Top 5 things I saw at Lollapalooza after drinking a 5th of Malibu rum out of a sausage casing

Chance the rapper eating avocado toast-Chance the Rapper proved once again that he can do no wrong as thousands of rabid fans witnessed a 4 hour performance which involved him eating a piece of avocado toast, digesting it, and shitting it out, with impeccable accuracy, into a can of Pamplemousse La Croix. All the while his band ripped through an EDM version of Despacito an unprecedented 150 times. Crowd members who had mistaken urinal cakes for giant Molly pills collapsed and openly wept. Those in attendance called it a modern day miracle and noted that no other performance could so accurately represent an entire generation.

PornHub sponsored Porta Potties-In an effort to increase wait times at porta potties, Lollapalooza and Pornhub partnered to birth the Porna Potty. Every porta potty was crudely retrofitted with a VR headset and a communal ball of Vaseline. Guests could SEAMLESSLY upgrade to a Brazzers premium account by tapping their officially licensed Lollapalooza fidget spinner credit card against one of the sweaty walls of the sickening sex dens. Lollapalooza is considering converting the entirety of the festival to a more porn and toilet forward format next year. A pink eye epidemic has since consumed the city.

Drone petting zoo-Anyone looking to take a quick break from the music could enter a majestic drone habitat in which thousands of drones were available to pet or feed tiny grain pellets to. Guests stared in awe at the blinking red lights of the drones as they suspiciously recorded footage for whatever sick fuck was flying them. The tiny zoo was conveniently located next to the lollapalooza lost and found where guests could root around in a giant box of fingers in an attempt to find one of similar length and girth to the one they just had severed by one of the drone propellers.

Vape charging station-Catering to those in attendance, all cell phone charging stations were replaced with vape charging stations. Because nothing else matters in this world if you can’t blow a huge fucking plume at a festival.

DJ Khalid cover band played the entire Emoji Movie soundtrack-The DJ Khalid cover band took their iPod shuffles on a WALK Sunday at 3:30 a.m. Twelve overweight dudes wearing velour track suits and wielding synched up iPod shuffles…blasted out banger after banger! No one could have anticipated them pressing play at the same time and letting the entirety of the Emoji Movie soundtrack playout. A true treat for any real EDM fans!

Perry’s DJ tent to be held in massive Porta Potty

Chicago, IL-In order to appease the needs of the devolving frenzy of underage, suburban gremlins swarming festival grounds, Lollapalooza has decided that Perry’s DJ tent will be held in a goliath Porta Potty, the largest portable bathroom themed EDM tent of its kind.

“We had to do something big this year and there is nothing bigger or more representative of this festival than a steaming hot, panic-inducing Porta Potty rave, complete with functional toilet on the roof,” said one Lollapalooza representative preparing to butt bong a stale Bud Light Lime.

The rooftop opening is being branded as the “Drop Hole” where attendees are encouraged to scale the flimsy structure and rain beer piss and malnourished bowel movements on the molly fueled crowd below, in unison with the characterless DJ as he drops the beat over and over again. Lollapalooza guarantees over 40 likes on Instagram if you use the hashtag #CloggedTheDropHole.

“This is creating something bigger than just music, something more beautiful, a community of humans so drugged up and aloof that they’re proud of listening to EDM in a toilet,” continued the representative putting the finishing touches on her flower crown.

The christening of the tent will be done by none other than DJ Flabongo, known for wearing a microwave on his head that spins and bakes white dog turds as his sets progress.

This year: Lollapalooza offers to kick you in the nuts

Early Bird Special. Single Day Passes. Three Day Passes. VIP Passes. And now introducing Perry’s Special Load…the newest addition to the lucrative Lollapalooza ticketing repertoire. Perry’s Special Load was developed in an effort to give people a luxury Lollapalooza experience without ever having to leave the comfort of their home. It’s considered to be a revolutionary development in ticketing and could help remedy the horrific overcrowding that has plagued the festival for the last few years.

For a modest $300…have a delirious teenager rolling on molly show up at your house, throw a lukewarm Bud Light in your face and kick you squarely in the nuts. Have I gotten your attention? Well it gets better. As you lay on the ground writhing in pain, they’ll smash your iPhone into a thousand pieces and clog up your toilet with an unworldly dump that will haunt you for weeks to come. Still not sold? What if I told you that with purchase you’ll also be forced to lay in a tanning bed while concurrently butt bonging Parrot Bay out of a binocular flask for five straight hours? The embarrassing sunburn, agonizing hangover and lingering night terrors will have you feeling like you had endured the festival itself. And if you’re worried about not hearing any live music, don’t be, because no one at the festival heard a single band either.

All of this and much, much more included in Perry’s Special Load. So why even bother with the crowds this year? Treat yourself to Perry’s…Special…Load.

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Lollapalooza officially endorses shitting yourself

Have you ever wanted to vacate your insides in unison with several thousand other drunken gremlins while watching a lifeless Sam Smith cry on stage? Well, watch out for falling logs because that dream is now a reality! The bathroom lines have always been bad at Lollapalooza, but this year the festival has an ingenious idea that should immediately remedy the situation. Lollapalooza staffers will be armed with box cutters and will be crudely fashioning “dump holes” in any willing festival goer’s fashionable high waisted jean shorts. “We’re eliminating every Porta Potty in an effort to cut down on bathroom lines,” Said Perry Farrell taking a prolonged, majestic drag from a Virginia Slim. “Since the human filth descending on Grant Park were already pissing and shitting themselves, the only logical solution was to make that easier…thus decreasing lines and increasing happiness.”Continued Farrell.

The crudely fashioned holes will allow your brown eye to have just the same dismal sightlines as your normal eyes, as you stand several miles out with the hopes of hearing a note or chord. Desperately hoping your leg doesn’t get humped by the mollied out tool fresh off the train from Wilmette.  Farrell went on to hail the hole as extremely versatile and utilitarian, noting that you can now get as fucked up as humanely possible and not have to worry about something as trivial as controlling your bowels and bladder.

With the time for waiting in line at bathrooms all but eliminated, now you can focus more of your energy and time trying to find all of the friends that you lost, figuring out a way to recharge the battery to your cell phone, standing in line for overpriced domestic beers, and wind sprinting back and forth between stages that are miles apart…ALL WHILE POOPING AND PEEING YOURSELF! The possibilities are endless. Embrace your inner insect and let your ring piece fly!

If you’re going to Lollapalooza, you’re going to get pooped on…might as well make it your own.

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Lollapalooza website voted best in user interface by scalpers

Sources have confirmed, the Lollapalooza website has been voted best in user interface by the Bureau of Scalpers. The site enjoyed a narrow victory over PornHub, where scalpers spend the rest of their free time. The unrelenting consistency of the site year after year of catering tickets only to scalpers is what did it. “It’s truly incredible logic they’ve implemented.” Said Paul Serone, proud member of the Bureau since 1994. “I was scared at first, technology is a scary thing, this site taught me not to be scared. It gave me the confidence I needed to buy 200 tickets at a time, knowing that the website will crash when it suspects the user isn’t a scalper.” Continued Serone with quivering lips and watery.

No one knows who designed the website but every facet is a scalper’s playground. Some speculate there is a hidden button to successfully purchase tickets that only appears are scalper’s browsers.

It’s certainly a risk, as scalpers worldwide wonder how long it will be until the people paying the 200% markup realize the festival is a virtual hell on earth. Some say it could be in the next 5 years given the mediocre bands, overpriced beers, miserable crowds and sheer volume of vomit covering the festival grounds.
“Don’t be mad at us.” Said Serone addressing the people who were upset they didn’t get a ticket. “We should be looked at as saviors! No sunburn, no hangover, no fight with your girlfriend and most importantly saved you the disappointment of seeing your favorite band from three football fields away!” Screamed Serone now visibly upset. “All the tickets are sold to rich teens from the suburbs that in turn buy fake drugs from all of the drug dealers inside! We are the last true stimulators of this economy!” Cried Serone now crumpled on the floor.

In a crazy world, one thing you can always count on is not getting tickets to Lollapalooza.

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