Washington, D.C.-As expected the 58th Presidential Inauguration began with all of the legitimacy of a county fair in southern Indiana. Just as the customary Hoobastank cover band (Hoobastunk) was concluding their set, the lights cut out, and the sprinkler system began bleeding Mountain Dew Code Red over the faces of the elated faithful.
As the frenzy peaked and Hoobastunk kicked into an extended version of “The Reason,” the slow creak of a rusted tricycle became audible from behind the stage. A robed and bandaged Mike Pence emerged and began pushing a bloated, fully sized doll, which appeared to have soiled itself, onto the stage.
Several members of the audience noticed an idiotic red tie stuffed crudely below a Jigsaw mask which appeared to be holding on for dear life over a nest of orange hair. This coupled with racism and stupidity are noticeable staples of none other than President elect Donald J. Trump. As the swarm of drooling insects erupted in the arena, the doll took the microphone and began to speak.
“Hello America, I want to play a game. Until now you have spent your life under a regime that promoted tolerance and positivty. Existing in relative happiness. But I know that you don’t want that, or do you? The man in front of you today will cause the extinction of the human race. That is, unless I’m impeached. To initiate the impeachment process you must watch a video of me. In it, I lay fully nude in a bed of human hair and get violently pissed on by a herd of very rude…male goats. Will you do what it takes to save mankind?” said Trump, his voice muffled behind the mask, his suit reeking of animal urine.
He exited the stage just as quickly as he entered, explaining to reporters afterwards that he is choosing the Jigsaw persona because he wanted to become more relatable and have a more sympathetic existence than he does now.