Roseanne returns, starring Steve Harvey as Roseanne

Hollywood, CA-After a disgraceful exit from network television, ABC executives met last week to discuss the future of Roseanne. In the meeting it was determined that the cardboard palettes of American’s dumb enough to watch network television needed to be cleansed. Washed over with another reheated, cereal bowl of skim milk and chased with a fistful equally hot cantaloupe innards.

It was time to truly show the country what the network stood for and create something that the country as a whole could cherish and call their own.

Enter Roseanne 2, ABC’s newest and most ambitious endeavor yet.

Roseanne 2 is set to launch next week and will star the only man 100% of American’s trust, Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey will star as Roseanne and, as such, has agreed to undergo a scalp replacement surgery with the real Roseanne Barr in an effort to capture the true essence of the character. Similar to the surgery seen in the movie Face Off, but fortunately limited to scalps only.

The horrifying monstrosity that is born will undoubtedly unite the nation with zany hijinks. Watch at Steve Harvey wheels around New York City on a Segway made out of deli meat pegging people in the face with full cans of Mountain Dew Code Red and drawing caricatures of rat families by the peer. And once a week, he’ll play a solo game of Russian roulette with a t-shirt cannon full of garlic knots from Sbarro.

So tune in now, because you can’t even wipe your own ass!

CBS launches Younger Sheldon starring Ryan Seacrest

Hollywood, CA-CBS has noticed the collective swollen jaw of content consumers hanging slack and dribbling the lukewarm tapioca they’ve been fattened with their entire lives. In an effort to scoop up the half chewed pudding and shove it back into their lifeless cram hole, CBS has created a series of inception spin offs, the most recent offering is called Younger Sheldon.

Younger Sheldon documents the life of Sheldon Cooper when he was even younger than Young Sheldon, because there is nothing more hilarious than a show completely reliant on the age of its characters.

Younger Sheldon, played by Chicago Kardashian-West and voiced by Ryan Seacrest, documents the trials and tribulations of being an insufferable jerk at only several weeks old as two grown adults document every single dump you’ve ever taken on all social media outlets.

Watch as Ryan Seacrest huffs nitrous balloons and makes baby noises that are poorly dubbed over the completely motionless mouth of Kardashian-West!

Hearts will be warmed when a homeless man sacrifices his life to save Sheldon after his parents accidentally left him in the gorilla pen at the zoo! And laughs will be had after Sheldon’s dad takes a massive shit on the living room floor after drinking an entire 5th of Jim Beam and blames it on baby Sheldon!

Tune in Wednesday’s at 4:30 a.m. after reruns of Will My Junk Fit? One man’s journey across the world to see where and what he can cram his junk into.

Lifetime channel presents: Married at First Glory Hole

Hobart, Indiana-Lifetime channel has been answering the questions that absolutely no one is asking about for the last decade. Questions like: Will someone desperate enough for marginal reality television fame go through with an inconsequential wedding with someone they’ve never seen before? and Where is the brink of human loneliness? Everyone assumed that Married at First Sight answered these, but apparently the human condition is far more depraved than originally anticipated.

Married at First Glory Hole is a new Lifetime original series which documents two complete strangers whose only interactions occur through a glory hole carved into a bathroom at a Long John Silvers in Northern Indiana. Over 14 weeks the two will navigate the complicated and death defying dance that people experience when flirting with the idea of putting their junk through a crudely fashioned glory hole.

Lifetime will provide glory hole experts to help the perspective couple along the way, with counseling sessions and advice to boot. In the final episode, if true love exists, there is the option to stick your finger through the hole and receive an engagement ring from the other party and a bathroom attendant will marry them on the spot.

Will it be a finger through the hole in the end or something else? Could a bathroom in Northern Indiana be the perfect place to meet and date someone? Find out on Married at First Glory Hole, premiering next week after reruns of Did I Shard Myself?

NBC launches This Is Us spinoff, This Is Us Too

No one could have anticipated humans feeling even a morsel of emotion derived from an NBC drama. But This Is Us has proved to everyone that it’s ok to cry at network television shows that aren’t an American occult detective police procedural drama like Grimm. Because of the success, NBC has decided to launch This Is Us too, to give another poignant look at the human condition.

This Is Us Too, examines two obese, inbred and racist ostrich farmers who have set up a breeding pit next to a retention pond, outside of a strip mall in Elkhart Indiana. To supplement their income, they film unsanctioned Avatar prequels and install glory holes in varying casual dining chains. Their lives have been joyful up to this point as most nights conclude with doing biker speed until their hearts give and they fall into a peaceful slumber.

But that all changes when, due to the unspeakable pollution, one ostrich becomes self-aware and is mandated by the Indiana state government to attend school. Be overcome with sadness as Jessica Simpson starring as Gladys Lapadat and Spencer Pratt starring as Boyd Lapadat struggle with the complex emotional baggage that accompanies raising an ostrich with human intelligence.

And…be filled with hope…In the role of a lifetime…Daniel Day Lewis starring as Henry Lapadat, the ostrich with a heart of gold. Watch as Henry learns tolerance and acceptance from the people his parents taught him to hate, all while never speaking a word. Will an ostrich functioning as a human inspire his parents to change? Or will the hate that has consumed them draw them further apart? Does the ostrich crapping on kids desks and biting teachers actually have elevated intelligence? Find out on Sundays at 4:00 a.m. after reruns of Jerhico.


Anyone else decently disturbed by the Fiat boner commercial?

This Fiat boner commercial has been causing a pretty good stir in my head lately. As I mull what a car boner consists of and the depth of perversion involved in such a consideration, I keep wondering who the hell thought putting a bulging, pulsating red car in the commercial was a good idea. The commercial seemed relatively straightforward and innocent at first, and frankly I observed it as such, another zany car commercial that would never actually convince anyone to buy a car.

This thing has been played relentlessly though, enough so to make me consider some of the more subtle, deviant details of the commercial. The color of the car being red, the erect plastic paneling and the women in the town oddly gushing over the swollen, streaking red rocket, are all things that have caused me considerable mental anguish over the last several weeks.

That’s not to mention the inherent sadness of the deteriorating human body. Examining the human reliance on medicine to function properly as your mind and body decline is marketing 101. What is this frisky old timer’s plan once he catches the engorged red car that’s swallowed his Viagra? Slam a straw in that tank and start sucking a gas soaked Viagra out? If he doesn’t pass out from the fumes or gas consumption first, the remains of the pill will likely be diluted at best, so have fun working with that. Have fun convincing your wife to have sex with you after inhaling a gasoline and Viagra cocktail. If you’re successful in convincing her, good luck performing with a belly full of unleaded.

Fiat, the boner car.

The best way to 100% not get laid

You’re playing the lucrative 6 p.m. set at the local strip mall, at a used CD store called Orbit Music. Nickelback is releasing an album the same day, so the store expects heavy traffic. Its right next to Plato’s Closet so you know damn well the place is going to be crawling with some middling to fair honeys.  The band you’re in happens to be an Alien Ant Farm cover band that plays exclusively B-sides, which combined with the Affliction slouch fit beanie, almost guarantees you’re landing a bumper crop of semi-decent strange. The only other dude at the show is the pear shaped, balding 40 year old man who franchised a Chuck E. Cheese next door.

Everything is going according to plan; there are about 12 people who attend the show, which is four more than you’re last show. Yep…smooth sailing, until all of the sudden a really sophisticated looking girl in Ed Hardy asks you what you’re drinking. What.the.fuck? How are you supposed to answer a question like that when you’re in a goddamn Alien Ant Farm cover band?! Panic ensues; you’re frozen at the plate, racking your brain for an acceptable alcohol to blurt out…

“Redd’s…Strawberry…Ale” comes pouring out of your mouth like one prolonged, painful and completely solid bowel movement. You instantly soil yourself. You try and grab the words as they come out and shove them furiously back down your throat, into the twisted depths where they belong…but the damage has been done. Why the hell couldn’t you even spit out Michelob Ultra?! Even a fucking Michelob Ultra wouldn’t have been as suspicious as a Redd’s Strawberry Ale order.  As the band sets up to tease Smooth Criminal for the thirteenth time, you sit dejected in your own urine. You see the girl buying the Chuck E. Cheese owner a glass of earthy red…

Reds Strawberry Ale: To abstinence