Chicago, IL –In an act of undying generosity, a friend you knew from college is selling assorted, heavily used goods that are unfit for this world. You are a mere witness in what appears to be the complete and utter unraveling of a human in the form of several Facebook Marketplace posts with varying sad items at delusional prices.
Any interest in this ball of lotion boogers that’s been accrued over the past decade for $20?
How about a pilled, nearly translucent white sweater that has served as a fart catcher on a sweaty computer chair? $55
What about a pair of shoes that have molded exclusively to my gnarled hoofs? $50
What about a lava lamp full of dip spit? $35
How about a kick ass neon beer sign that says “It’s not alcoholism if you’re banging chicks”? $100
Any interest in a burned Dane Cook CD where the second half of it is a bootleg recording of a Lumineers concert I went to? $20
Each item serves as another deflating gust of sorrow, leaking the sulfurous smell of failure into the eyes of unfortunate onlookers. Similar to observing a collapsing Jimmy Neutron balloon from the ceiling of a Dollar General in Northern Indiana, these items, or rather the sale of these items signifies giving up. So go ahead and buy that 28 chamber bong shaped like Jim Belushi’s head, you deserve it.