One Tie All Tie

This year: Lollapalooza offers to kick you in the nuts

Early Bird Special. Single Day Passes. Three Day Passes. VIP Passes. And now introducing Perry’s Special Load…the newest addition to the lucrative Lollapalooza ticketing repertoire. Perry’s Special Load was developed in an effort to give people a luxury Lollapalooza experience without ever having to leave the comfort of their home. It’s considered to be a revolutionary development in ticketing and could help remedy the horrific overcrowding that has plagued the festival for the last few years.

For a modest $300…have a delirious teenager rolling on molly show up at your house, throw a lukewarm Bud Light in your face and kick you squarely in the nuts. Have I gotten your attention? Well it gets better. As you lay on the ground writhing in pain, they’ll smash your iPhone into a thousand pieces and clog up your toilet with an unworldly dump that will haunt you for weeks to come. Still not sold? What if I told you that with purchase you’ll also be forced to lay in a tanning bed while concurrently butt bonging Parrot Bay out of a binocular flask for five straight hours? The embarrassing sunburn, agonizing hangover and lingering night terrors will have you feeling like you had endured the festival itself. And if you’re worried about not hearing any live music, don’t be, because no one at the festival heard a single band either.

All of this and much, much more included in Perry’s Special Load. So why even bother with the crowds this year? Treat yourself to Perry’s…Special…Load.