Chicago, IL-A man of humble constitution was seen frantically weaving in and out of morning commuters as he attempted to commence his regular, shirtless morning jog on one of the busiest streets in Chicago. He definitely hadn’t been preparing his entire life for this moment. He definitely didn’t just hit L.A. Tan and certainly didn’t lightly mist his body with extra virgin olive oil for a perfect sheen.
There’s absolutely no chance he could have anticipated people accidentally gazing up at him as he pranced about while screaming the words left and right. His face contorting into an abyss of pain and anguish caused by a lifetime of eating $18 Açaí bowls and wearing only Lululemon. Decades spent perceiving himself as the messiah of leisure running.
He didn’t want any of this. He only wanted a seamless, half-naked jog on one of the most crowded streets in the city in which the pedestrians would simply stand motionless and worship his physique in silence instead of go about their normal daily routine. Inconsiderate little insects.
At least he can go to bed knowing that several people unwillingly looked at his nipples. Rest easy sweet prince, for you convinced several people you’ll never see again that you contain some moderate athletic ability.
XSPORT Fitness, Chicago, IL-On Wednesday, a guy who looked vaguely like Girard Butler’s paunchy cousin during the 2007 shooting of 300 but perceived himself as looking like Girard Butler himself, offered up some ill-informed weight lifting tips to a woman who absolutely didn’t need them.
“Yeah, I finished huffing my pre-workout sock full of rubber cement and saw this helpless chick sitting on the leg press machine, and though I was seeing double and had never used the machine myself, I figured she would appreciate me interrupting her workout to explain how a real man uses the machine, someone who’s watched the movie 300 over 20 times,” said Terry Horvath, loading the machine with several hundred pounds in weights.
The conversation itself ended rather abruptly, just as Terry was explaining and demonstrating how the key to leg pressing was hyperextending your knees and locking them up at the top of the rep, said knees both exploded into a million pieces, Achilles tore like breadsticks in a goddamn Olive Garden commercial and melted onto the floor below and Horvath wept openly, screaming THIS IS SPARTA as the ambulance wheeled him away. One of the braindead trainers picked up the mess left behind and tried to sell it to another member as a great new way to build mass.
“Though I only got one rep in before my knees collapsed…I think she got the idea, she’ll probably ask me to take her to GNC soon, I know a guy that can hook me up with 5% off with purchase of a 300 lb protein jug” continued Horvath, during another week at rehab. Doctors say that with a lot of hardwork and a little luck, he may be able to walk again.
Chicago, IL-A man wearing newly minted luxury workout gear, a visor and athletic shades was seen absolutely giving it to an elliptical machine late last Thursday. He remained on the machine for hours as onlookers stared on in horror at the flailing mass of limbs, his legs moving so quickly at times that they slipped from the idiotic looking foot holders of the elliptical, which was set at a zero resistance setting. His agonized face searching for absolutely anyone to make eye contact with. So that he could, without bothersome words, express juts how hard he was giving it to that elliptical machine.
Sweat poured down as the man performed classic elliptical tricks like stopping and going in reverse and standing on one foot while using only his arms to propel himself, all universally understood to be completely ineffective at actually burning calories. All designed to look as frisky as humanely possible.
The neon yellow tank top, oversized Beats by Dre wireless headphones and long tights underneath running shorts all contributed to the intensity of fitness illusion, as each horribly executed revolution of the elliptical inched his knee closer to a career ending blowout. As he finally climbed off the machine that he had driven into the ground for the last two and a half hours, he looked back in satisfaction, neglecting to wipe the pool of sweat that had gathered on the monitor.
58 calories burned in two and a half hours, time well spent under the fluorescent lights of an XSPORT Fitness.
Chicago, IL-A new fitness center located in River North of Chicago is causing quite the stir amongst the several wealthy people that can afford classes there. “It’s a community and a family, with absolutely no judgement, no pretense and a love for all walks of life,” said one member dabbing his forehead with a freshly caught lobster.
The boutique studio is known only as Theory X and is described as a tibata and barre hybrid with a splash of hot yoga and a garnish of spin with a colonic finish.
Each class is a wholesome, one of a kind experience, which occurs four times a day at hundreds of identical locations across the country. Tailored specifically to instill a sense of purpose, community and undying hubris that absolutely anyone able to pay $300 a class is more than welcome to enjoy.
“All members are required to wear brand new Lululemon to every class, with tags being heavily scrutinized, so the workout ends up being about $450 per,” said another member daintily sipping a slightly chilled acai infused Figi water, positioning herself for yet another post-workout selfie, the slight glisten on her forehead serving as a beacon of hope for anyone stupid enough to simply run outside.
“You can’t put a price on fitness though! Or instagram content for that matter!” Continued the member forgetting that fitness is objectively free. The promotion to buy 10 classes then also pay for the 11th, and then be locked into a 5-year-long blood contract has almost expired, so ask yourself…are you ready to #Theory?
Chicago, IL-Like committing to a New Year’s resolution of physical and spiritual wellness but know that moderation in any aspect of your life is virtually impossible? Know that you’re going to let yourself go a mere week into the New Year? Enjoy biodegradable clothing that disintegrates into fish food one week after purchase? Lululemon has you covered!
The newest completely unreasonable line from Lululemon called “It’s a me year”, promotes an existence of all-consuming excess that benefits only you for an entire year. The high performance athletic cloths are designed to empower and instill confidence in men and women by encouraging that it’s completely ok to just give up.
The cloths are constructed to withstand three moderately paced workouts before crumbling into a flakey powder that serves as a nutrient for most aquatic life. The days of unused workout cloths plaguing your closet are over and the days of a healthier, more robust fish tank have just begun.
So live selfishly, dress out of your means, and just quit…after all…it is YOUR year!
Good at relentlessly pressuring unassuming friends and relatives into buying fictional weight loss products? Ever wanted to create your very own imaginary business, selling imaginary products to real people? What about making marginal amounts of money in a sophisticated pyramid business structure? Well what’re you doing still sitting there? Sign your soul over to us at ItWorxxx Bodzzz and create enough debt for a lifetime of hawking our chicken shit products.
Once you sign up you will be sent over $250,000 of completely non-refundable merchandise that you must sell within a month or you are sent another $250,000 of non-refundable merchandise. This will continue until you die in which case your family will inherit the entirety of your debt and the responsibility for selling body wraps. That’s right every person in your life will be enjoy this horrible burden as their own!
In the unlikely scenario in which you exceed $250,000 in sales by selling dirty bandages that allegedly trigger immediate weight loss, you will be rewarded with an ItWorxxx Bodzzz lanyard, t-shirt and commemorative mug. You’ll also achieve the completely arbitrary and illusive Quadruple Diamond ranking to add to perceived importance. We totally trust you to meet the goal though because YOU are special and YOU deserve this! Did we mention how great it feels cramming your body into a couple feet of Vaseline laden saran wrap? Like ground beef into a sausage casing! A positively pleasant wrap experience!
And what about the unlimited amounts of spamming material for any and all social media outlets? We hired acclaimed author Dan Brown, to write only the finest materials to assail loved ones with. Be prepared to drop a nuclear bomb of Caps Lock ridden nonsense that will cause everyone on your feed to question whether or not you’ve been committed to a loony bin.
So sign up with ItWorxxx Bodzzz now and watch your Facebook friends, Instagram followers and bank account all vanish!
A kettlebell that had remained dormant for years has finally been stirred. Having sat stationary for well over a decade, located in a spot that at the time seemed optimal for working out, the dust riddled kettlebell was painstakingly moved to another corner of the house. Its old location now inhabited by a standing lamp. “I think after this move I’ll definitely start working out with it every day.” said Terry Roberts who had solemnly promised the exact same thing 10 years earlier.
Like most people that own kettlebells the purchase was prompted immediately after seeing the movie 300. Momentum was lost almost instantly after a singular misguided, poor formed workout yielded neither a hulking chest nor 8-pack of washboard abs. “I don’t think I’m naïve in thinking that I should have looked like I was carved out of marble after that workout…maybe next time it will.” reminisced Terry, exultantly looking at the new placement of the kettlebell.
Since it’s widely known that moving the kettlebell from place to place every 10 years qualifies as part of the 300 workout, Terry should be completely shredded without any other alterations to his lifestyle in the next 40-50 years.
Hundreds of enthusiastic runners who love to remind you how much they run were greatly disappointed after their quest for the perfect Instagram picture was ruined. The runners expected to be doused in the usual self-congratulatory color wheel but due to a mistake in planning were plastered in varying shades of beige and khaki.
The event coordinator mistakenly ordered only flesh toned chalk. Without the rainbow guise of fun, the runners couldn’t even feign the usual happiness in the post-race Instagram. “The beige seemed to somehow really expose just how miserable these races really are,” said Mike Bradshaw as a single tear washing away the skin colored powder.
“Paying to do something that is otherwise free, waking up and commuting an hour and a half to the race, getting your nipples destroyed by the “free” shirt, having someone blow morning breath in your face for the duration of the race, and running the whole thing butts to nuts is all worth it for the end of race Instagram.” Continued Mike “Without the zany theme and Instagram gratification…the race just wasn’t the same.”
The sadness was palpable as runners desperately tried to figure out a way to convince their social media following they had a great time at the race. Unfortunately the taupe glaze caked on all of the somber faces couldn’t be salvaged by even the most aggressive filter, contrast and lighting.
The signs at the gym that claim to offer memberships as low as $5/month are some of the most mysterious signs in existence. They almost seem ominous, well not really almost, they are extremely ominous and often shrouded in a horrible web of deceit for that matter. Given that cancelling your membership involves several pieces of certified mail, a fight to the death with the gym manager and sacrificing your first-born child, what stipulations could possibly cause membership rates to be that severely discounted?
A former gym employee who has chosen to remain anonymous confirmed that not only is the contract a literal blood oath, but it also requires an elaborate ancient ceremony ripe with chanting, plague doctor masks, candles and pre-workout supplement fueled orgies. No wonder bench felt more slippery than usual yesterday…was that a glory hole crudely carved into a 50lb dumbbell?
If a ceremony that makes the Illuminati look like the Mickey Mouse Club wasn’t enough, some of the more alarming aspects of the fine print within the perverse and bizarre contract are outlined below.
- Must live within the confines of the gym for no less than 10 years, or until 10,000 memberships are sold. Leaving the premises or contacting anyone from the outside world, especially family, is strictly forbidden
- Member is afforded a singular locker that will function as living/sleeping quarters
- Must exist exclusively on Stacker 2 and No-Xplode, veins will become ropes and complexion will become jaundice
- Working out is forbidden until ten years has passed, at which point a 5 year probationary period starts in which you are only allowed to do leg days
- Member will have perpetual athletes foot from 10 years of questionable showering conditions
- Trimming of finger and toenails strictly forbidden
- Must use tanning beds for a minimum of 4 hours a day, and religiously use Britney Spears signature tanning oil
- Must repair all clogged toilets using a 5lb dumbbell
The slightest deviation from any rule is seen as a breach of contract and will require you to live out the remainder of your miserable existence in the gym.
After what was assumed to be a restless night, a Fitbit erased any lingering doubt as it gleefully informed its owner he had slept a mere two hours the night before. “Yeah, I wasn’t sure how much I had slept, but thanks to the Fitbit, I can really quantify how bad my day is going to be.” said the downtrodden man as he hastily prepared for work. “I’m absolutely devastated, I can’t believe it was only two hours.” he continued hollowly.
Before the Fitbit we could really only guess how much we’d slept and then convince ourselves that it had been more than it actually was. Now with an actual hour amount we can officially calculate how intolerable the next day will be. A way to measure the magnitude of the impending doom that we are completely and utterly helpless to. This remains one of the most popular functions of the Fitbit; being made fully aware that you’ll be in PowerPoint heavy meetings all day running on fumes and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
“Days that the Fitbit tells me I got enough sleep but I still feel tired are almost more depressing,” said the man “It’s still a truly innovative device that everyone should own however! Knowing your sleep schedule is both insightful and healthy!”
Reporting on sleep isn’t the only feature that opens up a new and exciting world of obsessive neurosis and hyper monitoring. You’ll constantly be kept in the know about how aggressively stationary you are during the day and you’ll be crucified for not drinking enough water. So instead of actually working out, strap on that Fitbit and nickel and dime your way to an arbitrary step goal!