Hollywood, CA – For the first time in bachelorette history the show will feature not one, but two women held together by prescription pills, a vague love for the Bible, and an undying hope to find someone equally uninteresting to tolerate for a few months while acquiring instagram followers. Hannah B is the official bachelorette BUT the secondary head she grew as part of the talent portion for the last Mrs. Alabama competition will ALSO be handing out roses. Or should I say teething out roses! 

“What y’all didn’t see on last nights announcement show, because she was covered by a crudely made burlap sack, was Hannah T. y’all! She deserves true love too!” Said Hannah B. feeding a fistful of medical waste to the misshapen gremlin growing from her neck. 

Hannah T. was groomed and grown to impress beauty pageant judges, but now she just takes 50% of the oxygen going to Hannah B’s brain, creating two beings who have trouble performing basic human functions. Allowing the second head to give out roses is a hugely progressive move by the bachelor, as in the past they had discriminated against homegrown secondary heads created for vanity. 

“I think they’re both REALLY hot and I could see myself falling in love one day” mumbles one of the faceless beige skin sacks through a pair of blinding and completely enormous veneers. 

I think we can all be very excited for this season of THE BACHELORETTE!