One Tie All Tie

Three times I mistook Shrek getting out of the shower for your mom’s new Buick Enclave

Car commercials are always super relatable. And they always make me want to buy new cars, which is why I’ve declared bankruptcy over a hundred times and currently live in a 1999 Chevy Malibu that I forced the fine people at Pep Boys to convert into a ragtop convertible after I threatened to expose the fact they’ve been using horse knuckles for tires for the last decade.

But the new Buick Enclave commercial REALLY hits home. Where a group of kids walk out and say…how are we ever going to fit into your mom’s Buick! Then the mom turns smugly to the camera, pupils as big as saucers, a mouth full of drool and a pair of sopping wet sweatpants and says “That’s not my Buick you button nosed little fuck…THAT is my Buick” thrusting a shocker symbol towards a hulking beast of a car.

And I fully relate to this! Because there’s a public shower in a park near my house, and I have repeatedly mistook a recently showered, incredibly damp Shrek for your mom’s Buick Enclave! Though he is bloated, green and stinks of a neglected chicken coop, he still slightly resembles the new luxury offering from Buick!

  1. Friday last week I heard groaning in the park across the street, I assumed it was your mom’s Buick Enclave but it turned out to be Shrek finishing his morning shower
  2. Thursday the week before, I heard a garbled version of the song la cucaracha and assumed it was your mom’s Buick Enclave, but that is the noise Shrek makes when breaking wind
  3. Tuesday the week before that, I saw several children entering his mouth and assumed it was your mom’s Buick Enclave, but it was just Shrek eating children