In an effort to capture every moment of a completely vacant life; Kim Kardashian has elected to have both arms replaced by selfie sticks. “There needs to be more selfies of me, plain and simple…this was the logical conclusion” said Kim looking seemingly thousands of miles into the distance. She went on to describe different looks and poses that people likely haven’t seen like brooding at a birthday party or duck faced sulking at a Lakers game.
“Having selfie sticks as arms will give me so much more range and because selfie sticks are so timeless…this is a decision I def. won’t regret, like ever.” Continued Kim through perched lips, unblinking.
The operation is relatively simple; it involves crudely fashioning two idiotic looking sticks into the shoulder sockets where the arms used to be. These sticks cannot be used for anything else but to take pictures that are angled upwards as though whoever is taking the picture has excessively long arms. Appearing as though you have a seven foot shiny arm is one thing; actually having one is something entirely different. Kim appears ready to make the leap, having already agreed to produce 1,000 more coffee table selfie books. There is simply nothing more artistic than a cheap plastic obstruction protruding from the bottom of every picture taken with a selfie stick.
Because the selfie sticks will render her unable to perform any basic human function, save creating disposable digital waste, there will be a team of butlers charged with feeding and dressing her along with plenty of other less glorious tasks associated with human upkeep. “The Kardashians have always been about creating jobs for Americans” mumbled Kim through pursed lips.
The true beauty of selfie sticks are that they make all of your pictures look completely identical while also inconveniencing everyone around you.