Washington, D.C. – The country got exactly what it wanted last night, as two elderly men struggling with impotence proved that they’re not quite ready for assisted living but still ready to burden friends and family with their presence.

Now, in a historical evolution of presidential debates, the next engagement will be un-televised and held in the waiting area of a Ponderosa steak house in Northern Indiana. 

“We here at Ponderosa, Hammond, are honored to serve just about anyone,” said restaurant manager Alphonso Knudsen, rolling a ball of snot between his fingers and flicking it into a pile of day old mashed potatoes.

The two potential leaders of the free world will eat knuckle steak, perform the Heimlich on each other to dislodge post dinner mints and even exchange their skid marked briefs at the end of the meal as a sign of respect. It will be moderated by the other old man in the booth adjacent who also severely shit his pants. 

And top it all of? They’ll only be tipping 10% on the already modest bill!

So don’t tune in, but know that these two are eating at a Ponderosa somewhere at some point and maybe shitting their pants in solidarity with other customers. Go America!

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD VOTE FOR BIDEN.