One Tie All Tie

Lollapalooza officially endorses shitting yourself

Have you ever wanted to vacate your insides in unison with several thousand other drunken gremlins while watching a lifeless Sam Smith cry on stage? Well, watch out for falling logs because that dream is now a reality! The bathroom lines have always been bad at Lollapalooza, but this year the festival has an ingenious idea that should immediately remedy the situation. Lollapalooza staffers will be armed with box cutters and will be crudely fashioning “dump holes” in any willing festival goer’s fashionable high waisted jean shorts. “We’re eliminating every Porta Potty in an effort to cut down on bathroom lines,” Said Perry Farrell taking a prolonged, majestic drag from a Virginia Slim. “Since the human filth descending on Grant Park were already pissing and shitting themselves, the only logical solution was to make that easier…thus decreasing lines and increasing happiness.”Continued Farrell.

The crudely fashioned holes will allow your brown eye to have just the same dismal sightlines as your normal eyes, as you stand several miles out with the hopes of hearing a note or chord. Desperately hoping your leg doesn’t get humped by the mollied out tool fresh off the train from Wilmette.  Farrell went on to hail the hole as extremely versatile and utilitarian, noting that you can now get as fucked up as humanely possible and not have to worry about something as trivial as controlling your bowels and bladder.

With the time for waiting in line at bathrooms all but eliminated, now you can focus more of your energy and time trying to find all of the friends that you lost, figuring out a way to recharge the battery to your cell phone, standing in line for overpriced domestic beers, and wind sprinting back and forth between stages that are miles apart…ALL WHILE POOPING AND PEEING YOURSELF! The possibilities are endless. Embrace your inner insect and let your ring piece fly!

If you’re going to Lollapalooza, you’re going to get pooped on…might as well make it your own.