Top 5 things I saw at Lollapalooza after drinking a 5th of Malibu rum out of a sausage casing

Chance the rapper eating avocado toast-Chance the Rapper proved once again that he can do no wrong as thousands of rabid fans witnessed a 4 hour performance which involved him eating a piece of avocado toast, digesting it, and shitting it out, with impeccable accuracy, into a can of Pamplemousse La Croix. All the while his band ripped through an EDM version of Despacito an unprecedented 150 times. Crowd members who had mistaken urinal cakes for giant Molly pills collapsed and openly wept. Those in attendance called it a modern day miracle and noted that no other performance could so accurately represent an entire generation.

PornHub sponsored Porta Potties-In an effort to increase wait times at porta potties, Lollapalooza and Pornhub partnered to birth the Porna Potty. Every porta potty was crudely retrofitted with a VR headset and a communal ball of Vaseline. Guests could SEAMLESSLY upgrade to a Brazzers premium account by tapping their officially licensed Lollapalooza fidget spinner credit card against one of the sweaty walls of the sickening sex dens. Lollapalooza is considering converting the entirety of the festival to a more porn and toilet forward format next year. A pink eye epidemic has since consumed the city.

Drone petting zoo-Anyone looking to take a quick break from the music could enter a majestic drone habitat in which thousands of drones were available to pet or feed tiny grain pellets to. Guests stared in awe at the blinking red lights of the drones as they suspiciously recorded footage for whatever sick fuck was flying them. The tiny zoo was conveniently located next to the lollapalooza lost and found where guests could root around in a giant box of fingers in an attempt to find one of similar length and girth to the one they just had severed by one of the drone propellers.

Vape charging station-Catering to those in attendance, all cell phone charging stations were replaced with vape charging stations. Because nothing else matters in this world if you can’t blow a huge fucking plume at a festival.

DJ Khalid cover band played the entire Emoji Movie soundtrack-The DJ Khalid cover band took their iPod shuffles on a WALK Sunday at 3:30 a.m. Twelve overweight dudes wearing velour track suits and wielding synched up iPod shuffles…blasted out banger after banger! No one could have anticipated them pressing play at the same time and letting the entirety of the Emoji Movie soundtrack playout. A true treat for any real EDM fans!

Perry’s DJ tent to be held in massive Porta Potty

Chicago, IL-In order to appease the needs of the devolving frenzy of underage, suburban gremlins swarming festival grounds, Lollapalooza has decided that Perry’s DJ tent will be held in a goliath Porta Potty, the largest portable bathroom themed EDM tent of its kind.

“We had to do something big this year and there is nothing bigger or more representative of this festival than a steaming hot, panic-inducing Porta Potty rave, complete with functional toilet on the roof,” said one Lollapalooza representative preparing to butt bong a stale Bud Light Lime.

The rooftop opening is being branded as the “Drop Hole” where attendees are encouraged to scale the flimsy structure and rain beer piss and malnourished bowel movements on the molly fueled crowd below, in unison with the characterless DJ as he drops the beat over and over again. Lollapalooza guarantees over 40 likes on Instagram if you use the hashtag #CloggedTheDropHole.

“This is creating something bigger than just music, something more beautiful, a community of humans so drugged up and aloof that they’re proud of listening to EDM in a toilet,” continued the representative putting the finishing touches on her flower crown.

The christening of the tent will be done by none other than DJ Flabongo, known for wearing a microwave on his head that spins and bakes white dog turds as his sets progress.

This year: Lollapalooza offers to kick you in the nuts

Early Bird Special. Single Day Passes. Three Day Passes. VIP Passes. And now introducing Perry’s Special Load…the newest addition to the lucrative Lollapalooza ticketing repertoire. Perry’s Special Load was developed in an effort to give people a luxury Lollapalooza experience without ever having to leave the comfort of their home. It’s considered to be a revolutionary development in ticketing and could help remedy the horrific overcrowding that has plagued the festival for the last few years.

For a modest $300…have a delirious teenager rolling on molly show up at your house, throw a lukewarm Bud Light in your face and kick you squarely in the nuts. Have I gotten your attention? Well it gets better. As you lay on the ground writhing in pain, they’ll smash your iPhone into a thousand pieces and clog up your toilet with an unworldly dump that will haunt you for weeks to come. Still not sold? What if I told you that with purchase you’ll also be forced to lay in a tanning bed while concurrently butt bonging Parrot Bay out of a binocular flask for five straight hours? The embarrassing sunburn, agonizing hangover and lingering night terrors will have you feeling like you had endured the festival itself. And if you’re worried about not hearing any live music, don’t be, because no one at the festival heard a single band either.

All of this and much, much more included in Perry’s Special Load. So why even bother with the crowds this year? Treat yourself to Perry’s…Special…Load.

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Lollapalooza officially endorses shitting yourself

Have you ever wanted to vacate your insides in unison with several thousand other drunken gremlins while watching a lifeless Sam Smith cry on stage? Well, watch out for falling logs because that dream is now a reality! The bathroom lines have always been bad at Lollapalooza, but this year the festival has an ingenious idea that should immediately remedy the situation. Lollapalooza staffers will be armed with box cutters and will be crudely fashioning “dump holes” in any willing festival goer’s fashionable high waisted jean shorts. “We’re eliminating every Porta Potty in an effort to cut down on bathroom lines,” Said Perry Farrell taking a prolonged, majestic drag from a Virginia Slim. “Since the human filth descending on Grant Park were already pissing and shitting themselves, the only logical solution was to make that easier…thus decreasing lines and increasing happiness.”Continued Farrell.

The crudely fashioned holes will allow your brown eye to have just the same dismal sightlines as your normal eyes, as you stand several miles out with the hopes of hearing a note or chord. Desperately hoping your leg doesn’t get humped by the mollied out tool fresh off the train from Wilmette.  Farrell went on to hail the hole as extremely versatile and utilitarian, noting that you can now get as fucked up as humanely possible and not have to worry about something as trivial as controlling your bowels and bladder.

With the time for waiting in line at bathrooms all but eliminated, now you can focus more of your energy and time trying to find all of the friends that you lost, figuring out a way to recharge the battery to your cell phone, standing in line for overpriced domestic beers, and wind sprinting back and forth between stages that are miles apart…ALL WHILE POOPING AND PEEING YOURSELF! The possibilities are endless. Embrace your inner insect and let your ring piece fly!

If you’re going to Lollapalooza, you’re going to get pooped on…might as well make it your own.

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Lollapalooza website voted best in user interface by scalpers

Sources have confirmed, the Lollapalooza website has been voted best in user interface by the Bureau of Scalpers. The site enjoyed a narrow victory over PornHub, where scalpers spend the rest of their free time. The unrelenting consistency of the site year after year of catering tickets only to scalpers is what did it. “It’s truly incredible logic they’ve implemented.” Said Paul Serone, proud member of the Bureau since 1994. “I was scared at first, technology is a scary thing, this site taught me not to be scared. It gave me the confidence I needed to buy 200 tickets at a time, knowing that the website will crash when it suspects the user isn’t a scalper.” Continued Serone with quivering lips and watery.

No one knows who designed the website but every facet is a scalper’s playground. Some speculate there is a hidden button to successfully purchase tickets that only appears are scalper’s browsers.

It’s certainly a risk, as scalpers worldwide wonder how long it will be until the people paying the 200% markup realize the festival is a virtual hell on earth. Some say it could be in the next 5 years given the mediocre bands, overpriced beers, miserable crowds and sheer volume of vomit covering the festival grounds.
“Don’t be mad at us.” Said Serone addressing the people who were upset they didn’t get a ticket. “We should be looked at as saviors! No sunburn, no hangover, no fight with your girlfriend and most importantly saved you the disappointment of seeing your favorite band from three football fields away!” Screamed Serone now visibly upset. “All the tickets are sold to rich teens from the suburbs that in turn buy fake drugs from all of the drug dealers inside! We are the last true stimulators of this economy!” Cried Serone now crumpled on the floor.

In a crazy world, one thing you can always count on is not getting tickets to Lollapalooza.

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Man claims to have seen actual live music at Lollapalooza

On Saturday, August 2, at or around 6:15 p.m. CT, a Chicago man is claiming that he actually witnessed an actual band playing something that sounded like music at Lollapalooza. There had been speculation throughout the day that there were actual bands playing live music at the perennial douche convention, but it was ultimately impossible to confirm. The stages had apparently been obscured by thousands of neon clad, flower crowned, drugged-out teens, and any music had been drowned out by the sounds of  violent heaving and screaming “bros”. The combination left the entire experience completely indecipherable. Bringing into question what anyone was actually doing in the park in the first place.

The only evidence we have that any band actually performed over the weekend comes from a brave Chicagoan, who has chosen to remain anonymous. “It was really tough to tell but I’m pretty sure that through my binoculars from about a quarter mile out, I witnessed an iPad, recording another iPad, recording someone instagramming the right shoe of someone playing drums in a popular band”, claimed the man. “It was brief, really brief, and I could only see it when I tilted my head at a 75 degree angle, but it definitely seemed like something. This is something you see once, maybe twice, in an entire lifetime of attending Lollapaloozas”, he furthered. He maintained that seeing that foot made it all worth it. Getting trampled, almost pissing himself because of bathroom lines, getting heckled for not looking like Selena Gomez at Coachella was all forgotten when he saw that foot.

Lollapalooza officials were unable to confirm or deny these reports, apparently unaware as to if there were any bands booked this year or not. No one really seemed to care, maintaining that the music, or even having a good time is an irrelevant component to a successful festival. Officials confirmed that the metrics used to determine the success of a festival were instances of: people blacked out, vintage NBA jerseys, and selfies taken.

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Lollapalooza 2014 Lineup Review

Rating: 2.0/10.0

What a relief. Enormous exhale. Sigh. Over exaggerated brow wipe. I thought for a minute there Lollapalooza was actually going to have a band I wanted to see, but hadn’t yet. I can officially put any and all concern to bed. Tuck it in nicely, kiss it on the forehead. Be relieved of the burden that had been attending the last several years. The cross has been lifted.

Looking at the lineup I couldn’t help to think, I’ve seen this all before. Probably because I have. Orangizer Perry Farrell must have been dumpster diving in the shredded lineups of years past, then constructed this uninspired turd. Bound together by vomit scraped from the mud at Perry’s DJ tent and greed. Oh yeah, and garnished with the tears of everyone who got ripped by scalpers, lost their friends at the mile long bathroom lines, didn’t see a single band, and got swallowed by overwhelming swells of humanity at last year’s blunderous outing. There are some great bands on the bill don’t get be wrong, but it all seems like a bizarre rerun. An indistinguishable episode of Bar Rescue that you’re not sure if you’ve seen or not, but pretty sure you have. How many bars could have roaches in the deep fryer? I mean really. Running through the lineup I actually dozed off midway through. Upon awakening I could have swore the year was 2010.

NickelbackCreed, and O-Town could all be headlining and 10 million people would still show. Perry knows this, so what does he care who plays? Might as well make the festival with all of the quality of a straight to DVD release. This thing has Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj written all over it. It’s become a safe-haven for the jobbers of the city. Where else would the bros go to show off how swoll they got over the winter in a vintage NBA jersey? Where else would the teens go to eat copious amounts of molly and drink enough Shock Tops to be puking on a stranger’s shoe by 11:00 a.m.? Most importantly, if not for Lollapalooza, where would all of those testy middle-aged wonders place their massive picnic blanket and not budge an inch the entire festival, then scoff at people for trying to maneuver around it? I can’t imagine a world without that.

Top Three Painful Gulps of Balmy Swill at the End of a King Cobra 40 oz aka The Headliners:

1.) Lorde has to be the least exciting headliner in history. I have no interest in paying a couple hundred bucks to watch one of the witches from Hocus Pocus lurch around on stage, while the same crowd at Nickelodeon’s Teen Choice Awards waits anxiously to hear Royals.

2.) I thought Kings of Leon went the way of the dodo…’nuff said.

3.) Eminem is a complete and utter has been, also nothing better than getting into a screaming match with a dude wearing a mesh Korn shirt.

This year I’ll be laid up drinking craft brews and grilling watching the mayhem “The Purge” style. Enjoy the relentless finger-blasting (Yes this happened last year, I suggest you don’t Google it) and face eating that will undoubtedly take place at Skrillex. My decision to never attend Lollapalooza again has never seemed so sweet.

Full Lineup

Lollapalooza 2013

Only three words can describe Lollapalooza, coincidentally they also accurately describe known nefarious Christmas thief/pervert the Grinch…Stink…Stank…Stunk. From the initial scalper scandal that wreaked conspiracy all the way to selling an event that was essentially standing room only throughout the entire park (ratio: 80% twelve year olds buying Molly, 19% bros, .5% sniveling Mumford fans .5% normal people) Who wouldn’t want to go with that split! Similar to the zombie apocalypse, but with worse company.

As of 8/3/2013 at 10:44 P.M. Lollapalooza was declared dead to me.

Closed casket given the brutality of its death.

As the day progressed and it was realized no stage could actually be seen through all of the hideous mounds of stale flesh, frustration and corresponding extreme intoxication settled in. I sat and wondered whether any bands were actually playing. There was no way to really tell.  Mile after mile of the most insufferable dregs of society, Lollapalooza was the chum that aroused the blowhards of Chicago and sent them into a complete feeding frenzy, on overpriced Bud Lights and Churros and Mumford. Perry had also deployed a new technology that zapped everyone’s phone batteries in an instant, depriving everyone of even the simple enjoyment of finding or seeing friends.  You got me Perry, but never again.

Oh you have a broken foot? Don’t care. You want to actually walk past me? Fuck no. You’re looking for your friends? Sit on it. Here’s a cigarette burn on your arm. Here’s some sour wind from my ring piece in your face. Oh you actually have to pee? 25 minutes.

Wallet plenty lighter and ears dripping with mud, both physical and metaphorical the remorse of a day not well spent sits in. The regret is immense mainly knowing that someone made money by taking a giant dump on Grant Park and we the foolish flies swarmed on command, paying hard earned money to ,if only for a moment, sit on a steaming pile. Too crowded and too young. Lollapalooza you need help.

Photo by Clayton Hauck for HOY

Photo by Clayton Hauck for HOY

Yeezus will not rise again

Artist: Kanye
Album: Yeezus
Rating: 1.5/5.0
Download: iTunes

GIVE ME BARABBAS over Yeezus.

Clumsy, disorienting, lumbering. Yeezus isn’t a trail of palm leafs announcing a triumphant return, but rather the path to Kanye’s complete and utter spiral into triviality. Some of the production on the album is tolerable and redeemable, the rapping on the other hand is an eruption of tediousness.

I just talked to Jesus, he said whaddup Yeezus” is an actual verse on the album…nuff said. In I Am God Kanye asserts “I am a god, hurry up with my damn massage” if this is the case he’s clearly a god that’s both deaf and judging by the banal rhyming  just proudly graduated from the 2nd grade. He cleverly rhymes God with God.

Kanye doesn’t really qualify as a human anymore. He’s morphed into something far more annoying. He’s that cloud of sulfur gas that someone crop dusts a train car with before leaving. That Trojan Virus you got while trying to leach the Teen Mom 2 porn. A Bar Louie. A pair of fivefinger vibrams. That piss soaked toilet paper that your forced to wipe with in the port-a-potty after a regrettable but unavoidable Lollapalooza dump.

I’m officially starting the rumor that Rob Kardashian ghost wrote this entire album. I’d like to thank Kanye for hissing a bunch of steaming hot zoo breath into my ear for the past 50 minutes. I would imagine I Am God is what Nick Cage was listening to during the bee scene of Wicker Man to achieve the below facial contortion and display of annoyance.

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