A statement milestone that people would discuss for the next decade. 30 years of disappointment culminated in three nights of forced fun.
“When I saw my favorite band ever, Hairbangers Ball, was doing three nights at Joe’s on Weed…one of the classiest country western themed bars this city has to offer, I knew my fate was sealed,” said Biggins, fondly reminiscing on the glorious buckets of overpriced domestic beers, remaining oblivious to the fact that Hairbangers Ball is a cover band and that Joe’s on Weed is slightly more depressing than any given Bar Louie in Northern Indiana.
The weeks leading up to the event were ripe with a quiet suffering from friends and family, an unsurmountable reluctance to ruin a precious weekend. A consuming dread, knowing the amount of booze needed to make the event tolerable would shave years off their lives. A war of attrition would be waged after paying a $10 cover at a stupid country western bar.
“It was incredible! The best was when I threw up all over myself and sprinted on the stage fully nude! I’m banned for life with several felony charges pending but that’s 30 right?!” continued Biggins visibly realizing that it may have been the worst three day stretch of any attendee’s life.