Chicago, IL – A heroic albeit barbaric ritual took place on a packed train car the Thursday before last. Two modern day gladiators tested the limits of the human spirit as they dueled with something far more dangerous than swords or daggers. Two oversized backpacks. Rubbing against each other with all of the vigor of an angry Yelp review.

The traditional gladiator body exchanged for the shape and consistency of a bruised pear. Armor exchanged for a Canada Good jacket. Stoic faces for swollen cheeks, pursed lips and a self-satisfying grin rendered from a lifetime of entitlement.

The two men, oblivious to the rest of the packed train, grunted loudly and casted looks of disapproval, careful to avoid any actual physical confrontation. Two titans squaring off in a battle of passive aggressive annoyance, unaware that the rest of the train wasn’t cheering like crowds at the Colosseum, but rather quietly wishing illness and despair on these two pure bred goddamn losers.  

The hope for a mutually assured destruction faded quickly as other passengers realized the two spineless cowards would simply maneuver positioning the rest of the trip, inconveniencing anyone in the vicinity, until mercifully exiting the train…going home to a wife that doesn’t love them or kids that resent them or completely alone.